It is empowering to feel good. I was feeling low after work today...it's weird - it's as if everyone else that works there is part of a club, and I am excluded. I struggle to act with dignity every day I work there, because I am treated as though I have no intelligence. ...They are not my tribe. My tribe would recognize my gifts...and especially would never fail to see my intelligence. I know that I have attracted these types of people into my experience, by acknowledging and expecting them more and more. Now, I always make an effort at work- because when not at work I don't think about it as much as possible- to think about what I like about each person, what I appreciate about this job, and about the current moment I'm in. And then I think about past happy times. But by the end of the day I've usually been overwhelmed. Should I just leave this job, or what? I have learned much from it - from the fashion aspect, to just simply learning from every person I've met while working there. Each person I've met has indeed shared and taught me something good - has shown me aspects I want to find in myself and in the people around me. I really do appreciate that. It is my own deep-seated beliefs about myself that have their attitudes manifesting towards me in such a way. So, maybe now it is doing more harm than good, what with how much I seem to struggle every time I go to work with staying positive.
Or perhaps it's the struggling aspect itself that is blocking the goodness from coming out of this situation. If I could only stop 'struggling' to get people to like and respect me at work. It's that struggling that is killing me, I know it! I would like to let go. It seems to be a process. I wish I could magically just let go all at once and just be magically 100% at peace, in every situation. Maybe I can!
Anyways. I didn't mean to write all of that when I started, I was only going to say that after work I was feeling low, and that I was yet able to stand outside on my tiny cement patio, look at the rain and the waving cedar and hemlock branches, and let some well-being in. I thought to myself that I felt good, and that made me feel even better. And now I've vented on the 'net and I feel like I have even better perspective.
Now about fluffy bun.
A striped button of fur
an orange peppermint, but
round in all dimensions.
she is buttoning right now.
right now
atop her scratching post.
i've felt that way before and i've felt like people would never see the good in me at work but i decided to just forget about it and do my best and have faith that i will be seen for what i am. and it usually happens that way in the end. hang in there. i think you are doing good things by being positive about the people you work with and thinking about what you have learned from them. maybe you should tell yourself that you are appreciated at work.
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura, you always say the best things
ReplyDeletei LOVE your poem about fluffy bun. SO cute.
ReplyDeleteI think Laura is right--the day will come when you suddenly realize you are a part of that 'club' at work. I agree with you that to stop struggling is the key. It sounds so easy in theory and yet in practice it can be so tough! I think it's inevitable that everyone will like you. Mebbe you should tell yourself that it's inevitable.