A Shift

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss, where she informed me that she'd found someone to manage Covet full time. Meaning, no more work for me. It didn't come as a surprise. I'd seen the signs. For example, I'm only on the schedule for the first half of the month - also, I saw an add on the covet Facebook page for someone full-time with management experience. On TOP of that, I have intuited long ago that I did not fit in where I was, and I could feel the way that people felt about me. When my boss asked to have a meeting with me, I knew. I've been putting a lot more confidence in my 'gut' feelings, and trusting the sudden flashes of thought that come into my consciousness when I'm focussing on something.   So, there was no surprise. I think that the way I took it took my BOSS by surprise, however. I could see palpable waves of tension coming off of her. You know, this has never happened to me before, and I'm pretty proud of how I acted. I thanked her for giving me the job in the first place, said I'd enjoyed working there, and that I understood why she'd want someone full time with management experience, and that I was glad that she found someone that worked for her. Then I asked if I could use her as a reference. Which she assured me she'd be happy to do for me - she even said she'd write me a letter of reference. And then we got up and I shook hands with her, which made her laugh...it was strangely positive. Then there's the fact that I was relieved, because I HAVE keenly felt how out-of-place I am there. They weren't on the same wavelength as me. And with that point of view, it makes total sense that I am separating from it. It's only natural. I suppose I've learned what I needed to learn too! Because I've learned SUCH GOOD THINGS from this job. That's why I thanked my boss. I've been talking about this a lot with Shawn recently - lovely Shawn who is always into me when I go off on philosophizing rants, and listens patiently! haha. I won't go off on that here. Just trust me. I've learned self-respect here. I've learned self-reliance. I've learned how to find worth inside of me, because I was unable to find it outside. Is that not a worthwhile lesson if you've ever heard one?? I'm VERY empowered and happy about it.

So what did I do when I got home from that meeting? I picked some borage leaves from the lush and healthy plant growing in our backyard (the person who lived here before was, awesomely, a grower of herbs and so we have, without even trying, borage, lovage, and another one I forget the name of! Borage I've learned, drunk as a tea, "gladdens the heart", is cheering and revitalizing,  not to mention it's therapeutic to your mucous membranes and nourishes other things as well. I'm not a borage dictionary yet, but I am enjoying getting to know it better.) - and I made a tea with the leaves. And then I was suddenly inspired to go online to the abraham-hicks website, where you can buy (among other things) a digital download of 5 guided meditations + a little book - they call it the user guide, but it's an expansion of the meditations and it's really inspiring. I'd been meaning to buy it for weeks. It's only $15. So now I thought...isn't this the perfect time to be using that sort of influence?? And I bought it!! Here's a link to a sort of explanation of what it is. Like I said, there's 5 meditations - one on general well-being, one on financial abundance, one on physical well-being, and one on relationships. Last night I did the one on general well-being and it made me feel SO GOOD. Seriously. I was all tingly and energetic and inspired, and the remembrance of being fired didn't bother me in the least - I was more curious to know what new thing would come out of this. So. This morning me and Shawn listened to the general well-being one together, and the second time around the impact felt considerably more intense. So I'm very excited about this. And I'm happy that losing my job gave me the push I needed to download it.

That is what is going on with me lately. On a completely different note, Shawn is trying to buy a surfboard which he intends to be my beginner board. I'm excited about it. I've been longing to be able to go out and play in the sparkly blue...and ever since I realized that a large part of my fear of surfing was stemming from being told, long ago, that there was a rip tide at the beaches in Tofino and that rip tides pulled you under water (which they DON'T) and out to sea...it's diminished my fear. Because THAT'S why I've always been afraid to be in surf over my head. I didn't realize this when I first tried to surf, it was pretty much an unconscious influence, and all I knew was that as soon as I was chest deep in the surf and waves were coming in which would put me over my head in water, I would all of a sudden be paralyzed almost with fear. I could NOT make myself move. But I didn't know where it was coming from, so I just tried to push against the fear, and...needless to say that didn't work out for me. Anyways, the point of all of that, is that I'm excited to try surfing again!! Now that I consciously know that I'm not going to be pulled under, playing in waves and going under water seems appealing and fun! How silly, that un-true thing that was holding me back for so long.

One more thing. I had a dream last night that corresponded to me losing my job. In it I was at a staff dinner party (Bethany was there with me). As we sat around the table, everyone was given some lovely piece of jewellery from Covet. Except me. And Bethany - she was given some lipstick, which she wasn't thrilled about. I wasn't given anything, and I was trying to figure this out by talking to people, and a rumour was going around that I didn't GET anything. So I asked O., a manager, and she (with an annoyed tone) said that I could have some lipstick. Me and Bethany were aware that the lipstick was less valuable as a gift, and that we were being marked. We weren't stoked about it. Then, O. was going to perform a song. One of my co-workers sat down at the piano to accompany. Now, you all probably know that playing the piano is a talent I have been blessed with, one that I am absolutely confident about. In the dream, the co-worker accompanying O. was not as skilled as me, and the feeling was that of just not being recognized for what I could do. Not being 'seen' as it were. So. That's that. I think that sums up a lot of what my job was. I also think that both me and Bethany agreed to be born and explore these types of issues...people's potential not being recognized, passed over, etc - I have a feeling that we purposely chose to have those kinds of experiences. For one thing, so that we'd learn empowerment within ourselves, which is extremely fulfilling to learn (I am learning), and also so that our sensitivity can be put to use in seeking out and noticing those whose potential is mostly passed over by others!

Anyways, this post has gone on long enough...Perhaps I should just start a spiritual blog so that I'll have every excuse to go on about things like this. Cause I LIKE it. :)