that poem of Rumi's seems to be the mantra...or...that's not quite the right word...goal? may be closer...of the past few years. You know - "make me sweet again..." etc. Poetry is something I don't understand - (as an aside). How it can communicate more than the words alone impart. I feel it is those that are of the ancient and holy order of the Bards that come into this life with that innate talent of shining truth and light in the way of poems and songs. It's their gift they bring to the world.
Oh, if only I had more penetration - more perception - to allow me to blunder less and be always kind. So caught up in my own self and my own personal concerns, I miss many an opportunity and am hurtful without knowledge until after the fact. My own awkwardness is a set-back. If I weren't so caught up in that...in my concern for always appearing to others un-awkward...my own self-image...(many, many sighs). and THEN there's my abominable pride! - the damage THAT has done alone...Anyway - consciousness of a thing is always a good start, am I right?? Let's move on from my penance, which I am sure those who love me will be characteristically soft on me for...I give you all credit for loving me beyond my faults. I hope you all know how much the love is returned.
So, now in the last year of my 20's. At first I insisted on going to Victoria for a night and a day to celebrate, but right before the actual event changed my mind. Suddenly, I didn't want a lot of bustle and hassle - eating out at different places, room service, dancing at a club. I wanted peace and relaxation and natural enjoyments. I decided on Ukee. Shawn and I found a cabin across the street from "little beach" - a beautiful rocky bay on the outskirts of Ukee town centre. We paid $10 extra for a king sized bed and jacuzzi tub. I'd never been in a jacuzzi tub before!! I must say: better than a hot tub. We even bought bubbles for the occasion. "Frozen" bubbles (you know, the movie...). There was only one other available option for bubbles at the Ucluelet co-op grocery, for double the price. The joys of a small town - less options, easier to satisfy. We bubbled away in the jacuzzi, suntanned on the deck, skipped rocks at the beach and watched the sunset. Ordered pizza. We woke up and watched the food network (as we haven't had cable for many-a-year, it was a sort of treat) and then promptly went out for breakfast. And immediately saw a couple who'd moved from Tuff to Ukee last fall, who we'd been semi-friends with. They saw us and invited us to join them at their table. Inside, I was rebellious. I'd wanted it to be like a vacation - like I was apart from my normal life, and this of course brought it all back home and rather ruined the fairy tale. Apart from my own bad attitude though, it was good - enjoyable, friendly, not even ONE good reason to have a bad 'tude. After that, we returned home.
Shawn. OH Shawn. So earnestly wanting to make me happy...so afraid of disappointing me..as in the past I have had huge, nearly impossible standards, and have made him feel wanting because of not meeting them in all particulars. (wow, you can really tell I've been reading Jane Austen!) He was continually surprised at how happy I was with everything this birthday, how perfectly satisfied I was. He almost couldn't believe it. I guess I've grown up some. Maybe I know myself a bit better. I've learned to value how he wants to make me happy - and that's enough now. The intention is everything, where before I was all superficial and material. here I go...crowing about my own worthyness! (gag. sorry).
It makes me happy though to know I can give him the appreciation he deserves from his efforts. Poor man - WHY does he love me so much? A spoiled, selfish and hurtful fub that I am.
Ok, now I'm abusing myself too much, as if I'm calling for contradiction. I'll stop.
I am going to the last night of darts with my friend tonight. I have a friend! *happiness*
