Shawn and I went for a beach stroll today. We drove out to South Chestermans and parked the truck in the public lot. Walked the short distance at the far south end of the beach to some stone steps camouflaged amongst big river boulders. There's a trail starting there that cuts inland through the forest a bit, parallel to the beach and the highway. Eventually you come out to a private paved road going up sharply, with driveways going off of it. The Rosie Bay houses, on the cliffs. Sometimes we go up there to the very top, where there's a trail leading to a look-out with two decrepit wooden chairs on a platform that's falling apart. It's cradled in the stunted trees, with a totally open view of Rosie Bay and the open ocean beyond. Just beyond the trail is a house, and the first summer I moved to Tofino it was still in the process of being built. Shawn and I had a picnic up there on the deck and enjoyed a brilliant sunset. We had greek salad.
Anyway, there's also a hidden little trail you can take at this point, that takes you to Cox Bay. This is the one we took. "It won't be too muddy", Shawn assured me before hand. Turned out, half of it was under water...and it's obviously a trail hardly anyone uses, because it's much over-grown, and there are many huge logs criss-crossing it that you have to scramble over. We exited (both a little muddier) at the back end of Pacific Sands. The tide was mostly out. There was a fresh, cool breeze. The sky was a patchwork of light and shadow. Moody. But once the sun came out, and brilliant rays shot through the clouds and turned patches of the sea shimmering white-gold. Nothing so refreshing as a trip to the beach!
Afterwards, Shawn dropped me off at the Co-op and I bought green onions, a packet of gravy, and mushrooms for the loco-moco that I'm going to make us for dinner. An aside about the gravy selection...it always takes me a while, because there's so many to choose from. My eye was caught by a particular package, labeled "turkey dindon". Dindon?! That almost made me choose it right then and there. But I didn't. Moving on...
I met Shawn at the bank, and we are now obviously at home. He's curled up on the bed reading the first Hunger Games book. I LOVE HIM.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I gave my old boss a call a couple weeks ago inquiring about my old job, and I finally heard back from him. He said depending on how busy it gets, maybe he could use me starting April. I hope it's April, or I'll have to find another job first. There's no one else, in the whole town of Tofino, that I want to work for. He's one of a kind - I'm sure of it.
I read the Hunger Games in 3 days. The last book, I started at around 7pm and ended at 5am. Pulled an all-nighter. I HAD to! I just had to know what happened with Peeta. After all the reading, the lack of comfort in the ending left me feeling quite disturbed and unable to sleep for awhile. I decided that the author had no interest in providing you with a cozy, comforting feeling at the end of the book. She probably wanted you to feel disturbed. To notice disconcerting parallels. To consider the state of our world. Just saying. The things that are wrong with our world are so glaringly obvious, but so hidden under a blanket of normalcy.
I watched Les Miserables. LOVED it!! Cried buckets and buckets. How could you not when it's such an example of the power of love?! such examples of love touch everybody. I want to be such an example of love. I also loved how everyone sang on scene. Powerful.
Last night, I had pierogies for dinner.
I read the Hunger Games in 3 days. The last book, I started at around 7pm and ended at 5am. Pulled an all-nighter. I HAD to! I just had to know what happened with Peeta. After all the reading, the lack of comfort in the ending left me feeling quite disturbed and unable to sleep for awhile. I decided that the author had no interest in providing you with a cozy, comforting feeling at the end of the book. She probably wanted you to feel disturbed. To notice disconcerting parallels. To consider the state of our world. Just saying. The things that are wrong with our world are so glaringly obvious, but so hidden under a blanket of normalcy.
I watched Les Miserables. LOVED it!! Cried buckets and buckets. How could you not when it's such an example of the power of love?! such examples of love touch everybody. I want to be such an example of love. I also loved how everyone sang on scene. Powerful.
Last night, I had pierogies for dinner.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
One of my Christmas gifts from Shawn was a pair of suede, baby blue moccasins. They were awesome, but apparently they were actually men's shoes, because although they were a size 8 (usually a never-fail for me) they were incredibly roomy for my feet. width and length-wise. Anyway, Shawn waaaaaay over-compensated for that wasted present. He bought me the complete hard-cover set of Twilight. It's been awesome for having something to do lately, but of course I'm already almost done the last book. But hopefully I'll be able to move on to The Hunger Games after. Me and Shawn bought the series for his mom, and she's done reading them. so there is every possibility of diverting reading in my future! - Which is great!
I can't believe how much me and Shawn laugh together lately. I belly laugh on a regular basis. It's so awesome to be with your best friend. So many things about our relationship have taken such a huge turn-around since the beginning. Rubs and clashes and fights have melted away. The obvious part I was missing for so long, was that all it took was for me to be absolutely honest to Shawn about who I am and what I want. Those were the magic words. They DID work like magic. Of course, at first he was confused and scared, because change in your closest ones is always disconcerting, but all I had to do was be patient and just keep explaining myself. Anyway, now we talk like that it seems on a regular basis, both of us being super honest and open. There's another thing. I don't feel nearly so lonely anymore. I'm not sure why, but that's another change. There used to be a little contention in the winter time about Shawn going out and spending half of every day in the ocean, surfing. But this winter, everything's changed. I just don't mind at all, and can't imagine why I ever did. surfing means a lot to Shawn, and it's obvious to see how healthy it is for him, when he comes home all glowing and smelling delicious (like the ocean and sweet fresh air) and full of energy and motivation. also I relish in my free time. I don't mind if he gives me half of every day to myself. It's perfect in fact. When pondering this, it made me think of something I read in The Conversations With God books. That whatever you desire, cause another to have it - and this will make you realize that you have it already - since you have it to give. And I feel like i've give Shawn freedom, and now I feel free. I guess it's plain to see our relationship is maturing - which means WE are - which means *I* am! Ha!
Besides the fact that we are best friends, and love to be goofy together, there is also the fact that any time I kiss him I can totally lose myself. It's something more than chemistry. It's harmony and true intimacy.
I can't believe how much me and Shawn laugh together lately. I belly laugh on a regular basis. It's so awesome to be with your best friend. So many things about our relationship have taken such a huge turn-around since the beginning. Rubs and clashes and fights have melted away. The obvious part I was missing for so long, was that all it took was for me to be absolutely honest to Shawn about who I am and what I want. Those were the magic words. They DID work like magic. Of course, at first he was confused and scared, because change in your closest ones is always disconcerting, but all I had to do was be patient and just keep explaining myself. Anyway, now we talk like that it seems on a regular basis, both of us being super honest and open. There's another thing. I don't feel nearly so lonely anymore. I'm not sure why, but that's another change. There used to be a little contention in the winter time about Shawn going out and spending half of every day in the ocean, surfing. But this winter, everything's changed. I just don't mind at all, and can't imagine why I ever did. surfing means a lot to Shawn, and it's obvious to see how healthy it is for him, when he comes home all glowing and smelling delicious (like the ocean and sweet fresh air) and full of energy and motivation. also I relish in my free time. I don't mind if he gives me half of every day to myself. It's perfect in fact. When pondering this, it made me think of something I read in The Conversations With God books. That whatever you desire, cause another to have it - and this will make you realize that you have it already - since you have it to give. And I feel like i've give Shawn freedom, and now I feel free. I guess it's plain to see our relationship is maturing - which means WE are - which means *I* am! Ha!
Besides the fact that we are best friends, and love to be goofy together, there is also the fact that any time I kiss him I can totally lose myself. It's something more than chemistry. It's harmony and true intimacy.
Monday, January 21, 2013
hodgepodge
This morning, as I opened the freezer to grab something, something black and shiny tumbled over my hand and landed in the freezer door's shelf. An X-box controller. Mystified, but wondering at the edge of my mind if there was some absurd reason why anyone would purposefully put a controller in the freezer (would it make it work better somehow..?) I called out to Shawn about it. His face, surprised and then sheepish, gave it all away, and we shrieked with laughter. Yes, shrieked. The mood in our home has been pretty jubilant lately. We had a heart-to-heart not too long ago and hashed a bunch of things out in an honest, straight-forward fashion. Something I need for my continuous good health. It never fails to rejuvinate me, for days. Weeks even, looking back. Makes me feel more grounded, more solidly myself and powerful.
I made a potato-chick pea salad today. But first I made guacamole with plenty of garlic. Then I added the chick peas and let it sit while the potatoes boiled away. When I eventually added them, I also added a sauce of mayo, apple cider vinegar, garlic, lime juice, and honey. It was scrumptiously delicious. I love the taste and texture of a raw garbanzo. Delightful earthiness. apparently though, according to other 'fub, they are hard to digest. Shame. Still though, doesn't seem to stop me from eating them at least once a week.
This post is boring hodgepodge and I'm going to stop it afore it gets any worse!!
I made a potato-chick pea salad today. But first I made guacamole with plenty of garlic. Then I added the chick peas and let it sit while the potatoes boiled away. When I eventually added them, I also added a sauce of mayo, apple cider vinegar, garlic, lime juice, and honey. It was scrumptiously delicious. I love the taste and texture of a raw garbanzo. Delightful earthiness. apparently though, according to other 'fub, they are hard to digest. Shame. Still though, doesn't seem to stop me from eating them at least once a week.
This post is boring hodgepodge and I'm going to stop it afore it gets any worse!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
'fub goes out to lunch
..."The pasties were, indeed, enormous, steaming and fragrant. Bethany took up a knife and cut hers in two, and bubbling morsels of steak and potato slipped out from between the folds of pastry. She smelt the onion, and her mouth watered. A breeze gusted from the sea and blew her hair over her face. She pushed it back and smiled at her companion.
"I'm so glad," she told him in a burst of content that was almost happiness, "that we didn't go to the Mitre."
"I'm so glad," she told him in a burst of content that was almost happiness, "that we didn't go to the Mitre."
Ukee Day
Yesterday Shawn had a day off, and we decided to go to Ukee together. I'd long wanted to go to the art store there to (hopefully) buy better-quality supplies than I can get in the Tofino Pharmacy. And we wanted to pack a snack and go walk the light house trail, which I haven't been to in years.
Well, some parts were disappointing. For example, the Crow's Nest, which I'd always heard advertised as an art/gift shop...was 7/8ths gift store, with one puny section of one shelf dedicated to painting supplies. There was WAY more selection, higher quality too, at the pharmacy in Tofino...Sigh. So much for that. But they had a large selection of delectable notebooks and journals, something that always pulls me, and since I needed a notebook for some of my chakra exercises and affirmations and what-not, I bought one. It was tough choosing, and I waffled for some time in between a hardcover covered in a green peacock-feather print, with enticing gold-edged paper, and a large bendy one with a lovely painting depicting a man and woman embracing. It's hard to explain, but that's the one I chose, even though the peacock one was much prettier. Price was a factor.
Afterwards, we decided to go to Salmon Beach instead of the light house trail, because I'd never been there, and Shawn was excited to show it to me. It is reached by a network of gravelled, pot-holed back roads. Very confusing, and in some places the alders were quickly regaining control of the road. After driving around for about an hour, Shawn admitted defeat, and we rumbled and bounced our way back to the highway. Just as we reached the highway, which took a good 20 minutes, Shawn received a text from his friend, telling him exact directions to Salmon Beach, but there was no way we were at that point going to go back into that pot-holed labyrinth. For one thing, the truck was running low on gas.
We decided to go to Grice Bay. Shawn took me there my first summer, and we lay in the back of his truck companionably with music playing from the open truck windows. And then I sketched views of the Bay. Anyway, that was the plan, but we got so absorbed in conversation on the road, that both of us forgot to pay attention, and before we knew it we were back in town. By this time, it was a few hours 'till sunset. Shawn parked the truck at our apartment, and we set off for Tonquin. It had been a while since we'd been. The entrance just up the road from our place, which used to be full of unwieldy large rocks and had been unpleasant to scramble across, had been transformed into a smooth, gravelled path.
As soon as we started down it, and entered the forest, I was glad our bumblings had taken us there. The sun's light was particularly warm on the trunks of the cedars, dappling them in a dazzling golden-red. The deep green cedar fronds were edged with light where the sun rays drifted down. The atmosphere was blissfully and exquisitely peaceful and content, just like a lazy summer afternoon. I don't know how Tofino manages to convey that in the middle of winter - but it DOES! constantly I have marveled at it.
The Beach, as we caught glimpses of it here and there through the trees, was glorious. The tide was out, so the little lagoon glittered and rippled next to the tall chunk of tree-covered rock that becomes an island with the rising of the tide. I was so happy to be outside, my footsteps falling in a companionable rhythm with Shawn's. I'd seen the trail before many times, but I still felt adventurous. I was seeing everything NOW, experiencing it as it was right then, which made it all new. We made our way to the large double-layered platform on the cliffs, from which you can see a lighthouse and Felicia Island and Tonquin Beach curving away back through the trees. We stayed and watched the sun set. I never want to leave, but soon it started to get dark, so we made our way back home.
Where I made a pot of tea and scalloped potatoes. It was my first attempt at scalloped potatoes, and it was SO DELICIOUS. Super easy, too! Even slicing the potatoes thinly by hand didn't take much time at-ALL, but when you only need to cook for two, that tends to be the case. All I did was make a rue, let it sit for a minute, added some cold milk and dried dill, and then cooked it on low until smooth, thick, and bubbling. (smelt divine). Then I added a bunch of graded cheddar, layered some potato and minced onion in our 8X8, poured the sauce over top, and repeat. Popped it in the oven uncovered for an hour at 350, and it came out perfect. Golden-browned and bubbly. Not the most healthy of dinners, but certainly tasty!
Well, some parts were disappointing. For example, the Crow's Nest, which I'd always heard advertised as an art/gift shop...was 7/8ths gift store, with one puny section of one shelf dedicated to painting supplies. There was WAY more selection, higher quality too, at the pharmacy in Tofino...Sigh. So much for that. But they had a large selection of delectable notebooks and journals, something that always pulls me, and since I needed a notebook for some of my chakra exercises and affirmations and what-not, I bought one. It was tough choosing, and I waffled for some time in between a hardcover covered in a green peacock-feather print, with enticing gold-edged paper, and a large bendy one with a lovely painting depicting a man and woman embracing. It's hard to explain, but that's the one I chose, even though the peacock one was much prettier. Price was a factor.
Afterwards, we decided to go to Salmon Beach instead of the light house trail, because I'd never been there, and Shawn was excited to show it to me. It is reached by a network of gravelled, pot-holed back roads. Very confusing, and in some places the alders were quickly regaining control of the road. After driving around for about an hour, Shawn admitted defeat, and we rumbled and bounced our way back to the highway. Just as we reached the highway, which took a good 20 minutes, Shawn received a text from his friend, telling him exact directions to Salmon Beach, but there was no way we were at that point going to go back into that pot-holed labyrinth. For one thing, the truck was running low on gas.
We decided to go to Grice Bay. Shawn took me there my first summer, and we lay in the back of his truck companionably with music playing from the open truck windows. And then I sketched views of the Bay. Anyway, that was the plan, but we got so absorbed in conversation on the road, that both of us forgot to pay attention, and before we knew it we were back in town. By this time, it was a few hours 'till sunset. Shawn parked the truck at our apartment, and we set off for Tonquin. It had been a while since we'd been. The entrance just up the road from our place, which used to be full of unwieldy large rocks and had been unpleasant to scramble across, had been transformed into a smooth, gravelled path.
As soon as we started down it, and entered the forest, I was glad our bumblings had taken us there. The sun's light was particularly warm on the trunks of the cedars, dappling them in a dazzling golden-red. The deep green cedar fronds were edged with light where the sun rays drifted down. The atmosphere was blissfully and exquisitely peaceful and content, just like a lazy summer afternoon. I don't know how Tofino manages to convey that in the middle of winter - but it DOES! constantly I have marveled at it.
The Beach, as we caught glimpses of it here and there through the trees, was glorious. The tide was out, so the little lagoon glittered and rippled next to the tall chunk of tree-covered rock that becomes an island with the rising of the tide. I was so happy to be outside, my footsteps falling in a companionable rhythm with Shawn's. I'd seen the trail before many times, but I still felt adventurous. I was seeing everything NOW, experiencing it as it was right then, which made it all new. We made our way to the large double-layered platform on the cliffs, from which you can see a lighthouse and Felicia Island and Tonquin Beach curving away back through the trees. We stayed and watched the sun set. I never want to leave, but soon it started to get dark, so we made our way back home.
Where I made a pot of tea and scalloped potatoes. It was my first attempt at scalloped potatoes, and it was SO DELICIOUS. Super easy, too! Even slicing the potatoes thinly by hand didn't take much time at-ALL, but when you only need to cook for two, that tends to be the case. All I did was make a rue, let it sit for a minute, added some cold milk and dried dill, and then cooked it on low until smooth, thick, and bubbling. (smelt divine). Then I added a bunch of graded cheddar, layered some potato and minced onion in our 8X8, poured the sauce over top, and repeat. Popped it in the oven uncovered for an hour at 350, and it came out perfect. Golden-browned and bubbly. Not the most healthy of dinners, but certainly tasty!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
com-fort
Today I made a list of comforting things. It was an exercise in a book I have about the chakras. I found it very enjoyable to make, and it made me excited for the next time I didn't know what to do with myself. The list included things such as :
- make a pot of tea
- run a bath with a good book
- wake up early and go out side for the breaking of the dawn
- pick flowers
- order take-out and rent movies
- peruse my recipe books and discover recipes to try later, which I mark down and cut out and slip into a jar. Relic of when Laura lived in Nanaimo and did a similar exercise with the help of me and 'fub
- make a nourishing meal
there are many more things I thought of. I thought I'd share it, in case anyone else would want to do the same. I put mine up on my fridge, and intend to consult it in cases of boredom.
Tofino was beautiful today. Me and Shawn watched the sun set, sitting on the steps of the back porch of one of his gardening clients houses. It's a huge house, mansion really, right at the end of the hospital road. Hardly anyone ever seems to go down there, and a lot of the time no one lives in the house. We checked first, and it seemed to be abandoned, so we walked around to the back of the house where there was a large flagstone terrace and beyond that, lawn sloping down to the sea. The Father Charles Channel, with a view of Felicia Island, large and dark, taking up half the view, trees leaning gracefully down towards the sea. And beyond Felicia, misty and almost disappearing, Vargas. Long and gently curved, the tops of cedars and pines spiking the horizon, but blurred by distance. And then nothing but open ocean, gleaming an indescribable silvery-blue, almost white. Smooth and grey like a dove's wing, but bursting with light and dancing sparkles.
Sometimes, when Eastre creeps up onto my lap, and pushes herself, back arched, against my torso before turning in a circle a few times and settling carefully down into a plush, orange cushion...I can hardly believe my luck, to have such a warm and soft, purring creature bless us with her gentle presence. Do other people realize the gentling influence a cat exudes, simply by being there? Maybe it's especially Eastre, who has an infinitely gentle aura. I have noted many times in the past, when perhaps I've raised my voice in frustration or me and Shawn were having an argument, that she's often looking at me intensely, and as soon as I meet her gaze, I feel a portion of rigid hardness melt away. Such is the effect of gentleness - from any quarter.
I painted a new picture today. I found a long-forgotten pad of acrylic paper in the closet, and took immediate advantage. I'm all out of blue paint, as USUAL, so I forced myself to only use red and white, sorta like Picasso's blue period. I'll post pictures soon.
- make a pot of tea
- run a bath with a good book
- wake up early and go out side for the breaking of the dawn
- pick flowers
- order take-out and rent movies
- peruse my recipe books and discover recipes to try later, which I mark down and cut out and slip into a jar. Relic of when Laura lived in Nanaimo and did a similar exercise with the help of me and 'fub
- make a nourishing meal
there are many more things I thought of. I thought I'd share it, in case anyone else would want to do the same. I put mine up on my fridge, and intend to consult it in cases of boredom.
Tofino was beautiful today. Me and Shawn watched the sun set, sitting on the steps of the back porch of one of his gardening clients houses. It's a huge house, mansion really, right at the end of the hospital road. Hardly anyone ever seems to go down there, and a lot of the time no one lives in the house. We checked first, and it seemed to be abandoned, so we walked around to the back of the house where there was a large flagstone terrace and beyond that, lawn sloping down to the sea. The Father Charles Channel, with a view of Felicia Island, large and dark, taking up half the view, trees leaning gracefully down towards the sea. And beyond Felicia, misty and almost disappearing, Vargas. Long and gently curved, the tops of cedars and pines spiking the horizon, but blurred by distance. And then nothing but open ocean, gleaming an indescribable silvery-blue, almost white. Smooth and grey like a dove's wing, but bursting with light and dancing sparkles.
Sometimes, when Eastre creeps up onto my lap, and pushes herself, back arched, against my torso before turning in a circle a few times and settling carefully down into a plush, orange cushion...I can hardly believe my luck, to have such a warm and soft, purring creature bless us with her gentle presence. Do other people realize the gentling influence a cat exudes, simply by being there? Maybe it's especially Eastre, who has an infinitely gentle aura. I have noted many times in the past, when perhaps I've raised my voice in frustration or me and Shawn were having an argument, that she's often looking at me intensely, and as soon as I meet her gaze, I feel a portion of rigid hardness melt away. Such is the effect of gentleness - from any quarter.
I painted a new picture today. I found a long-forgotten pad of acrylic paper in the closet, and took immediate advantage. I'm all out of blue paint, as USUAL, so I forced myself to only use red and white, sorta like Picasso's blue period. I'll post pictures soon.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
a dry, warm foot
This morning, like a lot of mornings, Eastre's little meow piping up is what woke me up. We are trying to train her out of that, because once she gets started meowing in the morning she does it incessantly, with NO break in between, and it's awwwfulllll! - so, I got up right away to pick up the offending bundle of fur and place her outside. I blundered through the bedroom, and then, when my dry, warm foot touched the smooth wood in the hall, it completely failed the make purchase in a spectacular way, and I went -WOOP- head over heels, crashing into the opposite wall. "OW!" two of my toes crunched against the wall. Now Shawn was blundering groggily out of bed to see what happened to me. "No don't get up I'm ok!" I tried to say frantically, but Shawn in the morning is a groggy force to be reckoned with. It takes words twice as long to sink in, and I usually have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times before the words make any sense to him. Not to mention the fact that surfing in the freezing ocean has recently resulted in over-plugged ears (he had to go to the doctor's), and he is quite deaf. Anyway, that was the hectic way we woke up today.
I have the internet for a short while 'cause our neighbour shared his password. We have very neighbourly neighbours. This guy who shared his password lives alone next to us. He's Polish and I often hear the radio or something playing in Polish from over there. He has twice brought over food for me and Shawn. Little savoury pastries that he made himself with sour cream and lots of garlic. Our neighbours on the other side, Emily and Jared are quite friendly as well. Emily is french-canadian and works at the coffee shop me and Shawn often go to. We live in a good place.
This winter, being my third winter in Tofino, has been difficult. I've been in a big-time rut. The other week, I brought out some paintings, hoping to inspire myself into getting to work again making a portfolio. I tried painting for two days off and on, but instead of making any encouraging progress, I was simply discouraged with what I couldn't do and didn't know. I felt hopeless and trapped, with nothing I could use to pull myself out of my rut. How could I turn to painting if I didn't even enjoy myself while I painted? As always when I find myself at some sort of rock bottom, I found myself praying. When I'm alone, I give myself the luxury of praying out loud. Like I am talking to my best friend about what hurts. I don't mince words - I say exactly what's on my mind. Which that night, basically, was "how am I supposed to change my life, if I can't get motivated by anything - if even the things I'm supposed to love doing I don't enjoy anymore?" Anyway, after a good session of that, where I released some fiery tears of repression and boredom and hopelessness, I found myself sitting in front of the computer, and without thinking too much, I started to write. I decided that I just wouldn't stop, even if I felt stuck, like those writing exercises you do to clear your creativity. And, lo and behold, I started to get intrigued with what I was writing. I started enjoying myself. In fact, I couldn't get myself to stop. Then, the NEXT day, I all of a sudden felt inspired about the paintings I was working on, so I got out my supplies and went at 'er. And I had so much fun, and I couldn't even believe what was being produced under my paintbrush. It was just what I wanted to paint like. I felt as though I moved forward in a huge leap, and all these things clicked. So - happy ending!
I have the internet for a short while 'cause our neighbour shared his password. We have very neighbourly neighbours. This guy who shared his password lives alone next to us. He's Polish and I often hear the radio or something playing in Polish from over there. He has twice brought over food for me and Shawn. Little savoury pastries that he made himself with sour cream and lots of garlic. Our neighbours on the other side, Emily and Jared are quite friendly as well. Emily is french-canadian and works at the coffee shop me and Shawn often go to. We live in a good place.
This winter, being my third winter in Tofino, has been difficult. I've been in a big-time rut. The other week, I brought out some paintings, hoping to inspire myself into getting to work again making a portfolio. I tried painting for two days off and on, but instead of making any encouraging progress, I was simply discouraged with what I couldn't do and didn't know. I felt hopeless and trapped, with nothing I could use to pull myself out of my rut. How could I turn to painting if I didn't even enjoy myself while I painted? As always when I find myself at some sort of rock bottom, I found myself praying. When I'm alone, I give myself the luxury of praying out loud. Like I am talking to my best friend about what hurts. I don't mince words - I say exactly what's on my mind. Which that night, basically, was "how am I supposed to change my life, if I can't get motivated by anything - if even the things I'm supposed to love doing I don't enjoy anymore?" Anyway, after a good session of that, where I released some fiery tears of repression and boredom and hopelessness, I found myself sitting in front of the computer, and without thinking too much, I started to write. I decided that I just wouldn't stop, even if I felt stuck, like those writing exercises you do to clear your creativity. And, lo and behold, I started to get intrigued with what I was writing. I started enjoying myself. In fact, I couldn't get myself to stop. Then, the NEXT day, I all of a sudden felt inspired about the paintings I was working on, so I got out my supplies and went at 'er. And I had so much fun, and I couldn't even believe what was being produced under my paintbrush. It was just what I wanted to paint like. I felt as though I moved forward in a huge leap, and all these things clicked. So - happy ending!
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