A fub visit

I left Tofino on a bus for Williams Lake on a tuesday at 10am. Equipped with a laptop bag stuffed as full as it could possibly be stuffed. One thing I had forgotten, as per usual, was a book. I remedied this on the ferry by indulging in a Dwell magazine. Flipping through it while sipping my coffee took up most of the ride. In Vancouver, Laura met me at the bus depot to grab some eats. I had a 3 hour window. She mercilessly forced me to decide what we were going to have - Labee is not understanding to the indecisive, food-option-deprived. I'm sorry but this must be said. Mongolian grill was settled on. Labee and I both decided on the 'hot and sweet' sauce option, although we both erred from the chart - adding both garlic and sesame oil. The result was tasty, with a warm sweet heat. I am a fan of mongolian grill. I just want to point out that that was only my 3rd time ever EATING mongolian grill. I feel, as a person who loves adventurous food, a little cheated in life.

19 hours from the time I departed, I arrived at the familiar depot in Williams Lake. It was 5:10am. I'd slept the entire way, and was shocked into giddiness when I was woken abruptly to the bus driver's voice declaring, "Welcome to Williams Lake!". I grabbed my bag and jostled my way off the bus, and walked with enthusiasm to Bethany and Ben's car. Only it wasn't their car, as I surmised when I was close enough to note a rotund face with glasses peering nervously at me out the window. Smoothly I changed direction mid-step, as if I'd only been stretching my legs.

They picked me up a few minutes later, huddled against the front of the depot building in the freezing caribou air. Once at Gail's, Bethany directed a slightly gruff and tired Ben to make my bed up for me, which I gratefully stretched out on. Sleeping lying down is a luxury after making do with a bus seat.

I woke up some hours later and ravaged the breakfast that'd been left in the frying pan for me. Bethany had a doctor's appointment that morning, so we all went together, and then fub and I went shopping for dinner while Ben and Owen got hair cuts. We took some time deciding what to have for dinner - obviously everything that Bethany mentioned as an option was something I wanted - but we finally decided on a stir-fry with chicken, sausage, and prawns. And bok choy…and mushrooms..and bell peppers…in case you were wondering. We had a cozy Christmas-themed night, nested out in Bethany and Ben's bed watching "White Christmas" and "The Family Stone" while painting our nails . Fub and I agreed that Christmas cheer had been accomplished.

That night, I kept going in and out of consciousness, dimly aware of an uneasiness in my stomach that wasn't going away. When I woke up that morning and it was still there, fear began to set in. No! No I couldn't be sick! That just couldn't HAPPEN to me. But there was no denying it. My mind flashed back to when I'd eaten Mongolian grill with Labee. "Last time I had mongolian grill," I'd told her blithely, "I got sick the day after". …what, was that just too tempting for fate to leave alone?! but I knew it wasn't the mongolian grill. Shawn's roommate had been sick with the flu when I'd left.
It wasn't TOO bad though. I kept myself from ralphing, afraid that if I did I would be rendered helpless on a bed (ever since the infamous food-poisening incident in Encinitas, I have lost my casual 'tude towards ralphing). As it was, I could walk around - albeit in a cold sweat, and uttering zombie-like groans. A kind-hearted fub-and-benman bought me some non-sleepy gravol so that we could all go out that night and watch the new Hunger Games. The movie distracted me, and half-way through I noted that the gravol had kicked in and I felt much better. Thank the Lord for gravol.

Despite having the flu, it was still a fun day. I helped Bethany and another lady decorate for the talent show that was being held at the Church that Friday, stringing up silver stars and helping decide where the huge fluffy paper flowers 'fub had made should go. In between, I gorged my musical self on the sublimity of playing a grand piano, and curled up into a fetal ball on various parts of the floor (groaning dramatically). I was so wiped after that experience though, that I fell asleep on fub-and-benman's fluffy bed for 3 and a half hours, and could easily have slept through the night. While I was sleeping, everyone ate chicken. fub-and-benman always eat chicken. I think people should know.

There were other fun parts of the visit - going book shopping, searching for little retro christmassy figurines (for a home-made advent calendar we were thinking of making), going to the little cafe every morning (I rather forced a fub to come with me for my morning coffee. It's a tradition now, and traditions must be upheld. Just watch "the fiddler on the roof"). It was short visit. Much too short. The day after the flu day I had to catch a bus at 1 in the afternoon. I have a hate/love relationship with the Williams Lake bus depot. When I arrive, it's just a lovely sight. When I'm leaving, it's a dreary and hateful place. I always leave Williams Lake, which has a fub in it, with a heavy heart. At least (for once) the bus was quite empty and I had a good choice of seats. I ended up behind a very friendly - jolly, actually - old man in a turquoise turban, who chatted with me for a little bit. I defied my own past experience with reading on a bus (usually makes me sick) by reading the book Bethany had bought me almost the entire way. "sushi for beginners". It was dark almost for the entire ride, and we pulled into Vancouver at 9pm. As per instructions from Jordinian, I rode the sky train into Surrey, where he picked me up. I was surprised to see his kids still up and waiting for me. Apparently they were excited to see me! My nieces and nephews notice me?? This I find surprising - and guilt-inducing, since I am HOPELESS at engaging the little ones. When it comes to a shy-battle with kids and me, it's almost always a stand-off tie. However, they bounced around showing me their Christmas projects, and acquainting me with some stuffed animals (and their stories). I was shocked and pleased to note that Gert the rat was still alive and well. You know, Gert? The stuffed rat of fame? The one dad would make a voice for during family prayer times (I would be groaning and trying not to laugh). Jordan informed me that he'd saved it from drowning on Even and Esther's driveway. Anyway, it was a really nice visit and I found myself being glad and grateful for the circumstances that had led me to stay there.

Even if Jordan's alarm clock malfunctioned the next morning and I had to get ready at neck-break speed to catch the sky train, which is what happened. It was no biggie. Tracy got me to the station with time to spare, it turned out. When the bus pulled out of the depot, it was just starting to get light. I stared out the window kind of rapturously, taking in the unfamiliar yet beautiful sight of Vancouver at dawn. The glass-covered high-rises reflecting the pale periwinkle sky and wisps of cloud. The grand old buildings and the grand old trees all mixed up with the more colourful, edgy, graffiti'd ones. The city waking up. There's something about Vancouver which stimulates and inspires me. Probably has something to do with the extreme change in environment from what I'm used to.

I rolled into Tofino at 2:40 in the afternoon. Shawn was there, waiting for me beside his truck, and I may or may not have jumped onto him and latched on like a koala. He may or may not have had to gently un-velcro me from his person. We drank wine and ate some Wildside (pulled pork poutine for me - followed by gravol - and the blue cheese buffalo chicken burger for fubman) and talked most of the night. The pain of leaving a fub is soothed by the joy of coming home to a fubman.

BURD

The birds. They have been having a hard time. See, one special aspect of my job is that it comes part-and-parcel with a flock of butterball sparrows who think the bakery is their personal pantry, if you will. It's a constant struggle keeping them out of the shop, and all of us who've worked there have vacillated between pity, annoyance, desperation, and responsibility on this subject. There used to be some who'd leave piles of nuts and the like outside in an attempt to keep them outside, but when the staff subsided to being just me and Michelle, we both decided that it would be best to stop feeding them, and hoped that maybe they'd become less aggressive as a result. This was a fail. Especially with the cold snap we've been having lately, they are more persistent then ever. If the door is open, you can be sure there's a feather'd butterball hopping inside at any given moment. you can't just scare them away by stomping their way. They are so desperate, they just stare at you until you have your foot hovered right above the bird in question's tiny body. Then they'll hop outside reluctantly…but the moment you have your back turned, you can be sure they will be right back inside. The other day I observed them flocked around the closed door, pecking at paper, cardboard, dried leaves. And - I admit. I gave in. I have officially started to feed the birds again. Judge me if you must. But i love them. They are like my pets. Almost tame. They flock around me wherever I am in the courtyard, and one sneakily ate out of my hand once…(I wasn't trying to feed it. It saucily jumped onto my wrist and tried to steal a bite while my head was turned the other way).

Anyway, nice weather we've been having hey? I am grateful to weather  for being an ever-pertinent topic of conversation.

I am freshly off work, sitting at my computer in Shawn's apartment, waiting for the voice to download. And I thought - well, may as well write a blog post, ya know? Only problem is I find it super difficult to write posts these days. I've got blogger's block. I think I've got so much to relate that it's hard to say ANYTHING. 

So…well let's start with…hmm. I'm sorry, but my life has been unequivocally uneventful and boring. I am border-line depressed, struggling to keep up with the simplest of things. I feel like a total mess. Un-ravelled 'fub here. Most days I just give up and hibernate. It seems too hard to do things that would make me feel better. Everything seems hard. 

See, I don't want to write things like that, which is why I don't write often. But I feel better after writing it, knowing that people who love me will read it, so that's good. 

I am my own worst enemy. Sigh. 

Oh boy. I really need to save this post from being super depressing. It's just that, how I've been getting along up to now doesn't work anymore. It's like my juices have run out if you will. So I'm having to re-invent everything, myself included. Alright, that's a more positive way of looking at things. Re-invention is inspiring and full of opportunity. you've got to break down in order to start again, right? 

I think about when I was younger, how clear and sure I was about everything. I had a stance, and I was so sure about that stance. But...I think there's a lot of good that can come out of breaking your 'stance', and letting yourself be unsure, to re-evaluate. otherwise, how can you let anything new in? 

See, this is why I don't post. I never talk about my life except in philosophical rambles. I can't wait for the day when I can regale everyone with tales of different interesting tidbits about what's going on with me. I thought maybe  moving in with michelle would be good, but I haven't actually spent any time at my new 'place'. and now Darren is moving out of my old  apartment, and I can move back in with Shawn. so that's what's happening there. 

Also, Laura and Bethany know this, but I have a first-time-ever goal for life. I am going to open up a bakery. I am giving myself 3 years to save money and come up with a business plan. Honestly, I don't know how I didn't arrive at this conclusion years ago. It seems so natural to me now. I don't think there is any area of life I get more satisfaction from than with food and feeding people and sharing my…if I do say so…natural genius *cough*…that I've got with food. I want to blow people's minds. I want to CHANGE people's minds. I want to help them OPEN their minds, even if it's just to allow that something is good that they never thought could be good. And I just want to share quality deliciousness. And unleash my creativity. Any ideas for names? Do share. Anything someone would like to see on my menu? again, share away! 

I am back! I got my computer back on the weekend, and now it is time to re-enter the blogging world. Hopefully not everyone has given up on checking this yet.

It's a cold, fitfully rainy day here in Tuff. I am not feeling the best, have been struggling with nausea all day, so I closed up shop early and came here to Shawn's apartment. It's nice I have a job where I can do that. I'm not living with Shawn, technically speaking. On the 1st I moved in with my manager. It's a cute two bedroom house with a big deck and lots of counter space in the kitchen. I have a room at the back of the house. It has white laminate tile flooring, a small window looking out  onto some gravel driveway and rainforest beyond, and a wardrobe. I have yet to acquire a bed, but I'm dragging my heels because I wouldn't even be using it long, since Shawn and I are moving to Victoria in February. That and the fact that i never sleep there. Right? not very motivating. Anyway, so my stuff is all in boxes in my new room. And I am always at my old place. It's quite psychologically scattering to live in two places at once. I wouldn't recommend it!

A lot has happened this past summer and fall. I've learned a lot about myself. I've had to come to peace with things. Breaking up with Shawn was an eye-opener. That's the only reason why I feel it wasn't a total mistake. I actually don't think it was a mistake at all, because I don't know how else I would have come to where I am now. Shawn's the only one who's ever wormed himself in so deeply that he touched me beyond the surface. I have been humbled.

I've come to like rock bottom. Rock bottom is where my strengths come out. It's a raw place full of potential. Your choices are clear. What's important to you is clear. It's harder to hide from yourself.

One thing that's been coming on a lot lately is coming to peace with myself, however I am. learning to wipe the slate clean and really unburden myself of the past. And realizing how much I don't have figured out at all.