The Branch of Fate

Last night at around 10:30, Shawn and I were shocked out of our skins when a sudden loud BOOM-BANG shook the side of our apartment. Eastre, with eyes so wide she looked like a kitten again, came bolting out of the bedroom, and then slunk somewhere and completely disappeared for about half an hour. The first thing I thought was...earthquake? but a quick glance outside showed that a tree had actually fallen against the apartment, and had landed right in front of our window, narrowly missing crashing right through it. Or at least it looked like a tree - a cedar tree. But this morning when I looked outside, I saw that what had in fact happened is a strip of a large cedar had separated from the main trunk - what had looked like a tree was actually a huge branch. Anyway, excitement!

It's POURING outside. Same as yesterday...

I've been hermitting inside. Yesterday my cabin fever reached a boiling point and then I deflated, like a balloon. The highlight of my day was when I did t-tapp! Positivity, though! Since every single thought we have, has an influence on our lives, I was making a real effort to stay positive - and it was a pleasant enough evening when Shawn came home. He's a warm sun of comfort.

Next time I go to work I will tell them of my predicament when it comes to hours, and inform them that I'll have to get a second job if I don't get more soon. They won't want that! Simple fact is though, that I can't go on much longer with only two shifts a week. I know they can give me more. KNOW.

Dock Festival

I am undeniably fish-smelling right now. Today instead of working the store, I got to help out at Dock Fest down on the 4th street dock. Which meant I got to stand at a booth, handing out candied salmon nuggets and selling packages of smoked salmon. I was at a booth with this First Nations Fisheries which I cannot spell - Twaa-qi-aht or someut. Everytime someone got some salmon I'd give them the speal of how the First nations catch the fish and we smoke it. It was crazy - people were eating the nuggets faster than I could put them out. Right beside me there was a booth for The Spotted Bear restaurant and they were handing out samples of grilled octopus. DELICIOUS. About half-way through I was allowed to go out and try the samples and see what was going on. It was muggy and warm, with the sun playing hide and seek with the clouds all afternoon. It was fun. Only I couldn't find the booth with the shellfish soup that smelt so delicious that I saw everyone walking around with. But then, at the very end, a random boy with a chef's uniform on came up and gave me one of my very own! It had a stick of fresh bread sticking out of it. Clams. There was cilantro in the broth. soooo good. I ate it as I walked down the street to Method Marine where Shawn was working (he had the apartment keys. A dog literally ate his keys). Altogether, a 3 hour shift. Now I'm home and I don't work again until Friday.

To be confident one must give oneself confidence. As I've been realizing this more and more, it's become quite a comfort. After all, it's so true. No one else can validate you - not truly. you must validate yourself. But that's all you need to do to feel good. And you don't need anyone else to do it before you do. All you need is you! That's the comforting part. The reassuring part. I've been giving myself much more validation, but it's a work in progress. Life is more fun that way because you can be any way you want - and as long as you are comfortable with you, people will tend to relax around you also. I think I've got a lot of potential to put people at ease, but first I must work out this knot that's developed in my midsection. It's all wound up tight from worrying what other people think. I've been discarding it more and more lately. It feels a tiny bit reckless, like I'm letting go of a foothold.

I'll leave this post with my new mantra. I love repeating it to myself whenever I think of it. It's a thought of Rumi's.

"Make me sweet again. fragrant and fresh and wild. and thankful for any small event."

I find that this day has been quite philosophical.

For example: I've always gotten by with putting in the least amount of effort needed for the job. It's clear to me (and has always been clear to the teachers I grew up with) that what I really need - what will take me places - is discipline. But it's like cleaning your room. You know it's what you really want - that it will be fulfilling and you'll be happier - but you (well, me anyway) keep putting it off and putting it off until you finally reach that point where you must make the decision because you can't keep living the same way you have been. My entire life has been leading up to finally having the strength to make the decision to discipline myself. My entire life has been shaped by my various stages of acceptance and denial towards this fact. I know in a way that leaves no room for doubt that discipline used wisely will take me as far as I can ever imagine. The only problem is that it conflicts with my carefree desire to be happy in the moment. Discipline requires moments of sacrifice, with the understanding that whatever momentary sacrifices you're making will be more than worth it once you accomplish whatever it is you're using discipline for. Such as sacrificing a moment of relaxation in a dirty house by cleaning it, so that you can then relax in a CLEAN one, which we all know is much more rewarding.

This is Professor Amy lecturing Student Amy. You all are just along for the ride.

the tasty bite addiction

There are packets of heat-up vegetarian curry that rejoice under the brand of Tasty Bite. There are many brands and varieties of said curry packets, but Tasty Bite is all we've got here. They sell them for $4 a pop at the health food store, Green Soul. And as you've probably guessed, I'm a little bit addicted. Yesterday I had Tasty Bite for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I learned how to make mango chutney so that my eating of Tasty Bite could be complete. And let me tell you: with my mango chutney, it is.

Tribute to the power of love

April 30th marked my 3 year anniversary of up and moving to Tofino, and of falling wildly in love with one Shawn Mclean. Those of you who know him might smile a little at him being the object of such passionate feelings. I'm just saying he may often come across as goofy and friendly and a little spacey - which isn't super romantic-sounding...but is only an aspect of who he is, of course. There's a side of him that belongs to me, and me alone. Nobody else ever sees it. No one else HAS ever seen it. It's been that way since we first met. I got teased and given a hard time for liking him by some back then, who didn't think he was worthy of me. I kind of knew what they meant (not that I thought he wasn't good enough for me)...he was too young, he was awkward, blah blah blah. Back then I never knew why I did like him so much, it was just one of those inexplicable attractions. It was later I noted the few notable differences from other crushes. One, I recognized his face. Two, it wasn't that I found him physically attractive exactly...(he wasn't that cute back then. he had almost no chin and a head too big for his body)...it was him shining through his physical body that made him - has always made him, and always will make him - so attractive to me. THAT'S what I recognized. I knew his face, but at the same time I knew I'd never really seen that face before. It was what was beyond the face I knew. Three, no matter how much or how little we talked, the attraction only grew with time, until, by the time I was 24 and struggling with decisions, it was at such a crazy frenzy that thinking about him would keep me up literally all night. I always knew (hoped...knew!) I'd be with him eventually. It was just a matter of our stars lining up.

I used to look into Andreas' eyes and be a little frightened when I saw what was staring at me through them. But when I look into Shawn's eyes I feel the ease and familiarity of someone who's been my family for all of time. It's no wonder I gravitate to his side. I love to be there. I feel so loved and treasured there, so boundlessly free to express myself and my joy with abandon. He LOVES my joyful expressions. Our love is the same love. It's a part of our existence, and when we live there without fear we become so beautiful together. A God and a Goddess dancing our intertwining love-dance, effortlessly remembering steps echoing to us like faint, well-known music from the depths of eternity. And shining so far into the universe...to the furthest ends. Love is unlimited like that.

I've had a camera now for so long I often forget about it. But one time I ALWAYS think to use it is when I come upon Shawn and Eastre cuddling together in bed. She always cuddles with him after she eats her breakfast. I'm up obviously, having been the one bullied into waking up and feeding her. And sometimes i'll go into the bedroom to get something and see something so precious I just have to take a picture. Eastre curled up into Shawn's chest, her paw hugging his outstretched arm, her head resting on said arm. Shawn curved up around her on his side. Fast asleep. The sound of deep purrs and peaceful breathing. There's something about those moments I treasure that makes me want to capture them. And Shawn when he's asleep is beautiful. His face and mouth are so sensitively shaped. It's obvious the tenor of the soul that shaped them.

He's often told me of symbolic dreams he's had of me, both before and after we met. one of them touched me deeply because it - well, I'll just tell you. It was dark in his dream - he was on a path deep in the woods, and it felt dangerous and scary, and he didn't know where he was. Then he saw a light coming up, a circle of light, getting brighter and illuminating everything around it. When it got close enough he saw it was a bicycle light, with me riding the bicycle, and he felt comforted and safe. In another similar dream, he was looking for me on a boat out at sea, in the middle of the night again. He looked everywhere, panicked, and finally saw a lighthouse beam, and knew I'd be at the source of that light. so he found me finally, and there was a cozy fire by the lighthouse and the dream changed into something really good-feeling and comforting. Those dreams touched me because I realized the power I had to love. I can't put it any other way, even though that doesn't seem to capture the hugeness of the realization. If only words could truly mirror what's inside us!! No expression would ever be cheap - it would be impossible. True expression is incorruptible...and can pierce through a heart of stone. Such as music. A language we share with birds and wind and water...with pebbles clattering out their natural rhythm as they tumble down a mountainside, with rain finding it's voices on the various textures of roof and grass and rock, with the tiny hum caused by an insect's wings, the clap of intensity when a blinding finger of lighting finds purchase with the earth. How I love to play with words though.

Dreaming of Cahors

I walked to the Coop this morning in flip flops and my winter jacket. There was a fine, chilly drizzle and my feet were soon numb. Why? Well, I suppose I was stubbornly hoping it was still going to be warm enough for flip flops, even though for the past week it's grown chilly and wet. Anyway, at the Coop I bought two artichokes, a pound of butter, a red onion, a wedge of parmesan, and a carton of eggs. Shawn and I are going to have artichokes with hollandaise, roasted asparagus and tomatoes and a ceasar salad tonight for dinner. Lots of greens. The past two nights I made hamburger gravy and had it over rice with a fried egg, loco-moco style. I heard from Soobin' that two days eating meat a week is for most people an optimal amount. 

I'm excited about the artichokes. Last time I had them was when I was staying on a barge in France. Perhaps my spontaneous decision to have them for dinner tonight is due to how much I've been thinking of that France trip lately. It's the story I'm working on that's responsible, because it's starting out with a group trip experience in France. I chose places I've been, because I feel to write a good story about a place, you need to have experienced it yourself. In researching for my story, I found out that Cahors, the Medieval city I spent one short day in, is a very interesting, old city that used to be a major place in Medieval times, with a large University (which was lost in the 18th century). It also has a very Mediterranean feel, due to it's closeness to the coast. I also discovered that the huge, outdoor market, which I was entranced by, was in what's called the Medieval Quarters. Anyway, the research I did made me want to back there SO badly. I remember that day we were there I wished we could stay - but we were only there so I could go to the hospital and get my eye fixed. It had some weird infection that was really painful - felt like there was something in my eye all the time, but there wasn't. I'd been to pharmacies and nothing had helped, but at the hospital they finally gave me something that got rid of it. And they were so, SO nice there. 

What I miss most about my stay in France are the long walks. The last place I stayed in, Saint Cirq Lapopie, had a quiet walk along the river, where we came upon a huge old stone estate right on the water, with a huge water courtyard for boats. The thing I remember most is how peaceful it felt there. That's why I want to go back. It was so beautiful, warm, and peaceful - and so were the people. I was so happy just being there. The second thing I miss is waking up early and walking to the invariable bakery for freshly baked goods. The third thing is the outdoor markets and the exciting things you'd find there and eat for dinner. Fourth: cheese. 'nuff said. Overall, what I miss most about traveling is the freedom and sense of adventure that permeates every day. I'd have to travel a LOT to get tired of that. 

Last night I had a nightmare that I was called into work and couldn't think of a good excuse quick enough to say no. Phewph! 

Today was definitely a day of crab at work. Emptying a bin just freshly pulled from the sea is something I've had to get better at quickly. It's much more of an anxious task than pulling them from the tank, because they are all squished bum-to-pincer, and usually all facing pincer up at me. But I can't dawdle over it - gotta get it done! So I'm always having to take this huge bin and turn it on it's side and shake it around, and then the whole thing is alive and moving in one big bunch of legs and pincers.

The fun part about crab is how impressed people get. Today some ladies got 6, and as I was breaking their backs, one with an english accent said, "I bet your boyfriend doesn't cheek you around!"  - which I found funny and also slightly muddled me because, being able to kill crab doesn't actually make you a hard core person. But people treat you as if it does! So why not, right? yeah! I'm hard core!! don't mess with ME. ( At least if you are a crab. )

Enough about work already, right? Yeah, that's it anyway. It was a good day today.  A day of hard work, but I'm definitely getting more of a feel for what my job entails overall and I'm much better at multitasking. And now I have 5 days off before I work again, unless I get called in. A lake of time!

Scaleitis

As I was uselessly trying to scrub my arms clean today after bagging 100's of pieces of fish, Brit came upon me.
"are you ok?" she asked with concern, probably noting the look on my face. In answer I looked up at her and asked,
"do you ever feel like you're growing scales?" A look of understanding flitted across her expression, and she quickly moved back to her chores.
"all the time," she said.

It's just that...the cumulative effect of bagging that much fish is rather alarming on the skin. It DOES look exactly like you've grown scales as part of your skin (because they are see-through, they become flesh-coloured) - and after awhile it looks like your skin is flaking off. Add that with the fish blood that mixes in with it all - and it definitely looks like i have some horrific skin disease. Oh yeah, and it's itchy.

My main job's challenge has changed again. Now it's to be fast in everything I do, while multitasking and prioritizing. there is literally one thing after another until it's time to leave, and usually there's still a ton left to do. I've never gotten out on time. And today, thanks to all the fish-bagging, I can't deny that there is a pungent odour hanging around me. In fact as I was walking home today, I tasted fish in my mouth! yes, as if the salmon oil had somehow gotten THERE, too.

Even when I don't smell fish, Shawn does. He's always sniffing delicately around the house saying he smells something fishy. And there I am, sitting in freshly laundered clothes from top to bottom, just out of the shower, and there is nothing I've worn at work even remotely around. How - ?

shape it up

I'm done my first week of training at Trilogy now. I've gotten over my crab fear. In fact...it's kind of fun how impressed people get when I catch, kill and clean them. Yesterday, some people tipped me for it! My trainer talks a million miles a minute, and it's been incorporated into my job's challenges: how to understand everything she says the first time. I usually catch only the first and last thing. But she's really nice and I like her. I felt this little nudge my first day in fact, it was really subtle, but I had this feeling that I'd be able to work well with her because I "got" the kind of person she was. Time will tell, sahib.

But I really like my job. It's weird because it's a lot of hard work, and some of it is downright gross, but I get a lot of personal satisfaction out of it and overcoming all the challenges. It's taken me awhile to learn that I need that in a job. I thought the easy-going, slow jobs were where it's at for me, but after working two of them and now doing this one, I see differently. It's an interesting dynamic, because I need to deal with things that are hard for me in order to be happy. It was a hard one to accept. But I'm there now. And I want to share my plan.

It's been forming now in my brain for awhile. It all started with France getting Shawn all excited about starting an essential oils and lotions type of business. I was on board right away, I love the idea of it, but I think Shawn's original excitement was because he thought it would be something he could do quickly to make money and not have to get a job. Once he realized it would take more than that, his enthusiasm quickly ebbed...but I still love the idea and I'm going to go for it. My plan is to work a steady job to make money while I start this up. I'm also practicing my writing. I'm going to write a book. A novel. It's something I've started doing more in my free time. It's so much more accessible than painting for me right now. That's the shape of my future at the moment! So, yeah, I'm now a person with a plan. And I like it! I like it a lot!

I'm going to go write some poetry!!