happiness sometimes

Sometimes happiness is a hot shower. Feeling the water run over my heart = soothing. And being held by a fubman.

Happiness is also a bowl of good hot homemade soup, accompanied with a crusty slice of garlic bread.

And a soft purry cat squished into the corner of the couch to pet.

I had a thought I'd like to share.  It was about love and music. You see, I was thinking of Shawn, and how the most tempting thing in the world wouldn't change how I'd feel about him, or sway me, because he fulfills everything, you see. And I was thinking of how people that come into contact with us always seem to feel that. And then I thought about how at the most basic of levels, our energy seems to resonate, hum, sing. And THEN I thought of singing with my sisters, and how I love it, because our voices blend into one, and the feeling of blending so harmoniously, energetically, with others, is so wonderful…and the reason I thought of that is because that is how I feel with Shawn. resonant, harmonic, a blending of voices and energies that feels SO good.
Thank you, that is all.
Christmas cheers from Speshul.

Monday night was the Method Marine staff party at The Spotted Bear. It's a small venue, but cozy. The tables were laid out around the edge of the room, leaving the centre for socializing. appies were laid out on the bar, of which I MUST mention the risotto ball. the size of a child's fist, a breaded ball with a dollop of herbed cream something-or-other on top. full of risotto. YUM. there were also loaves of crusty bread, a selection of bries and camemberts, grapes and apples.

The group of people Shawn and I ended up sitting with included a youngster named Jordan who went to Wellington. Not MY era - he graduated 2011. when I graduated,  he was a little kiddie in grade 5.
Tonight Shawn and I are going over to Sandi and Karl's for the gingerbread-making party. Sandi's a little crazy. very organized in comparison to me. Er - mind you, that's most people, if I'm to be honest.

Christmas is coming up so very fast! I have not a gift yet. not one. That is scheduled for next week when Shawn and I will finally get the same days off and be able to go to Parksville. I'm just NOT going to settle for what Tofino has to offer!  uh-uh.
Another thing that's unsettling me right now is that Mexico is also coming up super fast. I don't feel prepared for that. Oh boy.

crab caked 'fub

Today I woke up with that familiar knowledge that aunt flow had come to pay her dues. The last two nights have been full of vivid and intense dreams. and this morning, the FLOOD GATES OPENED. I hope a boy reads this and is suitably horrified. Anyway, as soon as I got up and started moving around, I got the crippling, only-thing-to-do-is-curl-up-in-a-fetal-ball cramps. the kind that makes you break out in a cold sweat and scrunch up your face. The kind that renders you unable to speak. I don't always get them that bad. It in fact has been a while since it's been so painful. Wish I knew what contributed, but it's probably a bunch of things. So, I gulped down some chocolate milk and aspirin, and waited for blessed relief. And blessed relief did come. It still feels blissful to have absence of pain down there.

It's my day off today, and I am rejoicing in the new-found use of the work truck. my boss has let me keep it for my weekend. I was afraid to ask - I…I never ask for things,  and it felt like a lot to ask! But dern it all, if I didn't just swallow my fear and ask anyway! Sometimes one must, in order for the door to be opened. I am learning this. It's why I asked for a raise, too. And …he said YES! both times! And if he hadn't, it wouldn't have been a big deal. So, what IS the big deal? ever? Jeez…I don't know!

I made crab cakes last night with habenero mango aioli. It was my first time, and they were delicious. Not hard to make at all! come see me and I'll make you crab cakes.

vengeance

Labee wanted posts, and posts she shall have. Fact is Marilla, now that I've started posting more I seem to have started some momentum. Fact is, I ain't never been to a ball. And this whole idea's got me skeered to death. 'sides, it's Christmas.

I have recently acquired anne of gg - the first one. the sequel is unavailable on the 'net. I hadn't watched it in years, and some parts just REALLY hit my funny bone. Like how inexplicably angry Anne gets when someone mentions the colour of her hair, she way she's like "how dare you….carrots?!?!" as if the person has wronged her beyond any repair. It's delightful. the way the actor says "carrots" at the key moments is priceless. Haven't belly-laughed like that in a loooong time. Also cried and cried. Had a thought that the novels I especially loved when I was younger really had a hand in shaping me…or perhaps I loved them so much because of how I related to the characters in them. Like Anne. She's a kindred spirit. I know L.M. Montgomery made her up, but the way she did so ended up being very important to me. 

Monday night is Shawn's staff party, which I am attending. It's going to be at The Spotted Bear Bistro - a restaurant Shawn and I have never eaten at. Supposed to be amazing. We've just never gone because we hardly ever feel like spending a fortune on one night of eating. But this staff party is going to be all completely payed for, including an open tab on drinks. It's only common sense, when one's meal is being payed for by a wealthy company, to get the most expensive thing on the menu. It's going to be FUN. I already know what I'm going to wear. My red urban outfitters dress, if you must know. I NEVER get to dress up, and I love dressing up. 

It's Christmas!! The town's decked out in lights, and with the icy clear, sunny weather we've been having, it's amazingly picturesque. The sunset I see from Trilogy is amazing. the snowy mountains are so sharply defined, against a pink sky, darkening islands and the cute little float home community of Strawberry Island - the water shimmers in different shades, ranging from silver to ultramarine blue. And I'm seeing it all from the perspective of the Trilogy marina, with the fishing boats and tugs all docked up, some with strings of Christmas lights decorating their masts. Then there's the seagulls perched and huddled on the mossy roof of the Marina West building besides the marina, the occasional eagle soaring by…honestly, I spend so much time looking out that window, no wonder I don't have much else to talk about. 

My next door neighbour has just given me an early Christmas. She is one of those people you never see wearing the same thing twice, and, well, she was emptying her closet. And I just happened to be one of the lucky people she chose to offer clothes to. I could hardly CARRY everything. It's a complete new wardrobe! She had this huge garbage bag full, and she just kept pulling out cute thing after cute thing, and I kind of zombie-like just kept accepting thing after thing. I mean, there were these boots….and it's funny, because I'd just seen a girl wearing boots just like them in town, and mentioned to fubman that I wanted them. And they, they just came to me! Law of attraction in action right thur! I gave her two pieces of salmon from my freezer. It felt like a humble offering in exchange for 100's of dollars worth of clothes…but it's what I had! Hmm…perhaps a package of smoked salmon or two will even it out a bit.

Two people came in ALL day today at work. One right at the start of the day, and one right before I closed. It was miserably cold. I had nothing to do, so bravely I decided to venture up into the attic to get the Christmas decorations my boss had told me were up there. The main reason it took courage to venture up there was the cold. As soon as I removed the cover, I was met with an icy blast. I gingerly climbed up (I hate ladders - the other reason it took courage), mindful of spiders. The Christmas decorations were supposed to be at the far left side. It took some digging, but eventually I spotted two promising-looking boxes wrapped in Christmas paper…on the top shelf…pushed to the back. Naturally, I couldn't reach. This next part of the story displays some shocking behaviour on my part. Perhaps brought on my my desperation to get out of the painful cold, I grabbed a metal object that I did not really look at. I used this metal object in a flailing manner to knock the Christmas boxes closer towards me. Well, I succeeded in moving the boxes closer to me…as well as a few other things that I hadn't been able to see up there, which rained down on my face. Also turned out that the metal object I was using was a long clamp, and I was only holding one of the levers. the other one, as I brought it towards me, swung down (just as everything else was raining down on my face) and thunked me right on my cheekbone below my left eye. For a while I was in a daze of pain. I…I may have swore. And stamped my foot. May as well make a clean slate of it. But when the pain subsided, I determinedly grabbed the boxes, got down the ladder as fast as I could, and replaced the cover on the attic. As soon as I replaced it, I felt warmer. And relieved that I'd accomplished my mission. Jeez, those boxes better have some good decorations, I thought to myself. I did.

I also checked out my eye in the mirror. There is a tiny purple bruise on my cheekbone. It's a shiner. I have a shiner. I insist on it. Do not argue.

Anyway, turns out the decorations were…kind of disappointing. The first one I opened just had…other boxes. I just kept pulling out identical, increasingly smaller boxes. The other one had some red ribbon, fake straw, and old christmas cards. But I put my creativity to work, and in the end was quite pleased with what I'd managed. I made a full-on Christmas display using the boxes, and cut a bunch of cedar fronds and stuff.

Anyway, it's the next morning now, and shawn's just left for work. He has this one 11 hour shift each week where he has to start at 7. It sucks. When he leaves in the morning, it feels like the sun's sucked out of the apartment like a vacuum. It's just usually our main time together, when we're both most alive and awake. Ah well. The purring lump of creamy orange fur that is currently sausaging out on our new couch is a comfort.

It was so cold today at work that for most of the day I huddled around the tiny portable plug-in heater. There is no heating in the building, and the heat from the portable one seemed to radiate out about a foot before completely disappearing into freezingness, and without doing anything to warm the whole room I was in. I wanted to engulf the heater. I wanted to envelope it completely. Anytime I had to tear myself away from it to do something was torturous….especially when I had to step into the freezer (it's a -40 degrees one). I would have taken the work truck home rather than walk through the icy world, except that I am afraid to. This is because the last time I drove it, the steering went all wonky, like it was getting stuck and being pulled, and it made me veer into the opposite lane of traffic (luckily on a quiet street with no on coming at the time). I think with my total ignorance of mechanics that it's that bar connecting the two front tires. anyway, that SUCKS because John told me I could use it when I needed to! And now….I don't think I will, thanks!
speaking of my boss, he's changed his plans and is now going to be gone for about 2 months! I'mma be running Trilogy on my OWN. and I got a raise!

Had a scare with the purring fluff ball. She was gone for a night and a day. At the end of the day I was beginning to despair - shawn and I were working,but he kept going home to check on her, and he'd called me right before I finished work saying that she wasn't back yet and her food was untouched. unheard of!! but when I got home from work - there she was! seemingly fine, only smelling of rat poo and, we discovered, she'd scraped her claws right down to the pad. I think she used up one of her nine lives. I can't tell you how RELIEVED I was! We'll never know what happened…I just hope she's smart enough to avoid it again.

I've suddenly reverted into an old lady that goes to bed at 8:30 and wakes up at 4:30-5.

a fubb world

Today at work it was like I was in my own little world ALL DAY, with hardly an interruption from the outside. I basically came in, had my tasks to do, which took the whole day, and then closed up. there were a few people that came in, but nothing to write home about. I like going down to the dock at the end of the day to put the crate of crabs back in the water and throw out the fish guts. Seagulls wheel around me for the scraps, and it's such a beautiful view. I like having the responsibility of handling things on my own.

I was putting all the display fish away, scooping out the clams into a bin, when suddenly I thought: clams. I want some. so I brought home a bag, along with some coconut milk. I'm going to cook them in coconut milk/lime/honey/garlic etc...some sort of yummy concoction. And have them with crusty bread.  And a salad.

I thought I'd lose my muscles this winter, but I am pleased to tell you (as I am sure you are pleased to hear) that due to my continuation of full-time work, I am still in possession of a solid bicep. Why is that the foremost thing on my mind to share? I should probably be concerned about that.

This morning I woke up when it was still dark out, so it took my eyes a bit to adjust when I turned on the living room light. Through my squinted eyes I began to decipher black dots...everywhere around my feet. As my eyes got used to the light, I saw that I was standing in a pile of feathers. Just delightful. Thank you, Eastre.

absentee

I have been absent since my neighbour moved back to Serbia, because his internet left with him. But recently 'fubman and I have jumped the gun and have gotten our own 'net again. I'm working full time unexpectedly, which helped with that decision. Internet here is expensive. We can't get it for less than $60/month!
I'm working full time because my manager quit. Now i'm the only employee.

Yesterday I had a day off and it was gloriously sunny and warm. I went for a sunset walk with Maike in the evening. We walked to the 4th street dock, out to the point that juts out into the sound and shared a beer and took pictures. She's so lovely. I've reflected recently on how so many people have come into my life recently, but she's the one I've wanted to keep there. I'm so picky about my friends, I never realized. I'm the one who's kept people away from me.

Today Maike and I have plans to go out and catch some crab for dinner if we can. There's a very friendly dude who Shawn and I got to know because he works at LA grocery - a place we often frequent because it's open until 11, and the the co-op grocery is only open until 8 - who I also saw all the time this past summer at trilogy, because he'd get free bait for crabbing. We give out fish scraps for free. One time we got to talking about crabs, and one way or another he ended up offering me the use of his crab trap, which is always hanging out at the docks by trilogy. So...today, Maike and I are going to take advantage of that offer! If we don't catch any dungeness, I have plans to buy some spot prawns from work and make an avocado salad topped with lime-chili-coconut-dusted pan fried prawns. So one way or another, today is going to be delicious!

It is sunny and fine and I've been inside all day...time to venture out!

This morning I got up early and cleaned up the apartment, which consisted of the dishes (not too bad), a good tidy-up of the living room (....pretty bad), and a good scrub down in the bathroom (one must never be afraid of using the loo). I finished up after half an hour, and then proceeded to bunch my unruly bush of hair into a pony-tail and straighten my bangs into submission. At 10:00 Sharon texted me. Fact is, I had been expecting her, and that is the motivation behind my early-morning cleaning mission. Fact is, today was her last day in town. I am more sad about this than she probably knows. I'll miss her. I was just getting to know her. I'll miss having someone across the street to hang out with whenever either of us is bored. I'll miss having someone to goof off with at work. I'll miss her zest and her spicy-ness (it was when she started randomly throwing halibut-juiced bags at me, or dead crab juice - which started many wars - that I was like: yeah, this chick is awesome. I like her).

Anyway, we had coffee and Darren came over, and we hung out until she had to go and I had to go to work. I gave her a crystal to take with her. it's small and can be kept in a pocket. A tiger eye. It's a protection stone. She left ME with this amazing red dress from Urban Outfitters, a battery-powered guitar, some books, and a lounge chair for the beach.

Yeah, Maike's leaving too. In exactly a month. I must not concentrate on being sad!

I mean, there's so many positives. and I'm going to keep in touch with them both. I promised Sharon a tofino care package complete with fish scales.

anyway, 'nuff about that. At work I've pretty much learned everything there is to learn, except for cutting halibut and snapper. I can cut tuna and salmon, and skin a fish, and I know how to brine 'em and smoke 'em. I'm left completely on my own these days. It's nice but lonely, after being used to such busy chaos filled with people in the summer. Oh Tofino!! How you challenge a person. I can't help but love it, though. Perhaps because it's such an ultimate challenge! It's making me...shaping me...I feel it.

 I want to make myself into some sort of gift for the world. I want what I do to grow naturally out of who I am. I'm ok that I haven't found it yet. Maybe I'm developing it right now. working at Trilogy was based on intuition - I felt somehow that was the place, and it's the only place I applied at, but I knew I'd get hired. I didn't know why it was the place. Ever since I moved here I've seen adds to work there every summer/fall, and thought about it, but I guess this summer was the right time. Everything always DOES happen with perfect timing. Exquisitely perfect. so anyways, who knows? I've met so many people, opened so many doors with this job.

I think it's important to have a "who knows, anything could happen" attitude. Keeps life spicy. Keeps you expecting something new and exciting!

I've written numerous drafts in the past 2 weeks, and obviously not one has been completed. So here I am. A trooper. Writing yet a new one.

Work was tremendously slow today, and we were finished by 8:15. Goodbye, overtime. But I rode my bike home in the sunset in a state of bliss. Because riding one's bike home after a shift of work when it's beautiful out, everyone knows, is a high point of life. The day's stresses are blown away with the wind rushing past your face. Actually the wind today didn't 'rush' so much as kiss. it kissed my face and stroked my hair and embraced my body as it flowed around me. It was darkening to dusk and there were many delicious smells. I got a whiff of freshly-cut pine, the ever-present salty sea, and that indescribable smell of green, fragrant, growing things after they've been in the sun all day. Since we've been wallowing in a wet, grey puddle since I got back from Cultus Lake, the sun and warmth today felt especially nice.

Now my patio door is open and I can hear Milos coughing next door and night birds singing through the trees. it's dark, and there are lights on inside, but the air coming in smells so good and feels so fresh that I am hazarding a bug invasion and leaving the door open. Yeah, we're sceen-less. Isn't a screen a luxury?

Man, it's been forever since I've been off work before Shawn. What to do with myself? This past rainy week has been a heavy reminder of what winter will entail. My heart fills with dread at the thought of such boredom. Of course, I'll be working, and there is Mexico in January!!! Mexico Mexico Mexico!!! THANK YOU MEXICO!
As you can see, Mexico is the light at the end of my tunnel.

I've also been thinking up ways to keep myself busy. Like taking up knitting again and doing it with friends. I'll be working on the statue sketches and paintings all winter, too.

Oh, and there IS this ONE thing, I guess....Shawn and I and our friend that we're driving to Mexico with...decided while we were talking of Mexico plans....that we are all going to get our diving certs together! THIS FALL!! I am going to LEARN HOW TO DIVE!!!!

 Lookout murky depths, here comes 'fub.

fragrant and fresh

Well, I suppose all this work is starting to take it's toll. In the form of me hurting myself, mainly. The flailing 'fub of danger.

Shawn had to work at 6am this morning, and I didn't get off work last night until 11:30 (2 and a half hours of over-time!!!woo!!) - an early day, though, compared to that 2am shift...but I slept right through his waking up and leaving. I woke with a start at 7:30 and felt the emptyness beside me at once. When one is accustomed to waking up enveloped in warm arms and snuggled against a furry, pillowy chest, this is extremely unsatisfying. I got up, bleary-eyed, and fed Eastre some fresh salmon. Then I went back to bed and tried to sleep, because I knew I needed it. Soon a full and happy Eastre joined me, nudging her soft little head under the covers and curling up against my belly, purring loudly. I think that's what helped me finally relax and drift off again.

when I woke up again, still cuddling with a purring cat, it was 10. My stomach was grumbling, so I sautéed some onions in butter and proceeded to make some scrambled eggs, with a sprinkling of freshly diced tomato and the rest of the cold smoked salmon trim I'd saved and vacuum-packed at work while slicing the cold smoke (Britt told me I could keep it). It was sooo good. I toasted half a bun and ate it with that. Then I made myself some coffee.

I've realized that without a challenge, thrive I do not. I wilt. That is why this job has been so great for me. It's constantly challenging me, and I am loving the feeling of expansion. Being challenged brings out the best in me. I suppose that's true of most people. I realized that I even love the confusing challenge of learning how to get along with different kinds of people. Even if I am often naive and embarrassingly open, I'd rather be out there in the middle of it all than hiding outside of it all. These exciting dynamics bring new vigour and life and satisfaction. Falls and pains, too, but it's worth it.

eat a fish

I've got my second cup of decaf beside me. I didn't mean to buy decaf coffee, but I did, so now decaf is my wake-up companion. It tastes watery in comparison to the robustness I'm used to, but it's still a friend.

Fog has settled in, and will likely stay for the month of Fogust. We are enveloped in a misty, wooly blanket that blots out the sun and curls my frizz into tiny corkscrew curls. It's a time of echoing raven calls and stillness.

Lucille has been freed from the storage room. In case you forgot, Lucille is my pink bike. It's good to have her back. She is now my trusty work steed again.

I only had the one day off this week, but I get two off next week. I can't wait. Me and Maike are planning a beach fire for one of those days. She wants to invite the guy she's been crushing on. Love is going to blossom. Sparks will fly. Fish will be eaten.

madhouse

Yesterday I walked into complete madness at work. There was a random lady, who I found out was the wife of one of the fisherman, attempting to man the front, totally untrained - it was that kind of day. also the day when we ran out of our most used bags. We had to use the tiny hot smoke bags for our fish. we ran out of those, too, at the end of the shift - which just happened to be 2am, that's a 12 hour shift - when we were half-way done the last tote of fish. There was so much chaos, so many demands, and it seemed like we weren't equipped AT ALL for any of it. for most of the day I longed for the freedom to just walk out of that mess. Anyway, it'll probably be the same today...but at least I'm prepared! And I'm getting payed a LOT of over-time. I just gotta remember Mexico...Mexico....sunny, warm, relaxing Mexico.

A side bonus, this job is the BEST work out job ever. I burn so many calories at work that I can eat anything and it makes no difference. I've slimmed right down! And my arms and shoulders have bulked right up! A silver-lining. All us women that work there are getting pretty strong. I like that it's mostly girls there. We're just, well.... the best. at almost everything. what? it's true!

I have been burned...or have I?!

I think the universe has been teaching me a valuable lesson. You see, the last time I worked, I ended up working for 11 and a half hours, because we just didn't have enough people scheduled. I was working with a new employee...well, he'd worked there two summers ago, but it was his first day back. And he LEFT ME. with almost ALL the cleaning to do. I could not believe it. He just - snuck out! I called my boss, who was just as surprised...and thankfully that guy is no longer working for Trilogy. I'm especially thankful because of what happened today, which is what I was referring to in saying the Universe is teaching me a lesson...

so, I saw him today at work, twice. He works as a dock boy for a company that often brings us fish to process, so he's coming by with loads of fish a lot. The first time he apologized. But then he came back, and totally took it all back, saying that it was justified because he'd SAID he was leaving at 11 to drive his friend home, etc, so I should have known, and also that because I took one 5 minute break to gulp down some pizza...the ONE BREAK I TOOK IN A 12 HOUR SHIFT...that he had done his share of the clean-up. because I took a break and he didn't. which, he did, actually, but I didn't waste time arguing with him. Actually, I was speechless. I raised my eyebrows at him and said, "Ok, anyways..." and got him to tell me what was going on with the fish he'd just brought, and went back inside. Then the comebacks came into my head and I was fuming. I HATED that I hadn't had the head to shoot him down in the moment, because what he said was so ridiculous. I mean, HE was the one who was fired...whereas I got thanked for that night, so can he seriously think...?

anyway, not going to get too involved in THAT line of thinking. Because what I was saying about that lesson! I realized that I could feel burned by the whole thing, or not. It was a choice. I didn't do anything to feel badly about that night, so why should I be upset? This little boy...he's only 18...obviously was feeling the pain of  a sore ego. his uncomfortableness has nothing to do with me. it's his own battle. he was trying to feel better. I don't even have to take part. so maybe it's good I just totally ignored all of that and didn't take any bait. After all, it was MY ego that was upset over it also. The me underneath the ego couldn't care less.

But...after saying all that...I mean, it was still hard not to be upset. I'd just start thinking about it while I was busy. I was upset I hadn't been able to stand up for myself. So I vented to my co-workers. And Brit told John. And their reactions were so satisfactorily shocked as well that I was appeased. I am not perfect. Oh no. I have high ideals, though!

I learned how to make salmon smokies today!

Mondee

It's my Monday today. I've had two luxurious days off. They were WONDERFUL. The sun was shining and hot, the breeze was perfect, the trees waving and rustling lazily. My first day off I went to the beach with Maike and Celine and we lay out on a blanket in a sunny corner and ate watermelon and blueberries. I provided a knife for the watermelon. They were impressed I had a knife in my purse. Truth is, since fubman has started working at method, he has indulged in a bit of a knife addiction. Not only did he buy a rainbow-coloured array of throwing knifes, but also a machete, a practical rope-cutting knife for himself, and a little one for me. When I got back from the beach, I got some Gary's kitchen (chinese), and fell asleep for 3 glorious hours. I woke up as fubman came in the door, home from work, at 9:30. That night I slept for 11 hours. I still sigh with satisfaction, thinking of it.

YESTERDAY, was the best day. Shawn and I picked up Maike, and we all went to long beach to surf. Maike's a beginner like me, and we stayed together in the whitewash while Shawn paddled out to the deeper surf. It was the most fun, the best time I've EVER had trying to surf. My fear was gone - it was so sunny and sparkly, the water was so clear, you could always see the sandy bottom. I was trying out Shawn's big red long board for the first time. It was twice my size, but light and easy to turn. It caught every single wave I paddled for. I stood up for a few seconds...TWICE! I rode many a wave in a crouch, or on my stomach. It was SO MUCH FUN! I don't know what happened to my fear or resistance...they were just gone! After our surf, we separated to have showers, than Maike and I walked to the grocery store to buy some things for dinner. We'd already gone to Trilogy and gotten some seafood - some clams, some crabs, and some salmon smokies. Then we made dinner together. It was chaotic, because Shawn invited Maike to use our kitchen as well, and there just wasn't enough room! so the clams were cold by the time we ate. but delicious. I steamed them in butter and lime juice and garlic and ginger and a dash of beer. When they were finished, I added some cream to the sauce, reduced it down, and poured it over top...oh yeah, and some fresh chopped cilantro. The crabs we just boiled and dipped in butter-garlic-lime sauce. Shawn pan fried the salmon smokies and cut them up, instead of having them in ciabatta buns, but they were delicious. Maike made the most delicious potato salad and warm spinach-feta dish, and we also invited Darren over, who made a 'lish green salad with avocado and cilantro. Mmm. It was good eats. Afterwards, Darren and Maike stayed to watch some of Cloud Atlast, but we all started falling asleep, so we parted ways not long after the movie started. It was a good day.

hard workn'

Yesterday I worked for 10 and a half hours. I started at 2, and didn't finish with my co-worker Mat until half past midnight. At around 10pm, when it was obvious we wouldn't get out until 12, I was on the edge of a melt down. It was just the fact that I hadn't eaten, or even managed to drink water. It felt like there was such an enormous load of work dumped on me and Mat. I didn't manage to drink water because there wasn't time to stop moving!!

and...it was only my monday. And I got called in on my day off, so I only got one day off. And I may have to work 6 days again this week. AND I ONLY GET PAYED $13/HR!!!
ai-ai-ai...

'nother day

I'm freshly back from work. It was a short day today - baggn' fish and vacuum-packing. I work mostly in the back now and I like it sooo much better. It's so simple and I don't have to deal with any interruptions, it's got a much more laid-back feel.

when I went camping I acquired what I thought was a black fly bite, because it had a spot of blood in the middle and had formed a huge welt. My friend told me to put cut onion on it, and I did so...which made it get all hard and concentrated, into TWO separate bumps, side by side. looking at it closer, I discovered that I must have been bitten by a HUGE spider. I just...I just had to share the horror!!

Canada

I wrote a whole lovely post and...and it was deleted!! I know many others of you have felt this pain.

I wanted to write of Canada day, because it was a day of perfection for me. Brit gave it to me off, purposefully (I love my job!!) and I spent it luxuriously. Shawn was working, so I went shopping in the first part of the day, and spent the middle part with my awesome neighbours. Milos was in this kitchen with a pile of wood shavings around him, working on his hummingbird box. Maike had just come back from a surf (she's a beginner like me...and we're going to go out together!). We were going to go into town and join all the hubbub in the village green, and I was going to meet up with Shawn when he got off work, but we took so long visiting at home that by the time we got into town, Shawn was already off work. I was obliged to be whisked away from my friends, out on a boat into the sound, where we rafted up to about 10 other boats by the Deadman Islands. It was foggy, and it felt so strange to watch Tofino slide away across the water - that hunk of land I'm usually locked to. There's freedom on the water, but there's isolation too. The fireworks were beautiful in the fog over the sound. There was a very festive air amongst the rafted boats.

I started writing this post on Canada day, and wanted to wax all poetical about the land that's always embraced me in freedom and loveliness and strength...but now so many other things have happened too!

For example, Shawn and I went camping last night. We bounced and jerked around in circles on a network of pot-holey gravelled road before finally finding the right road (one that we'd, incidentally, STARTED going down many times...) that took us down to the beach. On the way we saw two bears. One as we were crossing a high bridge over a shallow, sparkling river. I spotted a young one with huge ears, sitting in the long grass at the river's side and munching on something contentedly. Then, just down the road, a large sleek one was seen ambling into the thick brush at the side of the road. Anyway, the beach!
 It's named Gravel Bar, an extremely unromantic name for such a spectacular beach. There's no gravel...I think it was named that by surfers who are referring to the long spit of large, smooth, rounded rocks that creates a wave.
Anyway, it was so peaceful there, and there were so many eagles. Walking along the beach to find kindling and firewood, I suddenly noted that the only footprints on the beach were mine, and some tiny paw prints that presumably came from a river otter. Darren came and joined us and ended up staying and sleeping in his truck. The water was calm and bright blue, and there was a slight breeze rippling the surface of it. Tall, sun-drenched trees bordered the beach...and a medley of misty golden islands stood out amongst the calm blue ocean...and finally, the backdrop of distant mountain slopes set against the sky, the sky which quickly became pale blue streaked with violet and peach as the sun sank.

We pan fried some fresh salmon in butter on the coleman and had salmon buns for dinner. the salmon, which had been caught that day, was AMAZING. we all had two buns. Shawn hooked his portable speaker into his mp3 player and we listened to good tunes. I was full of happiness. We also saw another bear, as we were cooking dinner. It was ambling good-naturedly down the spit that borders the far edge of the beach, probably looking for shellfish. Shawn chased it away with a bear banger... watching him do it, I really got the impression of one animal marking his territory to another! hah!

It was an INCREDIBLY uncomfortable sleep...and I don't really know how I managed to sleep at all. That was the one downfall. But I woke up to a chorus of birds, mixed with happy eagle chirping, such as I'd never before heard. And when I got up, probably at around 5:30, the tide was out all the way, and the colours of the exposed beach had me in awe. the most alive of bright greens, scarlet reds, dusky purples. it was foggy and peaceful and intensely alive.

Mysterious Coincidences/I come across a project

Let me start this at the beginning. About a year and a half ago, in the dreary months right before spring, I had just finished reading a book all about mysterious coincidences. It was a spiritual adventure book - AWESOME, in case you were wondering. One of the things it said was that when you make direct eye contact with a person, like - when you both look directly into each other's eyes at the exact same moment, especially if it happens more than once, there's something you two have to say to each other. something you mutually have to give. After I read that, that very day, I went out into the world determined to see if this was so. We went to Wildside, and in the gravel parkinglot, I immediately looked right into the eyes of this man I'd never seen before. A little while later, it happened again. And then again for a 3rd time. Each time I'd be totally spacing out, and then just happen to look, and it'd happen. I noticed because I was looking for it, but this guy was some stranger, and I couldn't imagine there was anything I'd have to offer this random older person. so I kind of let the whole thing go, and forgot about it.

A month later, Shawn and I moved into our new apartment. And guess who's our next door neighbour? Yeah, you guessed it - it's that man I made eye contact with 3 times in the parking lot at wild side. When I found that out, it reminded me of the eye contact thing, and I wondered about it. It's always been tickling at the back of my mind. And it's been growing - I've been feeling restless about it, even. Like, somehow, I KNEW there was a reason he's our neighbour. And I knew we had to talk. But it hadn't happened yet. He chatted with Shawn, but was shy of me or something.

Anyway, fast forward to the past month or two. Like I said, we've been becoming friends with our neighbours. There's the eye-contact guy, and his roommate, a really sweet girl from Germany who I hit it off with right away (as an aside I just found out that she's an Aries sun, Cancer moon, just like me!! ). Many nights that would have been lonely in the past are now spent visiting with them. Last night was one of those nights. eye-contact man is annoying to write. his name is Milos. he made us dinner the other night, so last night I went over to return his dishes, and ended up staying and spending the entire evening with Milos and his roommate, Maike (pronounced "Mika") until late at night. Shawn came and joined us after his surf and a few other people dropped by later. But the point is, Milos told me all about this beautiful project he has in mind. A dream of his. He's learning to carve wood, so far he's only carved smaller things (but they're amazing - a soft, smooth-as-silk rounded box with a hummingbird shaped on the top, a wavy bowl made from a beryl with a flowy sun shaped in the middle, a firestone gleaming from the centre of the sun. for example) but with this idea, he's partnering up with a Native carver. It's a statue, and he got the idea from the statue of liberty. I won't write about it, because this is public and it's his idea, but I got goosebumps when he told me of it. I was moved. So then, he told me, he's had this idea for 2 years, and this carver who's going to do it with him is wanting to order the block of wood for it, but he needs a drawing of the idea. and he's never been able to find someone who'll do it, or who could do it good enough.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'LL DO IT!

I said I'd do it and he was beyond thrilled. He asked to see some of my drawings, and I apprehensively brought out one of my old sketchbooks and a few dusty paintings, and his reaction was to be even MORE thrilled. When this happened I immediately thought of the eye-contact thing. I feel like, this is the reason!! this is the reason why I FELT that!! All of a sudden I'm involved in this amazing, powerful project! It's got me motivated, inspired, excited. and I'm helping someone out, too! And in the process I met Maike, who I adore already. We're going to have an art night this week and learn how to make dream catchers.

And that is probably a good point to end this post!

cuppa

Last night our Serbian neighbour made us a special ethnic dish called Sarma, made with sour cabbage and some sort of flavourful meat mixture. it was delicious. We sat out on their patio and visited until midnight. He had some people over from his work, and more people kept dropping by. There was a little blonde girl who you could tell was new in town. It's funny how you can tell. People that have just moved here are like, high on something. It was like me when I moved here, which is why I recognize it. They're all pumped up and full of excitement, and this kind of open sociality. They're kind of like giant bubbles that you'd really like to pop. (haha. jk) It's also the summer energy. Tofino suddenly becomes rife with social opportunities. The most fun things - beach fires and parties, spontaneous meetings with awesome and interesting people, sushi on the patio overlooking the Sound, camping, boating, surfing, hiking, fishing, live music. I love Tofino in the summer. Our neighbour plays the guitar outside most nights now that it's nice, and one of our other neighbours, a cheerful plump grizzly-bearded bandana-wearing bike-riding man, sings with him. He's got a voice like Tom Waits. It's seriously awesome to hear - like a free Taj Mahal concert. Now is also the time you're most likely to hear bits and pieces of music floating on the air wherever you go. That's a happiness of mine. Hearing stolen bits of music.

I work today at 2. I found out yesterday as I was walking home from work in the rain, that my co-worker, who moved here from Scotland, is living in a van! I encountered her as she was returning from having a shower at some public washroom. it was such a miserable day, I couldn't imagine going back to a VAN. so today I'm thinking of inviting her over after work for a shower and a cup of tea!

I don't even know where to start. Life's been busy and social around here. We're becoming friends with our neighbours.
Shawn's parents were just up for a few days.
 Shawn bought a fishing rod. We've been fishing off the rocks almost every night since. The other day he got an opportunity to go with a work friend and take his dad, out on a boat, and he caught 2 20 pound chinook salmon, some snapper, and a rock cod. mind you, I don't know the diff between snapper and rock cod...because snapper IS rock cod. but that's besides the point. He even went and got it processed at Trilogy! it was neat to go to work today and see all that fish neatly cut and vacuum packed with my name on it. We have fish for months. And aside from that, we're consistently getting pounds - POUNDS, mind - of freshly caught coonstripe shrimp and spotted prawns. And I keep getting free goodies such as freshly caught halibut, and homemade salmon smokies, from work. The other night we had a big dinner with Shawn's parents and two of our friends and had a seafood feast. France and I made it together. I did all the seafood - she would not let me be influenced by her. :)
Right now, it's raining and dark out, and Shawn is out surfing. Or rather, probably returning from his surf at this point. I'm tired from work. There's always so much work to do that even when I DO have time to have lunch, I feel dizzy and starved and often light-headed after work. Just as a random aside, this afternoon at work I noticed a dead crab in the tank, so I took it out to steam it as per custom, but when I broke it's back and the fluids ran out, the SMELL -! I ran outside dry-heaving, and had to collect myself for a minute or two before going back, gingerly putting it in a bowl, and running out to the end of the dock where I tossed it out to sea. Back in the shop, it was necessary to open all the windows in order to clear the air. Hoo boy.

That is a brief version of recent events. I'm quite frankly too tired to do much better.

It's one of those days you wake up and take a peek outside and the sky is just SO BLUE - it's almost an aggressive blue. Like - it's no background blue, you know what I mean?

I had a really good sleep last night. I went to bed early. In Parksville we went mountain biking two days in a row and it REALLY took it out of me. It was so much fun though. It was so evident that something had relaxed inside me since the last time I'd gone, which was over a year ago. I even triumphed over that same hill I mentioned, the second day. sharp bend and all! -yay!

Work is good. I have full-time hours this week at least. So far, we've just been working the schedule out amongst us, and there's been no need to write a schedule down...so I don't know if it's a steady thing or not! Probably. it's been busy.

Crabs are cute little guys. I send them love before I kill them. I take a deep breath to calm myself (it calms them too, they go limp) and then send them loving feelings and then tell them it will be quick and they won't feel a thing. what? I have to do SOMETHING. crabs I do this with seem to not struggle as much but I haven't done enough that way to be sure. It could just be fanciful thinking. wishful, even.
But it IS evident that they feel my vibes.

Yesterday was very strange. I couldn't help but notice at the end of the day that almost every single person - not kidding - that came in, left me a tip. Why?! this has never happened before! I mean it was so regular that it seemed like it was planned. I wonder. In any case - woohoo tip money!

Yesterday in the cooling sun of evening Shawn and I rode our mountain bikes to top ridge and spent 2 hours winding our way through the trails. I had many thrilling break-through moments where I'd (for example) ride right up and over a log that had every other time caused me to dismount and walk over. There was also this hill that I always stop at because right at the top there's quite a large root that causes a step - a drop - down to the steepest part of the hill - and right after THAT there's a rock shelf with another foot or two drop down, and right after THAT the trail bends sharply. the two drops I can handle psychologically from experience, knowing that my bike will do all the work for me and it will actually be quite smooth - it's the sharp bend at the bottom, when I know I'll be going really fast. It's always the sharp bend at the bottom!

anyway, I did it, after a few false starts, but instead of taking the sharp bend I instead skidded to a stop straight into a leafy salal bush. But still it was victorious! and not all sharp bends got me this time. I was practicing looking where I wanted to go, instead of at where I didn't want to go. makes alll the difference.

huffing and puffing with the inevitable red face and sweaty bangs, through the quiet forest, was a lot of fun. After we'd had our fill of riding, we made our way to the river, a part where it was shallow, streaming over large, round, colourful rocks. I stripped to my bathing suit and waded up to my knees. No more, because riding home wet would've been miserable.

Shawn basked at the river's edge in the sunlight. It was beautiful there. I wish there was such an accessible river in Tofino.

so yeah, we're in p-ville right now. it's another sunny day. Shawn's parents have left for work. I'm in the kitchen where I have the computer set up on the table. beside me the sliding glass door is open to the back porch, which is all leafy and whispery and dappled in sun. Birdsong is shimmering in the background. I spy a tall purple foxglove spike under the plum tree. Feels like summer!

The Branch of Fate

Last night at around 10:30, Shawn and I were shocked out of our skins when a sudden loud BOOM-BANG shook the side of our apartment. Eastre, with eyes so wide she looked like a kitten again, came bolting out of the bedroom, and then slunk somewhere and completely disappeared for about half an hour. The first thing I thought was...earthquake? but a quick glance outside showed that a tree had actually fallen against the apartment, and had landed right in front of our window, narrowly missing crashing right through it. Or at least it looked like a tree - a cedar tree. But this morning when I looked outside, I saw that what had in fact happened is a strip of a large cedar had separated from the main trunk - what had looked like a tree was actually a huge branch. Anyway, excitement!

It's POURING outside. Same as yesterday...

I've been hermitting inside. Yesterday my cabin fever reached a boiling point and then I deflated, like a balloon. The highlight of my day was when I did t-tapp! Positivity, though! Since every single thought we have, has an influence on our lives, I was making a real effort to stay positive - and it was a pleasant enough evening when Shawn came home. He's a warm sun of comfort.

Next time I go to work I will tell them of my predicament when it comes to hours, and inform them that I'll have to get a second job if I don't get more soon. They won't want that! Simple fact is though, that I can't go on much longer with only two shifts a week. I know they can give me more. KNOW.

Dock Festival

I am undeniably fish-smelling right now. Today instead of working the store, I got to help out at Dock Fest down on the 4th street dock. Which meant I got to stand at a booth, handing out candied salmon nuggets and selling packages of smoked salmon. I was at a booth with this First Nations Fisheries which I cannot spell - Twaa-qi-aht or someut. Everytime someone got some salmon I'd give them the speal of how the First nations catch the fish and we smoke it. It was crazy - people were eating the nuggets faster than I could put them out. Right beside me there was a booth for The Spotted Bear restaurant and they were handing out samples of grilled octopus. DELICIOUS. About half-way through I was allowed to go out and try the samples and see what was going on. It was muggy and warm, with the sun playing hide and seek with the clouds all afternoon. It was fun. Only I couldn't find the booth with the shellfish soup that smelt so delicious that I saw everyone walking around with. But then, at the very end, a random boy with a chef's uniform on came up and gave me one of my very own! It had a stick of fresh bread sticking out of it. Clams. There was cilantro in the broth. soooo good. I ate it as I walked down the street to Method Marine where Shawn was working (he had the apartment keys. A dog literally ate his keys). Altogether, a 3 hour shift. Now I'm home and I don't work again until Friday.

To be confident one must give oneself confidence. As I've been realizing this more and more, it's become quite a comfort. After all, it's so true. No one else can validate you - not truly. you must validate yourself. But that's all you need to do to feel good. And you don't need anyone else to do it before you do. All you need is you! That's the comforting part. The reassuring part. I've been giving myself much more validation, but it's a work in progress. Life is more fun that way because you can be any way you want - and as long as you are comfortable with you, people will tend to relax around you also. I think I've got a lot of potential to put people at ease, but first I must work out this knot that's developed in my midsection. It's all wound up tight from worrying what other people think. I've been discarding it more and more lately. It feels a tiny bit reckless, like I'm letting go of a foothold.

I'll leave this post with my new mantra. I love repeating it to myself whenever I think of it. It's a thought of Rumi's.

"Make me sweet again. fragrant and fresh and wild. and thankful for any small event."

I find that this day has been quite philosophical.

For example: I've always gotten by with putting in the least amount of effort needed for the job. It's clear to me (and has always been clear to the teachers I grew up with) that what I really need - what will take me places - is discipline. But it's like cleaning your room. You know it's what you really want - that it will be fulfilling and you'll be happier - but you (well, me anyway) keep putting it off and putting it off until you finally reach that point where you must make the decision because you can't keep living the same way you have been. My entire life has been leading up to finally having the strength to make the decision to discipline myself. My entire life has been shaped by my various stages of acceptance and denial towards this fact. I know in a way that leaves no room for doubt that discipline used wisely will take me as far as I can ever imagine. The only problem is that it conflicts with my carefree desire to be happy in the moment. Discipline requires moments of sacrifice, with the understanding that whatever momentary sacrifices you're making will be more than worth it once you accomplish whatever it is you're using discipline for. Such as sacrificing a moment of relaxation in a dirty house by cleaning it, so that you can then relax in a CLEAN one, which we all know is much more rewarding.

This is Professor Amy lecturing Student Amy. You all are just along for the ride.

the tasty bite addiction

There are packets of heat-up vegetarian curry that rejoice under the brand of Tasty Bite. There are many brands and varieties of said curry packets, but Tasty Bite is all we've got here. They sell them for $4 a pop at the health food store, Green Soul. And as you've probably guessed, I'm a little bit addicted. Yesterday I had Tasty Bite for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I learned how to make mango chutney so that my eating of Tasty Bite could be complete. And let me tell you: with my mango chutney, it is.

Tribute to the power of love

April 30th marked my 3 year anniversary of up and moving to Tofino, and of falling wildly in love with one Shawn Mclean. Those of you who know him might smile a little at him being the object of such passionate feelings. I'm just saying he may often come across as goofy and friendly and a little spacey - which isn't super romantic-sounding...but is only an aspect of who he is, of course. There's a side of him that belongs to me, and me alone. Nobody else ever sees it. No one else HAS ever seen it. It's been that way since we first met. I got teased and given a hard time for liking him by some back then, who didn't think he was worthy of me. I kind of knew what they meant (not that I thought he wasn't good enough for me)...he was too young, he was awkward, blah blah blah. Back then I never knew why I did like him so much, it was just one of those inexplicable attractions. It was later I noted the few notable differences from other crushes. One, I recognized his face. Two, it wasn't that I found him physically attractive exactly...(he wasn't that cute back then. he had almost no chin and a head too big for his body)...it was him shining through his physical body that made him - has always made him, and always will make him - so attractive to me. THAT'S what I recognized. I knew his face, but at the same time I knew I'd never really seen that face before. It was what was beyond the face I knew. Three, no matter how much or how little we talked, the attraction only grew with time, until, by the time I was 24 and struggling with decisions, it was at such a crazy frenzy that thinking about him would keep me up literally all night. I always knew (hoped...knew!) I'd be with him eventually. It was just a matter of our stars lining up.

I used to look into Andreas' eyes and be a little frightened when I saw what was staring at me through them. But when I look into Shawn's eyes I feel the ease and familiarity of someone who's been my family for all of time. It's no wonder I gravitate to his side. I love to be there. I feel so loved and treasured there, so boundlessly free to express myself and my joy with abandon. He LOVES my joyful expressions. Our love is the same love. It's a part of our existence, and when we live there without fear we become so beautiful together. A God and a Goddess dancing our intertwining love-dance, effortlessly remembering steps echoing to us like faint, well-known music from the depths of eternity. And shining so far into the universe...to the furthest ends. Love is unlimited like that.

I've had a camera now for so long I often forget about it. But one time I ALWAYS think to use it is when I come upon Shawn and Eastre cuddling together in bed. She always cuddles with him after she eats her breakfast. I'm up obviously, having been the one bullied into waking up and feeding her. And sometimes i'll go into the bedroom to get something and see something so precious I just have to take a picture. Eastre curled up into Shawn's chest, her paw hugging his outstretched arm, her head resting on said arm. Shawn curved up around her on his side. Fast asleep. The sound of deep purrs and peaceful breathing. There's something about those moments I treasure that makes me want to capture them. And Shawn when he's asleep is beautiful. His face and mouth are so sensitively shaped. It's obvious the tenor of the soul that shaped them.

He's often told me of symbolic dreams he's had of me, both before and after we met. one of them touched me deeply because it - well, I'll just tell you. It was dark in his dream - he was on a path deep in the woods, and it felt dangerous and scary, and he didn't know where he was. Then he saw a light coming up, a circle of light, getting brighter and illuminating everything around it. When it got close enough he saw it was a bicycle light, with me riding the bicycle, and he felt comforted and safe. In another similar dream, he was looking for me on a boat out at sea, in the middle of the night again. He looked everywhere, panicked, and finally saw a lighthouse beam, and knew I'd be at the source of that light. so he found me finally, and there was a cozy fire by the lighthouse and the dream changed into something really good-feeling and comforting. Those dreams touched me because I realized the power I had to love. I can't put it any other way, even though that doesn't seem to capture the hugeness of the realization. If only words could truly mirror what's inside us!! No expression would ever be cheap - it would be impossible. True expression is incorruptible...and can pierce through a heart of stone. Such as music. A language we share with birds and wind and water...with pebbles clattering out their natural rhythm as they tumble down a mountainside, with rain finding it's voices on the various textures of roof and grass and rock, with the tiny hum caused by an insect's wings, the clap of intensity when a blinding finger of lighting finds purchase with the earth. How I love to play with words though.

Dreaming of Cahors

I walked to the Coop this morning in flip flops and my winter jacket. There was a fine, chilly drizzle and my feet were soon numb. Why? Well, I suppose I was stubbornly hoping it was still going to be warm enough for flip flops, even though for the past week it's grown chilly and wet. Anyway, at the Coop I bought two artichokes, a pound of butter, a red onion, a wedge of parmesan, and a carton of eggs. Shawn and I are going to have artichokes with hollandaise, roasted asparagus and tomatoes and a ceasar salad tonight for dinner. Lots of greens. The past two nights I made hamburger gravy and had it over rice with a fried egg, loco-moco style. I heard from Soobin' that two days eating meat a week is for most people an optimal amount. 

I'm excited about the artichokes. Last time I had them was when I was staying on a barge in France. Perhaps my spontaneous decision to have them for dinner tonight is due to how much I've been thinking of that France trip lately. It's the story I'm working on that's responsible, because it's starting out with a group trip experience in France. I chose places I've been, because I feel to write a good story about a place, you need to have experienced it yourself. In researching for my story, I found out that Cahors, the Medieval city I spent one short day in, is a very interesting, old city that used to be a major place in Medieval times, with a large University (which was lost in the 18th century). It also has a very Mediterranean feel, due to it's closeness to the coast. I also discovered that the huge, outdoor market, which I was entranced by, was in what's called the Medieval Quarters. Anyway, the research I did made me want to back there SO badly. I remember that day we were there I wished we could stay - but we were only there so I could go to the hospital and get my eye fixed. It had some weird infection that was really painful - felt like there was something in my eye all the time, but there wasn't. I'd been to pharmacies and nothing had helped, but at the hospital they finally gave me something that got rid of it. And they were so, SO nice there. 

What I miss most about my stay in France are the long walks. The last place I stayed in, Saint Cirq Lapopie, had a quiet walk along the river, where we came upon a huge old stone estate right on the water, with a huge water courtyard for boats. The thing I remember most is how peaceful it felt there. That's why I want to go back. It was so beautiful, warm, and peaceful - and so were the people. I was so happy just being there. The second thing I miss is waking up early and walking to the invariable bakery for freshly baked goods. The third thing is the outdoor markets and the exciting things you'd find there and eat for dinner. Fourth: cheese. 'nuff said. Overall, what I miss most about traveling is the freedom and sense of adventure that permeates every day. I'd have to travel a LOT to get tired of that. 

Last night I had a nightmare that I was called into work and couldn't think of a good excuse quick enough to say no. Phewph! 

Today was definitely a day of crab at work. Emptying a bin just freshly pulled from the sea is something I've had to get better at quickly. It's much more of an anxious task than pulling them from the tank, because they are all squished bum-to-pincer, and usually all facing pincer up at me. But I can't dawdle over it - gotta get it done! So I'm always having to take this huge bin and turn it on it's side and shake it around, and then the whole thing is alive and moving in one big bunch of legs and pincers.

The fun part about crab is how impressed people get. Today some ladies got 6, and as I was breaking their backs, one with an english accent said, "I bet your boyfriend doesn't cheek you around!"  - which I found funny and also slightly muddled me because, being able to kill crab doesn't actually make you a hard core person. But people treat you as if it does! So why not, right? yeah! I'm hard core!! don't mess with ME. ( At least if you are a crab. )

Enough about work already, right? Yeah, that's it anyway. It was a good day today.  A day of hard work, but I'm definitely getting more of a feel for what my job entails overall and I'm much better at multitasking. And now I have 5 days off before I work again, unless I get called in. A lake of time!

Scaleitis

As I was uselessly trying to scrub my arms clean today after bagging 100's of pieces of fish, Brit came upon me.
"are you ok?" she asked with concern, probably noting the look on my face. In answer I looked up at her and asked,
"do you ever feel like you're growing scales?" A look of understanding flitted across her expression, and she quickly moved back to her chores.
"all the time," she said.

It's just that...the cumulative effect of bagging that much fish is rather alarming on the skin. It DOES look exactly like you've grown scales as part of your skin (because they are see-through, they become flesh-coloured) - and after awhile it looks like your skin is flaking off. Add that with the fish blood that mixes in with it all - and it definitely looks like i have some horrific skin disease. Oh yeah, and it's itchy.

My main job's challenge has changed again. Now it's to be fast in everything I do, while multitasking and prioritizing. there is literally one thing after another until it's time to leave, and usually there's still a ton left to do. I've never gotten out on time. And today, thanks to all the fish-bagging, I can't deny that there is a pungent odour hanging around me. In fact as I was walking home today, I tasted fish in my mouth! yes, as if the salmon oil had somehow gotten THERE, too.

Even when I don't smell fish, Shawn does. He's always sniffing delicately around the house saying he smells something fishy. And there I am, sitting in freshly laundered clothes from top to bottom, just out of the shower, and there is nothing I've worn at work even remotely around. How - ?

shape it up

I'm done my first week of training at Trilogy now. I've gotten over my crab fear. In fact...it's kind of fun how impressed people get when I catch, kill and clean them. Yesterday, some people tipped me for it! My trainer talks a million miles a minute, and it's been incorporated into my job's challenges: how to understand everything she says the first time. I usually catch only the first and last thing. But she's really nice and I like her. I felt this little nudge my first day in fact, it was really subtle, but I had this feeling that I'd be able to work well with her because I "got" the kind of person she was. Time will tell, sahib.

But I really like my job. It's weird because it's a lot of hard work, and some of it is downright gross, but I get a lot of personal satisfaction out of it and overcoming all the challenges. It's taken me awhile to learn that I need that in a job. I thought the easy-going, slow jobs were where it's at for me, but after working two of them and now doing this one, I see differently. It's an interesting dynamic, because I need to deal with things that are hard for me in order to be happy. It was a hard one to accept. But I'm there now. And I want to share my plan.

It's been forming now in my brain for awhile. It all started with France getting Shawn all excited about starting an essential oils and lotions type of business. I was on board right away, I love the idea of it, but I think Shawn's original excitement was because he thought it would be something he could do quickly to make money and not have to get a job. Once he realized it would take more than that, his enthusiasm quickly ebbed...but I still love the idea and I'm going to go for it. My plan is to work a steady job to make money while I start this up. I'm also practicing my writing. I'm going to write a book. A novel. It's something I've started doing more in my free time. It's so much more accessible than painting for me right now. That's the shape of my future at the moment! So, yeah, I'm now a person with a plan. And I like it! I like it a lot!

I'm going to go write some poetry!!

Well, as I'm sure most of you know from facebook, I got the job at Trilogy and I start sometime next week. It'll be a job I can keep all winter, too. I'm eager to like it and to fit in. I've been looking forward to finding a place for myself here. I don't know where I'll find it, but I know it's there already.

Speaking of which, Shawn and I were invited to his new work friend's girlfriend's house last night. I sat on the couch and observed and put in my two cents when I could. Two other girls dropped in while we were there, which made it difficult to get to know Bri, the girl's house we were at. But one of them was a girl I'd seen working at the health food store, and was almost 100% sure was a girl i'd gone to summer camp with twice (one year she was in Bethany's 'flight', and the other year when Bethany was at a different camp, she was in the same barracks as me). I remembered her because she's one of those people that stand out, like a sun. So warm, real, charismatic and confident - I remembered how she drew people of all ages to her like bees to honey. But I never felt she saw anything special in me. (maybe because on some inner level I was sending out defensive, jealous vibes?) We never connected as friends. Perhaps because we were never in the same flight, also. Anyway, I was never sure enough it was her to say anything. For one thing she's taller and thinner. But last night I couldn't help myself, and I told her she looked really familiar. And she was like, "I think we went to summer camp together...did you have a twin sister?" It WAS her! We had a little reunion, and when we left that night she gave me a big hug.  All the girls that were at the apartment last night were really nice, and into the same things as me. I felt among kindred spirits that didn't know I was one of them yet.

The day is soft today. As soon as I stepped out in it for a walk around town I felt it soften me. The bird's chirping seemed lazy and peaceful as opposed to the frenzied chorus of earlier spring. hardly anyone was out and about as I walked up 1st street into town. just that sound of wind blowing through fir and cedar and hemlock branches. And birds, and a distant car or two.

I made lasagna the other night and there is a tiny bit left. Ricotta spinach. My first attempt in years...and I forgot, after everything was prepared and ready to layer, that our one square glass baking dish had shattered the week before in an Unfortunate Incident I wish not to discuss. When I realized this, the Coop was closed for the day. The ONLY place to get a baking dish. so, what I ended up doing was layering it all up in one of my 9-inch round cake pans. It worked...it was delicious....and I am going to have some right now.

The weather's put a damper on mine and Shawn's camping plans today. It's pouring with an icy wind. We're just going with the flow and putting it off - and there's a chance because of Shawn's new connections at work (Marine supplies and fuelling station) that we can go somewhere even better than planned if we wait anyways. He's already been offered many boat rides through working there. And fishing trips. (!!) and - I got an interview at Trilogy Fish. For a front desk/cashier position. I hope I get it. I think I will. I have a feeling. I would love riding my bike/walking to and from work there. it's right down at the bottom of Marine West's steep driveway, full on in front of  Clay-o-quat Sound.

Shawn's present for me hasn't arrived in the mail yet. It might come today. The anticipation is exciting. I have a pretty good guess as to what it is, but I will not say. If it is what I think it is, well, YAY.

Shawn made me breakfast today and we had a cozy morning together waking up slow with an extra cup of coffee (enter vibrating 'fub).  He made french toast, with this amazing berry butter sauce. we ate them with that plus maple syrup - amazing. Later we're venturing out into town so I can use up my $30 freebie at Covet. I'm thinking a headband. Or some Tokyo Milk fragrance. something I wouldn't usually get.

I'm really excited about this new job. The way everything came together just in time and so easily for me too...I mean, I really only applied at the one place (!!)...it just confirms that what you affirm happens. I'm not saying I didn't feel a little stressed at times (the fact that this interview is a weight off my shoulders confirms that), but any time I caught myself I made a real effort to encourage myself that the "new job" I was seeking had already formed and was in place for me, and all I needed to do was stumble upon it - and I prayed and trusted that I'd be led to the place I'd enjoy the most.  So anyway, I know I don't technically have the job yet, so I'll stop talking...

Oh yeah, on my birthday I was even invited to a party....a beach fire. It seemed perfect to me, but Shawn was exhausted from his second early morning shift in a row so we didn't end up going. But we went out for sushi and sauntered into the sunset together. Yes we did.

Since I have no call-up friends in Tofino, I'll be spending most of the day alone, which makes it easy to please myself. I have already gone out for a walk in the sparkling blueness that is outside today. I stopped at common loaf and got an americano (while staring longingly at the moist-looking fat squares of lemon cranberry - alas I'd only brought enough cash for coffee...). The smells in there are enough to make anyone hungry. Yesterday I in fact gave in to the smells and indulged in a pesto chicken panini from there (made on freshly-baked-from-scratch, thick, soft, nutty bread) and ate it in the tower and people watched. I am much better at people-watching than I used to be. I've learned it's an acquired taste that one must put one's creativity towards.

anyway, I walked down to the steps beside Ocean Outfitters which lead down to the water and some docks used by a variety of businesses. I planted myself on the bottom step, drank my coffee, and meditated. The Sound in front of me was so beautiful and such a vibrant blue - the islands dotting it gave me pleasure like perfect bites of food. Yes. Food. Mouthfuls of joy.

Anytime I meditate I get streams of wisdom, and I've come to experience the truth, that the wisdom and joy are always around me, and I simply feel it when I slow down and open myself enough to. Other times I am living cut off in a world constructed by my mind, and everything becomes smaller, narrower, dirtier, etc. In this other, real world, the outside (the everything), the magic and mystery of life is very near the surface, and that is how I like life to be. I like it to feel as though it's bursting with magic that could happen at any moment - that IS happening every moment.

"Of course there is magic in everything", as Colin Creevy would say. "only, people don't know much about it or how to use it." and then he goes on to talk of the power of positive thinking. Seriously, that book knows it. I love how in the book Dickon's mom tells them that the joy and magic they were talking of was the same thing hymns were written for, and that it doesn't matter to what you direct your gratitude at, because it will all go to the same One.

anyway. The sun's shining on my thoughts today. And I'm 27! I'm happy to report that I do not in any way feel old. In fact, I still feel like a girl. a strange woman-girl combo.

I am 27 and a fubblin visit

Well, things have felt like a whirlwind to me since I got back from Williams Lake, but in actual fact for a normal person, I don't think they actually have been. I'm just not used to anything above a snail's pace. I've been job searching, but first I had to do a total overhaul on my resume. it's much more sophisticated now (I hope).

My fublin visit in Williams Lake was so much fun! I have to confess that I slumped a little after coming home, with finding a job to face and all, but what better to pull one out of a slump than a birth day?
Right now my tummy is comfortably embracing what had been an eggs benny. Shawn's at work, but it's an early day so he'll be off by 3 - at which point he has a surprise for me, and then we'll go out to dinner. On his two days off coming up on thurs. we're going camping. we have it all planned out.

Williams Lake:

Laura, as per usual (because she's a long time ferry pro) was waiting for me in prime wait parking at the ferry terminal. We went out for sushi that night and did some stories before I nodded off in order to get enough sleep for the early morning bus. Turns out I slept almost the entire bus ride, so there was no need to worry. I'd wake up when the bus jerked to a stop at the breaks, or lurched around a turn, and nod off again after catching a quick glimpse of  grey river valleys or the dark inside of a tunnel...and later, brown farms bordered by scraggle. Williams Lake always seems just a little bit further than I remembered. I arrived with a smattering of rain. I hadn't told them what time the bus would be there for sure, so first thing I called Ben on the pay phone, and then went to the bathroom to freshen up - and when I walked out, there was 'fub!

It was my first time in their new place, and immediately I was impressed with a cozy vibe. The kids playing quickly became background noise. Bethany and Ben gave me their whole room to myself, which felt luxurious. I had very cozy - yes, there is no other word - nights sleeping on their comfy bed.

We had so much fun. It was a perfect visit. We played some wii, 'fub and I did t-tapp together most days, and our last kid-responsibility-free day (Ben's last day off) we went to the gym and worked out together before going for a swim. It was a triumphant swim for 'fubs, as both of us hazarded the rope swing and were getting much more graceful towards the end of our swim. We were interrupted by school classes of kids taking over the main pool after a bit, so we swam in the lanes and tried to walk with each foot on a noodle- things like that. Some time was devoted to singing "gangsta's paradise" in the steam room. We had two hours to spend, so after we got super pruney, we sat on the bleachers and just hung out until we smoothen'd up before taking a last dip.

We went out and watched "The Host". All agreed it was awesome...

'fub made many yummy things. I have to say a highlight was the steak dinner...that and the pork spareribs - both things I never have opportunity to have, usually. I have a very vegetarian minded boyfriend, who is grossed out at the sight of bone. 'nuff said. Anyway, it was special. There was also a delicious night of slow-cooked shredded beef fajitas.

While I was there, I made copious amounts of tea and endlessly philosophized with 'fub. I do love to have another willing ear. ha! ha!
I played the piano. My fingers aren't as strong as their best days, and the sight-reading paths in my brain not so entrenched after years of hardly being able to play, but it was still a language as natural as English to me. That felt good. One time I attempted to sing some Saturday's Warrior, accompanied by 'fub, but it was first thing in the morning, and my voice has never stood up to much until around lunch time, as a rule. Not like Labee. I remember hearing her voice soar to the high notes confidently during many early family prayers and experiencing a stab of awe at the unnaturalness of it. Mmm hmm.

'fub and I practiced coordinated flailing with her wii dancing game. Sometimes, there really was NO other word for what I was doing, but flailing (coupled with vigorous pelvic thrusts...on this one song, anyway, they insisted on repeating the pelvic thrust almost the whole way through). It was soo much fun. worked a 'fub up into a good lather, too. We were very active, if I do say so.

We put coconut oil in our hair after our pool excursion, and this is where I made friends with 'gus-gus, with him pulling the grocery bag I had encircling my coconutty locks, over my face and then pushing it up again. I would have played with him longer, had he not chosen that moment in my arms to push out a stinky. (will that connotation EVER be out of my psyche? no.)

Owen took longer to get over his shyness with me, but after awhile he started asking me for things and even smiling at me, and repeating things I said.

Let me just regress to the coconut oil - it was a big success, as far as my hair is concerned. it's been noticeably softer and healthier-feeling since...and that's just after one time! You're supposed to do it once a week until your hair is healed, and then you only need to do it once a month.

'fub shared many good movies with me. we watched some new avatar. AND, we printed fumfer cat on on our shirts!! first of all, 'fub got me two lovely shirts for my birthday - a pleasing, long grey, and an equally pleasing long purple. The purple wasn't right for printing, but the grey was PERFECT. And there was fumfer cat - a print designed by Bethany. Fumfer cat is fluffy, with disproportionate breadth of head, and one eye bigger than the other. A suitably creepy creation. We took turns carving him out to a good size. I printed him on my shirt with purple, 'fub with a turquoise-green. There was a dilemma when I washed my shirt and we discovered that the acrylic we used had come out, so we had to re-print it. But we did a fine job, yes we did. Another printing experiment we did was to cut out the letters for fub, in tattoo lettering - 'fub did most of it while I watched August Rush for the first time, and she did a really good job and it seemed rather painstaking (took the entire movie) - and then when we went to print, we realized that we had completely forgotten to take into account mirror imaging. So it was backwards! We compensated by cutting out the individual letters, and arranging them vertically - we thought it looked more by design that way. Then we cut out a little heart and stamped it beside the backwards "fub". I did this on my cute little grey open-backed sweater in a blue-y green that was not quite teal, not quite turquoise. Quite pleasing, I thought. I even dig the backwards lettering (although it can't be denied that had we done it right, it would have been even more pleasing). But whateva. it's a style.

There was so much fun had, it felt like I was there for only 2 days rather than 7.

Strangely enough, the bus ride home, which I'd been dreading, was a beautiful experience. Maybe it's because the bus was wending it's way through the mountains while the sun was setting. The way the ponderosa pines were edged in gold set against a backdrop of blue and white mountain peaks. I was the only non-smoker to get off at each and every break, just to breath the air and experience the energy, especially up in the mountains. Lytton - always my favourite stop. Hope was drenched in a warm, honeye'd summer evening atmosphere. The closer I got to the coast, the sweeter the air smelt, with blossoms and rain-fresh farms...and finally, salty sea. After I boarded the ferry, I walked straight up to the top deck and leant over the rail, even though I was weak with hunger at that point, to be able to keep taking in deep breaths of that sea air. You never smell it quite the same as when you're just returning. the smell of ocean and fuel - the smell of coming home! I enjoy being romantic. That is how I enjoy to live life.

The beginning of my bus ride wasn't that fun though. my heart was broken, like always, and if it weren't for having such a good 'fubman to come home to, I'd probably have stayed that way for the entire trip. It was the kind of visit one doesn't say goodbye to easily.

Laura was there at the bus depot to pick me up and drive me to the last ferry. it had gotten dark around when the bus passed through Langley. Having Laura as a trip cushion this time felt like a luxury. I feel very lucky to have a sister in Van that can make some part of my trip stress-free and fun that otherwise wouldn't be. it makes such a huge difference. We didn't have any time to do anything though, other than sit in the car and visit until it was time for me to board the boat. But it was really nice.

I could write more, but I think this is long enough for now.

no noods

I didn't mention the secret of the crisp in my earlier post because I thought perhaps I was one of the only ignorant people in the world as to the simple secret. I thought it likely everyone else already knew...but since some comments implied otherwise, I'm suddenly in the happy position of having a useful trick to share! so I will share it. Like I said, it's simple (and anticlimactic after that intro). To get a good crisp, you only have to have the heat on med-high until the potatoes are blanched, ei. that thick white skin appears. and some will have started getting a little brown - then you turn the heat down to med or whatever is reasonable to YOU, and hey - Bob's your uncle! you only have to wait until the little nuggets have achieved the perfect state of browned-ness for you.

Shawn's new job is at Method Marine...I'm not quite sure what he'll be doing, it'll be all sorts of stuff. it's well-paying and there are benefits after a few months.

This is my last blog before I go and visit 'fub. I'll be leaving for Parksville early in the morning, and catching the ferry that same day to the mainland, where Laura will put me up for a night...and then I'll have to catch the bus at 7:45am the next morning. I'll be happy when I'm settled on the bus. I'm always like that before a trip where I have to catch something.

Today, was summer. It's a done deal fact. It was so warm jackets and hoodies were thrown away into the wind with disdain. Shawn saw some noodies at the beach, right by the public path. I spent a good portion of the day at Tonquin where it was glorious. There were no noods.

The whole day yesterday was so soft, spring-like and lovely, but the evening was pure airy magic. Shawn had just left for work when I looked outside (saw pale blue sky of pre-dusk through trees) and decided I had to go out in it, so I got dressed (I was in yoga clothes) and pulled on my boots and stepped outside with a sigh of relief.

The world was deeply still, but warm light was still touching the tops of the trees. It was as if they were standing drenched and revelling in the day that'd just been. some young kids were playing with a ball in the park. It smelt so good, like spring: dead leaves and silken brown, tightly-curled ferns and freshly cut grass - all having soaked up the sun all day, and now releasing their warm scents. whiffs of cedar and pine and the faintest, sweet smell of early blossoms mingled. It was high and clear and sweet. I took HUGE breaths through my nose (Egg would have been quite affronted by my flared and quivering nostrils).

Also yesterday, Shawn and I were on a cleaning streak, and Shawn finally cleaned up all his tools and mess on our back patio. It's now completely clear, with a striped rug, and even a hammock! our patio looks awesome. He also snipped all the dead fern and stalks around the yard. Then he lay and swung in the hammock reading harry potter, while I sat on the couch inside and drew my vision of what I want our patio to look like, with potted plants and perhaps a portable bamboo fence. We had the sliding glass door open so we could talk, and music was playing. When the music stopped you heard a very far off chainsaw (so far off it was a peaceful buzz, like a bumblebee), soft voices carried over on the breeze, a crow or two, and (what sounded like) hundreds of tiny birds hidden away. twittering, chirping, screeching with joy. I like to stop and see the day through a song bird's eyes. they are obviously over-joyed about spring being here. they sing as happily on a grey day as a sunny one...when I look at the day through the sounds of their singing, it becomes huge and sacred.

I take any excuse to go outside these days. sometimes Shawn joins me, sometimes he doesn't. He doesn't have all day to be idle, like I do.  But the other day he did join me when I walked to Tonquin. It was a most lovely day, soft and warm and alive with birds and busy little insects. Shawn and I took deep, deep breaths as we walked, and stopped often to look at the view. We chose to go down the steps to the beach, where the tide was out, exposing smoothed and rippled rock dimpled with tidal pools, encrusted with barnacles and slick shining colonies of mussels, with streaks of deep wine red from the algae. I enjoy going exploring among the exposed rock - it always feels to me like I'm walking through secret underwater passageways and rooms usually used by creatures of the sea. I love how the rocks get twisted and smoothed and shaped. The beach at low tide just fires my imagination right up!

Shawn is home - he got a new job! we are celebratory just now!

Since Sarah's left, I've been doing t-tapp almost every day. It's so easy to do, and makes me feel so good. the blood pumping vigorously through my veins invigorates my whole life! For example, usually I don't bother cooking myself anything special if there's no one but myself to cook for. But this morning, after my work out, I made myself crispy hash browns and a fried egg with rosemary, cumin, salt and pepper, and sat down and ate it with ketchup n' hot sauce with a relish. Even though Shawn was long gone on a surf! woo hoooo!

I like to make hash browns now that I have finally learned the secret of the crisp. Many times I've tried different things, and ended up with something either grainy, mushy, or burnt - so now, to bite into a crispy, yet melt-in-your-mouth, perfectly browned hash brown cube - made through my efforts - is definitely a triumph. I am of the school of thought that ranks all triumphs as cause for celebration.

After breakfast I sat down and made a list with two columns (as per Abraham-Hicks) and wrote in one the things I intend to take care of today, and in the other, the things that overwhelm me - for God/Universe to handle. Somewhere along the lines I started thinking about all the things I've wanted that have come to me recently, and suddenly I was inspired to write out a list of manifestations and to put it on the fridge. Which I did. Beside each thing I wrote "received" - I think that's a trick my brain pulled out from reading "the secret" a year or so ago. But it was pretty neat. nearly everything I've really desired has come to me. I'm going to keep noticing and adding to the list when I remember more.

The sun's playing hide and seek with the clouds and light is dappling across the backyard. It smells fresh, cold, and pure when I step outside, and I can hear a raven's throaty call, a dove coo-ing somewhere, and underlying all the faint twittering of countless little birds, seeming to mimic the glimmerings and flashings of light playing through the tree branches.

at one point this morning I played some flow-y music and cleared a space on the floor, and danced around the living room with abandon. Spring's in me same as it's in the singing lil birds!

Yesterday Shawn came into the apartment one time with a book he'd found in the hallway. People leave things they want to get rid of there sometimes. It's called "journey to the river sea" by Eva Ibbotson, and yesterday I swallowed it in one gulp. The girl in it, who's archaeologist parents died in a train crash while she was at boarding school, was sent to live with relatives on the Amazon - and the adventure she got into woke up all sorts of dreams in me. The bliss of waking up on the water, to see herons diving for fish, and all sorts of wildlife, birds singing, otters playing. to live a life immersed in freedom and beauty. I want to live completely outside of the prison-like grid of society. Sigh. those who escape it are the lucky ones. Funnily enough before I got hold of and read that book, I'd just finished re-reading "the secret garden". It's been awhile since I've read it, and I was amazed at the deep wisdom in that book! It's an amazing book. I cried and cried while I read it, and afterwards was so deeply inspired by the magic of the living earth, it's perhaps what attracted this other book to me. I have a longing to live somewhere with a beautiful park and gardens that I could go out into every day. The spaciousness and poetry of the moor that is eloquently talked of in "the secret garden" makes me long to go THERE, or somewhere equally wild and seemingly lonely, but full of life, like the desert in New Mexico.

I don't want to be alone, though. In these stories, there are always other people involved and strong bonds are always forged. I'm a very warm and social person. I couldn't live cut off from people....no, just society :D. There, see - I know I've often compared myself to a crazy cat lady, but I'm not actually a bit like one. I love my one furry friend, my familiar, if you will - but I've realized I couldn't enjoy having two cats as much as I enjoy having one. That's a big strike against being a cat lady. Also, I don't like them more than humans - definitely not cat ladyish. Cats are great though. They teach us to be soft and gentle and to take care of ourselves, to always pay attention, and to relax. They are symbols of self-healing. Sometimes when Eastre comes and cuddles her round form up against me, I feel like Shasta all alone in the desert at night, sitting against the tombstones and afraid of the calls of wild animals all around him, when a fat housecat comes and sits against him and purrs. Then he later finds out it was Aslan. That may be a dramatic example, and I am tending towards the dramatic right now, it being my joyful time of PMS (the storm before the storm...), but sometimes I do have very spiritual moments with my cat. Where I feel as if she's just another way for God's love to show Itself. It makes me feel very warm and squishy inside to think of things that way.

PMS I think is a very spiritual time, too. Along with the anger and resentment that comes up (I notice it now pretty clearly - every time I'm PMSing, Shawn annoys me much easier - but it's not just annoyance, it's resentment and it goes deep - and then it magically melts away until next PMS. I've learned not to take my anger literally at this time, and to not blame Shawn, because it's been the same with every boy I've been with. obviously it's me)  - that was a long bracket - anyway, along with that anger comes all these flashes of insight. It seems you take life deeper all of a sudden. I know we've all felt how it becomes impossible to ignore even the cheesiest stab at emotion in commercials and movies and books. If something is the least bit touching, it touches you! am I right?!  anyway, maybe I'm feeling this way in particular right now because my period is perfectly corresponding with the full moon, which is known for it's illuminating and drawing-out power.

Last night I was lying in bed, vaguely letting my mind run over the issue of what to do with my life - how the way my life was flowing wasn't in accord with certain things I had beliefs about - when all of a sudden a strong thought jumped in! It basically said, you are in charge of your own beliefs about your own life, you are the only one who can create harmony between the two - you can decide what is all right for you...it's hard to describe the full meaning of this flash of inspiration and insight, but in a nutshell it gave me a rush of inspiration and a thrilling shiver as I thought of myself at the helm of my own ship, steering my own course in freedom. So that is at least one thing they mean about being comfy in your own skin..!!

A Stott Embarks on a Journey Away from her Stottsman and Stottboys to visit a far-away 'fub

Just now, the apartment is feeling a little dark and forlorn. A Stott is no longer here. So suddenly, an apartment is empty of Stott! what is one to do?! At first I sank onto the couch, curled into a ball, and mourned to a sympathetic fubman. But enough of sadness. The visit was so much fun and I want to recount it while it's still fresh in my memory. a note though...we did so many things you see. I'm afraid the days and activities kind of jumbled together in my memory. I remember everything we did, but you'll just to bear with me on exact timing.

Stott's station was the living room, and accordingly spots were sanctioned for the purpose of containing various Stott containers. The futon was bolstered up with some books to help with the sag. Fubman had to work that first night, so Stott and I set off by ourselves to collect supplies for dinner. We decided on smoked salmon potato cakes, so we bought the stuff for that (as well as a healthy-sized bag of chocolate mini eggs spotted by Sarah, rittersports, and popcorn. one must be prepared for a good snack). However, I forgot about the breading for the cakes, so they ended up being croquettes, as Stott pointed out. But they were still good with the lemon-dill aioli, and we had a nice salad with apple cider vinegar dressing made by Stott. After dinner we did some stories - quite frankly I wish we'd done more of them, because we did get off to a rather genius start. But we just did the two. some good chats were had, and I got Sarah to watch "pitch perfect", which I'd been dying to share with someone since I'd first seen it.

Anyway, our first full day we had rather a late breakfast, which fubman made - raspberry smoothies, as Stott and I were planning to go for a run afterwards. It was grey and cloudy, but dry, and we ran through the village on the back roads to the multi-use path (MUP, as it is dubbed) and ran all the way to mackenzie beach before turning back around. I tell you, it was a lot more than I was used to pushing myself, and I had to stop and walk soon after we had turned around because I was feeling sick. But I kept running when I recovered, although it was hard for me to keep it up and soon Stott, bouncing away energetically,  had disappeared over a hill and around a bend, not to be seen again until she'd finished and waited for me. I was jogging down gibson, a potholed gravel road that never seems to have it's potholes fixed, and there was Stott standing at the end. We walked the rest of the way back to the apartment. Stott's face had a healthy pink glow, while mine, I discovered later in the mirror, was more of a blackberry stain.

After Sarah had had a shower, we beautified ourselves. Actually, first I think we went out to eat at wildside. It took us a while to decide between sushi (not sure if it was yet open...), tacofino, and Wildside. We decided Tacofino because it had just re-opened and I was really excited about it, and a Stott was an obliging Stott. But Tacofino ended up being closed! So, since wildside is fortunately right there, we went for that - which actually isn't a disappointment, wildside is always delicious, it's just that it's open for more of the year than sushi or tacofino is. (my grammar is crumbling, and I apologize to those of you who still abide by it - that last sentence was extremely grammatically confusing to me...) But I was very content to share it with someone that had never experienced it before, that always makes things feel new again. I got the buffalo chicken burger special, and Sarah got the spicy chicken tacos and we halved them. Soooo good. Sarah agreed, as would any sane person, that wildside fries are of an amazing quality. It is true...they're so crispy, yet melt in your mouth! Everything is always fresh there. It's what makes it good every time. Anyway, somewhere around the food eating, we did beautify ourselves. Sarah flat iron-curled my hair, and the result was so lovely it made me suddenly re-think my hair-cutting plan. But, upon reflection, I mean....obviously I can't make my hair look like that my SELF. I've tried the flat-iron curl, and I do not end up with curls. So the hair cutting plan was stuck to. We must've gone to the grocery store again after that, because one of the cashiers, who has seen me often enough with a raggedy anne braid, made a point of complimenting my hair. He was quite flirty actually...(not to me exactly).  Laura will remember him from the time we bought vermouth for our risotto. The guy at the grocery store who made a comment about us going out on the town, after spotting that vermouth? Same guy. Somehow, he is always kind of flirty when I bring a sister to the store. When it's just me, he pretty much completely ignores me. Sarah won't believe he was flirty because of her, but them's the facts. I'm sticking to 'em.

That night, full from the wildside, we napped, and snacked on popcorn and chocolate rather than have an actual dinner. We watched Step it Up - it's always enjoyable to watch a big, muscular man like Channing wriggle and gyrate. Sarah and I agreed that it adds a definite strong current of attraction to a man. But there's something about Channing also that is very masculine...he makes other boys look pretty and feminine in comparison. I like a masculine manly man with a sensitive side. I mean...who doesn't? It's kind of irresistable...anyways - tangent. When Shawn got back from work that night, we all played rock band for awhile. I wanted to do more stories, but somehow it just never happened. But Stott and I had some good chats. I always love to have a sister around to chat with.

Quite frankly, I can't remember which night we made babka - I think it was the next night, on Tuesday. yes. That day, we bought the supplies for tie-dying, also, and got started on our turkey feast. You see, Shawn had received a turkey as part of a christmas bonus from his boss, and we'd long ago planned to save it for when Sarah came. Sarah brought with her the fortunate knowledge of a bacon covered, maple-glazed roasted turkey recipe...with cornbread sausage stuffing...so that day in preparation, I made some cornbread while Stott made the aforementioned magical creation, called BABKA. We'd talked about it earlier and decided to add nutella to the middle - and it was not a mistake, let me tell you. That night we snacked on hummus with chips, and warm babka dipped in melted nutella and cream cheese glaze, as well as an obligatory ode to dinner - cornbread grilled cheese. I believe that night also that we watched "the backup plan" with J-Lo, which I discovered had to be watched with a sister to be fully appreciated...there were some scenes - the birthing one for example, that almost made me hysterical.

 I didn't mention it, but soon after that first morning run it had started to rain, and didn't cease the entire time Sarah was here. so Wednesday morning found Tofino in quite the wet state. Since we hadn't been to the beach at all yet though, we decided to tough it out for our run, and ended up at Chesterman's. Not only was a steady drench falling from the sky, but also a steady freezing wind. We both had trouble keeping our immediately sodden hoods on our sodden heads (in order to protect sensitive ears). Stott resorted to pulling on one of her boy's (Sloane's?) brown flappy toques, which had a large light brown drippy stain on one side. The ear flaps flapped merrily in the wind until she had the thought to pull her hood over the toque, and the bulkiness did an alright job of keeping the hood up after that. We ran down the length of lynn road, cut onto the the southern end of south chestermans, and ran the entire length of the beach plus a little loop. Afterwards there was not a dry speck on either of us. I felt pretty good because I didn't start feeling sick until the very end. Before we made our way home, Sarah treated us both to a cup of chocolate elixir from Chocolate Tofino, which we happily dipped leftover babka into when we got back to the apartment.
This was the day appointed to tye-dying and turkey feasting. First though I forgot to mention that the day before, Sarah kindly gave Shawn a really cute hair cut before he set off for a job interview (ended up being a dud, but the hair cut was NOT). She also cut MY hair. I love it, and so does my hair. My curls have come back with a vengeance. I've noticed quite a few people in town look at me and not recognize me since, too, which is kind of funny.

For the purpose of tie-dying, I rummaged around and managed to procure a white bruhwiler's surf T for Stott, and a tank for myself. These were our originals. we painstakingly mixed to get the correct shade of green and blue - those were the colours we used, and set about following the directions on the site we'd found and the dye packets. for testing we used an old white sock and raggedy tank of fubman's. The best part was taking off the elastics and unraveling the shirt to see what had been done...and then there was the fun of scrunching it back up and dunking it in a different colour. After those first ones, our thirst was not at ALL abated and we decided to set off for the thrift shop, Castaways, to see if we could find anything else to transform. the tiny shop ended up yielding to us but one offering...a soft white cardigan, which I urged Stott to take, since I'd just remember some other white shirts of mine I could use. so back at the apartment, Sarah set to work on her cardigan and I on two other shirts I'd found. we used a sage green, violet, pale teal, and yellow. It's definitely addicting...I'm already planning tie-dye parties in my head! So much fun - and then you have a cute something to wear at the end!

After the tie-dye fun Stott and I set about dutifully preparing the turkey feast. spicey italian sausage sizzled on the pan, Stott prepared buns, the turkey was rinsed, dried, covered in bacon and finally stuffed with the prepared stuffing, glazed with maple syrup and stuck in the oven. Basically, Stott and I were crazy busy with all the different preparations, and we'd only lightly snacked all day on babka and hummus and the like. There WAS a short nap time in between...every day we managed time for a nap...it must be said. By the time everything was ready, the smells had been enticingly wafting about for hours, and I was ravenous and drained. The feasting felt quite short in comparison to the preparations, but it was all delicious. Stott and I felt rather proud of ourselves. We hung out lazily for a bit after dinner, and then watched "family man".

Thursday we kept the turkey leftovers within reach. Delightful bunwiches stuffed with the leftovers were had. Stott and I did t-tapp. Soon after breakfast, we ventured out on the drenched town to take a look at Covet. As always that took awhile, because that store is so filled with cute things. Sarah tried on some clothes and various hats. She ended up with a cute round black one (hat). I bought Stott a Danica make-up case covered in peacock-coloured owls, as a gift for cutting my hair. It was still less than I'd have spent on a hair cut anywhere else - Stott spoils us all, does she not?!  After a good long peruse in Covet, there was a quick stop by the health food store, and then we went back to the apartment.
At some point during this day, Shawn approached Stott - and this is the exchange they had.
Shawn: so, you're a Stott right?
Stott: Yes
Shawn: does that make Kyle your Stottsman?

At this time I was changing in the bedroom - all I knew was that Sarah's voice was suddenly coming through the crack in the door. "Amy! I have a Stottsman!" she was saying, with the voice of one who has just made a delightful discovery. The discovery was duly appreciated, and fubman too for discovering it. What can I say - my fubman is a genius! I mean it was also he that came up with Une Fubbitte.

If you've made it this far, I congratulate you! I'm not exactly sure, on reflection, what made me feel as though I needed point out each exact movie. I think (upon FURTHER reflection) it's because I don't want to lose a single moment of the visit. Thursday being the last night, we watched two movies. "silver lining playbook" and "life as we know it".

The next morning Sarah left at 11 and a sad 'fub was I. It's now a few days later as you can see. After family leaves, the empty apartment hits me like a slap! But I am so glad she came. We had so much fun.   And Stott, it's up to you to add anything I forgot to mention...

And now, as promised.

I think this would be a good anti-bullying pic. this is how me and Sarah feel about bullies.

two excited girls

the Slug

haha, Stott...!!! 

the excitement is now barely contained...

sisters of the long chin and lip

sisters to strike terror...

Also, as Labee pointed out, her and I took a few of these when she was over. I will be obliging and add them (they need to be shared anyway):

hi.

phhht...hehe

BLAUGHEIWOAPWRIGH

mom always said we were cute girls

this one...speaks for itself

mom also taught us to be kind and thoughful girls

Oh...oh my! 

rawr

evil plot faces

haha, poor labee has no idea, in her joy, that I am about to deliver a left hook to her chin

hilarity

...followed by great fear...

the end!