slump n' rise, as well as an evening on the beach

yesterday I curled up in bed and I read. I made myself a breakfast of poached egg over chick peas (avec grape seed oil and freshly ground salt n' pepper and a crushed clove of garlic), with a few sunburst orange cherry tomatoes on the side. I found it quite satisfying.
sometimes you must let yourself slump, and yesterday was one of those days where it feels as if one has no choice. emotionally and psychologically i was overwhelmed. I get like that during the ...heaviest... "time of the month". If you catch my meaning. I accept it. I watched "the notebook" and let myself cry. I had a luxurious shower. I dressed in my comfiest clothes. I did nothing all day, just let myself feel the various pressing emotions and fears. I feel as if it is a time of release.

Today, I woke up a brand new Amy! Industriously I cleaned all the dishes that had been piling up in the sink. I washed the cupboards and the outside of the fridge. I put away all clothes that had been lazily slumped here and there. I made myself a breakfast of peanut butter and jam bun, and then I resolutely put on the BennyBoats (the white jogging brick shoes that ben has graciously lent to me) and my blue ball cap and went for a jog. The responsibilities of life, which were pressing on me so heavily yesterday, today are mysteriously lifted - and seem easier to face with more enthusiasm. Perhaps I succeeded in releasing a little something yesterday, and next time it won't be so heavy.

In other news, me and shawn had a lovely evening the other day on the beach. We stuffed a backpack full of snack + beverage, along with some ripped up cardboard box for starting the fire, and walked down to a private entrance that we know of. It leads you to a bit of beach overlooking the sound, but no one else is ever there because the only entrance to it is through the yard of an abandoned house.
On the walk over I noted the sun-drenched world around me. Nodding forget-me-nots, blazing poppies, the bright green new shoots of the pines and cedars. The glow of deep sun was embracing everything. It was the kind of afternoon that makes you remember fat bumblebees tumbling through blossoms and the sound of the wind sifting through lofty leaves. also the smell of a BBQ wafting through the air, mingling with fresh sea notes, and people laughing.

At our site on the beach, shawn soon had a fire blazing. we talked of spiritual things and life and sunsets and our dream house and how much fun it would be to have a boat.
In the dark, we walked back home, smelling of beachfire and bug spray. I love summer.

our minds were meant to soar

I've been thinking of flying a lot of late. While I'm staring at the ocean or out the window at the tree tops (where a crow is perched perfectly balanced at the very top of one), it just comes over me - a desire to interact differently with the environment. To experience it from the air, weightless, free, soaring. :D I imagine myself doing it. I even had a dream not too long ago where I could fly effortlessly. All I needed was a running start or a big jump. It's the only dream I can remember having where I could fly and stay in control at the same time, and not freak out. 

Anyway, interestingly enough, amidst all this longing, came a friend of shawn's mom's. vera. we were in parksville, picking up a lawn mower for shawn, and she dropped by while we were there. And guess what she talked about to us nearly the whole time: her son. Who just happens to be a hang gliding instructor - who has lived in brazil, is living now in costa rica (I can't even remember the other places he's lived in) - point is, he has a very liberated life living in costa rica taking people out hang gliding for a living. HANG GLIDING. Why does it feel as if my life is meant to be filled with that kind of exhilaration? Soaring through warm sunsets...dipping in the air above the shimmering ocean. Oh i want. 

new beginnings (synchronicity)!

I had a synchronistic happening pertaining to my job situation, and I'm gonna tell you about it. The day before my last day at Covet, a girl came in to say hi - a girl I used to work with there, but had quit earlier in the year. I told her the situation (about being 'let go') and she was quite sympathetic about it, but then we changed the subject and that was that. However, a couple days ago I got a text from her asking to meet her at her work. So I went - turns out she was interested in getting this other, higher-paying job, and wanted to recommend me for replacing her. The job, by the way is in a tiny little surf school (the building only fits one small rack of clothing, a corner change room (hung with a curtain) by the front door, and then a tiny little desk at the back corner with the booking forms and pos machine and what-not.) No computer. There's a door at the back leading to the wetsuit room. My job would be to basically co-ordinate - take bookings, payments, make people sign waivers, that kinda thing. It's a very laid-back vibe. There's busy times when the lessons go out, but in between lessons you can read a book or knit if you want. So anyways, I went in today to see a lesson go out, and I pretty much have the job. The only thing is, the girl I'm replacing hasn't actually gotten hired at this other place yet. She's pretty sure about it, but obviously everything's kinda hinging on that.
The coolest part is that I didn't even have to TRY to get a job - it came to ME. If it is indeed going to be my job. (I always have the voice of Laura Ingalls' Ma in my head telling me something about "counting chickens before they're hatched" - seriously, all the common sense you'll ever need is in those "little house" books.)

Speaking of which, I've been pondering a little on the Anne of Green Gables books I read so much growing up. It's random, but you know how in school, often you are told to site your heroes, people you look up to? Well...when I was little, that one ALWAYS stumped me. I didn't know myself or the ways of the world well enough to understand how influenced I was by the people around me. I knew that every single one of my older brothers and sisters I adored - I didn't realize that I tried to emulate them though. Which of course I did. So those were my 'real life' heroes.
But then there were my fictional ones. I look back now at how I devoured the A of GG books and I can see more of what they meant to me back then. Anne is a character that I definitely resonated deeply with back then and now too. Her sensitivity. her poetic love of beauty. The way she cherished the vulnerable yet untarnished truth of children. Her fiery spark. How she believed in dreaming. And whimsical-ness. Her support of the underdog. The list goes on. Fact is, Anne and me come from the same line of dreamers. Even if she IS a fictional character. I'm not saying I'm exactly like her, but I'd like to be. There. I said it. And i think that I drew a lot of comfort reading about her growing up, as I grew up myself. Funny innit. How much books can influence you..how much everything does, when you think about it, even though you don't realize.

confrontations

I've been having confrontations with none other than myself.
I am like a flame, that, when dispersed, is like a bunch of tiny sparks scattered in all directions. What I need is to focus the sparks into a unified passion.
Time to stop hiding from my gifts. On old report cards, the common thread in all my teacher's comments was "Amy has great potential but doesn't apply herself". Which seems to fit into a description of most of my life. Well...perhaps it's time to apply myself! And see what exciting things come of it!

Self discipline is the first thing I intend to focus my energies on. Health, cleanliness (of self and surroundings), orderliness, exercise, and definitely not least - meditation. In that kind of environment, creativity can thrive - which is what I next want to focus on. I don't know where I'm going to focus my passion. I'm sure it will come to me in inspiration. In the mean time, I'll prepare the right environment!

It is no accident that I am probably the most messy, disorganized, meandering person most people have EVER met. Wouldn't you agree that those are the lessons to be learned on the path TO discipline, order, and harmony? Also, I like to believe that my experiences in the field of work are no accident. Mustn't I experience the unjust and unethical side of being an employee if I ever want to be the channel through which positive change to the opposite side of good, compassionate ethics happen? I've always felt so passionately about that subject because I know the experience of contributing your valuable effort and being completely undervalued...which is the most common experience in the lower-end type of jobs I've had. In a perfect world (which is where we must be heading), could you see that happening? No. Every effort from every person would be appreciated for what it was: vital and important. People wouldn't be expected to "give their life" to their job. ...on the other hand though, in a perfect world, everyone would be lead by their hearts to do that which most fulfills them, and all the basic necessities of life would be provided - free - which would of course be what liberates people to follow their hearts.

In this perfect world, I have a house tucked away in a private little pocket. The wind shivers through the trees, tickling wind chimes that hang from many branches. Sparkles of blue glimmer through the trees. A sinewy path curves around exposed roots and stones, through the rainforest to a little cove. I have a laundry line that stretches from the upper (wrap-around) deck to the trunk of a tree. I have a little girl and two cats and two dogs...and obviously my lovely Shawn. I write, paint, sculpt, and create for fun and for a living. I swim in the salty sea with my daughter and collect seaweed. I grow dandelions and lavender, feverfew, mint, lemon balm, calendula, borage, and many other herbs and also vegetables. I want there to be a profusion of campanula all over my yard. The back door entrance to my home leads into a mudroom which is impossible to keep from being constantly sandy. It has a warm, cozy feel.
It's fun to dream.

A First

Yesterday, I mowed a lawn - for the first time in my life! I've always had peculiar resistance to that particular task, even when me and Shawn were doing the gardening thing together. I don't know why...I'm always reluctant to take on a big, heavy, loud machine. It could be construed from a healthy respect of them, which I think is good, because I am always very thorough and exact when using them. Don't get me wrong - there's no fear...just resistance. Resistances that pop up sometimes completely mystify me, while at the same time I can't ignore the effect they have. I'm usually unwilling to open up. A funny example is movies: I find it extremely hard to watch a new movie. And then there's learning how to drive a standard. Shawn's truck is standard. WHY haven't I learned it yet? When he's always offering to teach me? Because each time the subject comes up I feel a big push of resistance and it's so emotionally uncomfortable I just don't want to go there. Anyways. On the OTHER hand I've been getting more inspired to transcend these things that hold me in spot. A manifestation of that is the fact that I MOWED A LAWN yesterday. yay. A triumph!
It wasn't just your regular joe kinda lawn either. It was a HUGE lawn. The front of it alone was huge, but then there was also the back, and sides, and other random pieces. Each of the sections were multiple-lawn size. You get what I am saying - it was a big project.

I loved it! The property was gorgeous, bordered on 3 sides with a wild growth of alders and tall, tall cedar & fir - with clumps here and there of hydrangeas and rhododendrons. The back side was open to the sea. No one lives in the old house on the property, so I was all alone, which I reveled in. Line after line, cutting satisfying swaths. I loved the zen of focussing on the lines. I loved the feeling of doing a good job. On top of it all, I made $85! And it really helped Shawn out, as he was able to get a bunch of other, smaller jobs done that day that he otherwise would have had to put off. He actually came over as I was finishing up and did the weed-wacking. We finished together at around 8:30pm. My hands were tingling from the constant vibrations of the mower, my bones felt pleasantly fatigued, and my whole body felt gently worked-out. Too tired to clean and cook. We got a pizza for dinner, and vegged out in front of 'monsters, inc' - which we passed out during. I woke up at 3am, turned off the TV and the light, put the pizza in the fridge and plopped back in bed, where I fell immediately back to sleep.

3 more work shifts to endure before I am free...

A Shift

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss, where she informed me that she'd found someone to manage Covet full time. Meaning, no more work for me. It didn't come as a surprise. I'd seen the signs. For example, I'm only on the schedule for the first half of the month - also, I saw an add on the covet Facebook page for someone full-time with management experience. On TOP of that, I have intuited long ago that I did not fit in where I was, and I could feel the way that people felt about me. When my boss asked to have a meeting with me, I knew. I've been putting a lot more confidence in my 'gut' feelings, and trusting the sudden flashes of thought that come into my consciousness when I'm focussing on something.   So, there was no surprise. I think that the way I took it took my BOSS by surprise, however. I could see palpable waves of tension coming off of her. You know, this has never happened to me before, and I'm pretty proud of how I acted. I thanked her for giving me the job in the first place, said I'd enjoyed working there, and that I understood why she'd want someone full time with management experience, and that I was glad that she found someone that worked for her. Then I asked if I could use her as a reference. Which she assured me she'd be happy to do for me - she even said she'd write me a letter of reference. And then we got up and I shook hands with her, which made her laugh...it was strangely positive. Then there's the fact that I was relieved, because I HAVE keenly felt how out-of-place I am there. They weren't on the same wavelength as me. And with that point of view, it makes total sense that I am separating from it. It's only natural. I suppose I've learned what I needed to learn too! Because I've learned SUCH GOOD THINGS from this job. That's why I thanked my boss. I've been talking about this a lot with Shawn recently - lovely Shawn who is always into me when I go off on philosophizing rants, and listens patiently! haha. I won't go off on that here. Just trust me. I've learned self-respect here. I've learned self-reliance. I've learned how to find worth inside of me, because I was unable to find it outside. Is that not a worthwhile lesson if you've ever heard one?? I'm VERY empowered and happy about it.

So what did I do when I got home from that meeting? I picked some borage leaves from the lush and healthy plant growing in our backyard (the person who lived here before was, awesomely, a grower of herbs and so we have, without even trying, borage, lovage, and another one I forget the name of! Borage I've learned, drunk as a tea, "gladdens the heart", is cheering and revitalizing,  not to mention it's therapeutic to your mucous membranes and nourishes other things as well. I'm not a borage dictionary yet, but I am enjoying getting to know it better.) - and I made a tea with the leaves. And then I was suddenly inspired to go online to the abraham-hicks website, where you can buy (among other things) a digital download of 5 guided meditations + a little book - they call it the user guide, but it's an expansion of the meditations and it's really inspiring. I'd been meaning to buy it for weeks. It's only $15. So now I thought...isn't this the perfect time to be using that sort of influence?? And I bought it!! Here's a link to a sort of explanation of what it is. Like I said, there's 5 meditations - one on general well-being, one on financial abundance, one on physical well-being, and one on relationships. Last night I did the one on general well-being and it made me feel SO GOOD. Seriously. I was all tingly and energetic and inspired, and the remembrance of being fired didn't bother me in the least - I was more curious to know what new thing would come out of this. So. This morning me and Shawn listened to the general well-being one together, and the second time around the impact felt considerably more intense. So I'm very excited about this. And I'm happy that losing my job gave me the push I needed to download it.

That is what is going on with me lately. On a completely different note, Shawn is trying to buy a surfboard which he intends to be my beginner board. I'm excited about it. I've been longing to be able to go out and play in the sparkly blue...and ever since I realized that a large part of my fear of surfing was stemming from being told, long ago, that there was a rip tide at the beaches in Tofino and that rip tides pulled you under water (which they DON'T) and out to sea...it's diminished my fear. Because THAT'S why I've always been afraid to be in surf over my head. I didn't realize this when I first tried to surf, it was pretty much an unconscious influence, and all I knew was that as soon as I was chest deep in the surf and waves were coming in which would put me over my head in water, I would all of a sudden be paralyzed almost with fear. I could NOT make myself move. But I didn't know where it was coming from, so I just tried to push against the fear, and...needless to say that didn't work out for me. Anyways, the point of all of that, is that I'm excited to try surfing again!! Now that I consciously know that I'm not going to be pulled under, playing in waves and going under water seems appealing and fun! How silly, that un-true thing that was holding me back for so long.

One more thing. I had a dream last night that corresponded to me losing my job. In it I was at a staff dinner party (Bethany was there with me). As we sat around the table, everyone was given some lovely piece of jewellery from Covet. Except me. And Bethany - she was given some lipstick, which she wasn't thrilled about. I wasn't given anything, and I was trying to figure this out by talking to people, and a rumour was going around that I didn't GET anything. So I asked O., a manager, and she (with an annoyed tone) said that I could have some lipstick. Me and Bethany were aware that the lipstick was less valuable as a gift, and that we were being marked. We weren't stoked about it. Then, O. was going to perform a song. One of my co-workers sat down at the piano to accompany. Now, you all probably know that playing the piano is a talent I have been blessed with, one that I am absolutely confident about. In the dream, the co-worker accompanying O. was not as skilled as me, and the feeling was that of just not being recognized for what I could do. Not being 'seen' as it were. So. That's that. I think that sums up a lot of what my job was. I also think that both me and Bethany agreed to be born and explore these types of issues...people's potential not being recognized, passed over, etc - I have a feeling that we purposely chose to have those kinds of experiences. For one thing, so that we'd learn empowerment within ourselves, which is extremely fulfilling to learn (I am learning), and also so that our sensitivity can be put to use in seeking out and noticing those whose potential is mostly passed over by others!

Anyways, this post has gone on long enough...Perhaps I should just start a spiritual blog so that I'll have every excuse to go on about things like this. Cause I LIKE it. :)

a 'fub re-union

Me and Shawn picked Bethany up at the bus depot about a quarter after midnight. We were all tired, but Bethany and me wanted to exchange our birthday gifts for each other right away. She got me the same herbal book SHE has, which I've lusted after for years! Also a super cute little racer-back blouse-y tank, and a navy + white striped circle scarf...the one you see me wearing as a dress in the following pictures. Also a cool navy flow-y vest, and a pair of lovely, colourful strappy sandals, which I love. They are SO comfortable. 

'fub also came equipped with books that I'm must read - a welcome thing, since I haven't read a novel in ages and I've been craving it lately. 

The next day was my day off, and it began with a fruit smoothie. Fub is not one for gourmet breakfasting. After breakfast, we accompanied Shawn to Long Beach. He was going to surf, and we were going to jog. Turned out that it was too small for shawn to surf, so he just kinda hung out while Bethany and I went for a glorious jog. I lost my jogging shoes about a month ago, so Bethany brought me an old pair of Ben's. They were like white boats on my feet, as Bethany pointed out. But it was SO NICE to be able to jog again, I didn't care a w-hit. The tide was way down, so we were able to jog all the way down the beach to Schooner's cove. This involved crossing little creeks and rivers running down the beach to the ocean. 'fub was squeamish, but I sloshed right through. "how can you not mind having a wet squelchy shoe?" 'fub asked. Shrug. There's just no way around it, so. On the way back we took off our wet shoes and socks and ran barefoot. It was lovely.

After that, back in town, me and her went for a walk about Tofino. We took pictures of ourselves down at Nuk-choo point. I really have no idea how to spell that, as it's from the Nuh-Chal-Nuth (not sure how you spell THAT either) language and I'm pretty sure it's slang even for that. 'fub forgive me if I've posted any un-wanted photos...

Here you see I am sitting at 'attention'.

'fub, be thankful I didn't post the other one.

After our walk, we did some grocery shopping and had some snacks. We drew collaborative drawings and watched a movie. Then we felt like we'd been sitting around inside for too long, so we went outside to hang out in the park until fubman came home, which is when we were planning on going for a walk to Tonquin.

Bethany seemed to enjoy taking candids of me doing random things, such as climbing this here tree.

bad 'fub. Bub.

It just so happened that Shawn drove up to the park just as I was in the tree...thankfully because I needed help coming down.
Hi. I'm in a tree and I'm smug about it.

Shawn was busy with other things that evening as it happened, but this did not stop me and Bethany from enjoying a lovely walk at Tonquin. Here's 'fub making a bench pretty.

Here she is prancing along the path.  a prancing 'fub is called 'prub'.

who DOESN'T like standing under big fallen trees?

at one point, as I was taking pictures of Bethany, a couple passed us on the trail and Bethany remarked afterwards how one of them had given her a RUDE look - like she was some tourist bottom-feeder or something. Locals here can be so arrogant I tell ya what.

'fub in a golden light:

both me and Bethany rejoice at standing under fallen trees. Twins!

I cannot explain this one.

for some reason this trippy version of this photo struck me as humorous.

Some more candids Bethany took, which I played around with.

note the halo of fuzz!

Bethany said that she was being a 'real estate agent' in the pic.

We finished our walk at the lookout. It's a gorgeous place, and here is a gorgeous 'fub.

(my hair is SO FUZZY)

I thought this was a funny one of me...oh how I wish I was WAY more photogenic...

My keys (as is becoming an accidental tradition) were lost in the bowels of Shawn's truck, and when me and Bethany returned to the apartment after our walk, Shawn was not there to meet us as promised. So I had to jump the fence, in order to get to our back door. The pictures pretty much tell it. I did NOT know 'fub was taking these...

well, this is when I found out.

...(growl)

I was not happy about her catching a flash of bum, but still I thought it should be shown.

That night we watched a really good movie that Bethany recommended. The next day I had to work. Bethany and Shawn came and visited me, and brought some burritos from Tacofino. It was too busy at work for me to leave, so we all sat outside on the bench eating.  Bethany aptly described the burritos on her blog as bricks. Bricks of goodness, though. 

It was a drizzly, yet fresh day. After work me and Bethany went for a jog together in the refreshing mistiness. It revitalized us both. Nothing like a jog in the mist helping you to transcend burrito-brick heaviness... Our plan afterwards was to make a dessert, which we'd been talking about, trying to decide what to make. Finally we decided on lemon cheesecake squares. We wanted to try and reproduce the Serious Coffee ones. So we went out and bought the supplies we thought we'd need and set to work. It's tough whipping cream without blenders...not to mention cream cheese. 'fub had to warm the cream cheese over the stove before she could use it. We made a shortbread crust, and spread a generous layer of lemon curd over top. Then, a lemony cream cheese layer was thickly applied. Topped with a good layer of crumble (with coconut). It was DELICIOUS. Although my body did not respond well to the unaccustomed richness...that night I woke up in a cold sweat, sure that I was going to throw up. Luckily I didn't though. That's never happened to me before, but then again, there was a LOT of butter and cream in that dessert. 

The next day 'fub visited me again for my lunch break, and we went to Breakers. We each got "the Bruce". Turkey, bacon, cranberry sauce, cream cheese and greens. So good. here I am trying to enjoy my wrap in peace, without a pestery 'fub taking pictures. You see, I am actually a hermit, and this is my hermit face.

It was Bethany's last day, and she hung out with me for the last hour of work. It was a gloriously sunny day, so after work we pretty much went straight to Tonquin, which Bethany wanted to see again. First we hung out on the beach.

I LOVE these pictures of Bethany.

We watched another good movie that night, and then the next morning, WAY too early, we drove Bethany back to the bus depot. It was a sad 'fub that returned to the apartment where Bethany had somehow managed to leave a hole behind. That's just the way it always is. Ah well - good times await this summer!