Hi. I'm finally returning to the blog world. It has been so crazy awesome for the past month or so, I've honestly forgotten all about blogs. But now, unfortunately, I find myself in a state of heartbreak. And I've got no distractions. I have to face being alone. Finally. and suddenly, it occurred to me to write a blog. So here we are.

I've got a room in a house with 3 other people. I sleep on the floor, using the fluffy purple owl I pilfered from labee's porch as a pillow. The zebra blanket is a floor softener, and I have two borrowed sleeping bags. It's a big room with no stuff in it. I've got bowls of beach pebbles on the window sill. The painting fub painted of us in Shuswap on the wall ledge. Clothes folded in the closet shelving. And that about sums it up!
There's a lovely back yard. It has vegetable gardens on one side, with a hammock nestled behind them. There's an all weather couch in the middle, under a gorgeous tree that was trailing long yellow flowers when I moved in. At the back of the yard are some gnarled trees and another garden. I wake up before anyone else, and I like to sit on the back steps with my coffee and listen to the birds.

There is a mandolin here that no one plays, so my roommate said I could play it. Hi - I'm learning to play the mandolin!

I'm sad!

Today I walked a new way to work, that ended up being much faster than my usual. Gonzales-rockland-moss-Fort. I'm happy about this discovery. The neighbourhoods are beautiful. Moss is lined with HUGE old sequoia trees. Like - massive. Then there are all the old manors and character homes and amazing gardens. I like my walk to work. I like being on the streets with the happy little joggers and dog walkers. I like breathing in the early morning. I like my sense of purpose as I swish along in my black work (dress) pants. I like Victoria just waking up.

I miss tofino, finally. The things I originally was glad to be rid of, like walking around and running into people you know all the time. I miss my friends a LOT. I also miss the scenery.

I'm looking out for that window they say opens when a door closes.

fresh, fragrant, sweet and wild

that poem of Rumi's seems to be the mantra...or...that's not quite the right word...goal? may be closer...of the past few years. You know - "make me sweet again..." etc. Poetry is something I don't understand - (as an aside).  How it can communicate more than the words alone impart. I feel it is those that are of the ancient and holy order of the Bards that come into this life with that innate talent of shining truth and light in the way of poems and songs. It's their gift they bring to the world.

Oh, if only I had more penetration - more perception - to allow me to blunder less and be always kind. So caught up in my own self and my own personal concerns, I miss many an opportunity and am hurtful without knowledge until after the fact. My own awkwardness is a set-back. If I weren't so caught up in that...in my concern for always appearing to others un-awkward...my own self-image...(many, many sighs).  and THEN there's my abominable pride! - the damage THAT has done alone...Anyway - consciousness of a thing is always a good start, am I right?? Let's move on from my penance, which I am sure those who love me will be characteristically soft on me for...I give you all credit for loving me beyond my faults. I hope you all know how much the love is returned.

So, now in the last year of my 20's. At first I insisted on going to Victoria for a night and a day to celebrate, but right before the actual event changed my mind. Suddenly, I didn't want a lot of bustle and hassle - eating out at different places, room service, dancing at a club. I wanted peace and relaxation and natural enjoyments. I decided on Ukee. Shawn and I found a cabin across the street from "little beach" - a beautiful rocky bay on the outskirts of Ukee town centre. We paid $10 extra for a king sized bed and jacuzzi tub. I'd never been in a jacuzzi tub before!! I must say: better than a hot tub. We even bought bubbles for the occasion. "Frozen" bubbles (you know, the movie...). There was only one other available option for bubbles at the Ucluelet co-op grocery, for double the price. The joys of a small town - less options, easier to satisfy. We bubbled away in the jacuzzi, suntanned on the deck, skipped rocks at the beach and watched the sunset.  Ordered pizza. We woke up and watched the food network (as we haven't had cable for many-a-year, it was a sort of treat) and then promptly went out for breakfast. And immediately saw a couple who'd moved from Tuff to Ukee last fall, who we'd been semi-friends with. They saw us and invited us to join them at their table. Inside, I was rebellious. I'd wanted it to be like a vacation - like I was apart from my normal life, and this of course brought it all back home and rather ruined the fairy tale. Apart from my own bad attitude though, it was good - enjoyable, friendly, not even ONE good reason to have a bad 'tude. After that, we returned home.

Shawn. OH Shawn. So earnestly wanting to make me happy...so afraid of disappointing me..as in the past I have had huge, nearly impossible standards, and have made him feel wanting because of not meeting them in all particulars. (wow, you can really tell I've been reading Jane Austen!) He was continually surprised at how happy I was with everything this birthday, how perfectly satisfied I was. He almost couldn't believe it. I guess I've grown up some. Maybe I know myself a bit better. I've learned to value how he wants to make me happy - and that's enough now. The intention is everything, where before I was all superficial and material. here I go...crowing about my own worthyness! (gag. sorry).

It makes me happy though to know I can give him the appreciation he deserves from his efforts. Poor man - WHY does he love me so much? A spoiled, selfish and hurtful fub that I am.

Ok, now I'm abusing myself too much, as if I'm calling for contradiction. I'll stop.

I am going to the last night of darts with my friend tonight. I have a friend! *happiness*

For the past week, every day I go to work there is some new beauty of spring waiting for me in the little courtyard. The first, traditionally, were the daffodils. Then a bush seemingly blossomed over night with the most delightfully lovely deep peach magnolia-like flowers. I can almost watch the new leaves unfurl on the various trees and bushes. Spring is here, with determination. Accordingly, as with every spring, I feel myself cast off the shadow of winter blues and don the bright happy colourful song of sunshine and new life. yay! 

The mountains have been lacking in snow, which means also that Tofino is unseasonably busy. I am pulling long days at work, and coming home with sore ankles and bruised feet. Just found out that Al doesn't want to open the shop front at ALL this coming summer, which bums me out a little. The regulars that were unswervingly loyal to us won't come by anymore, and I really enjoyed them! having a lazy boss has it's ups and downs. The only good thing about this is that we won't have to make juices for people. That was the bane of the job. Anyway. Today I worked for 9 hours. The first 9 hour shift since summer. I made two batches of muffins, a pan of monkey bars, power cookies, oatmeal cookies, roasted veg and artichoke tapinade, and 40 sandwiches. I sliced, I wrapped, and did a ton of dishes. I placed an order. I delivered food. I listened to Vinyl Cafe on CBC. I love Sundays because of Vinyl Cafe. I look forward to it all week. And THIS time, it just happened to be the recording of when Stew Mclean was in Tofino. Special.

Yesterday, which was gorgeously warm and sunny, I met up with Emily after work and we hiked through a little island set off the beach and watched the sunset with her two little dogs. It was fun. I never, and I mean NEVER, have one-on-one time with a girl just for fun. I don't even know how to do it anymore. Please don't say anything of how it's simple and easy. it's a skill and you can lose it just like anything else! However it was fun and I enjoyed myself. 

Now I am sitting at home with my sore feet and thinking about new shoes. Because obviously I need them. 

I am ready. I am ready to go out for breakfast. I am wrapped in the thick loveliness of the cardigan fub sent me for Christmas. Comfy black leggings. But fubman - he is having a shower. Also, I was all set and decided to go in my new moccasin slippers, in a celebratory gesture of saturday comfort. But fubman - he poo-poohed the idea, pointing out such practical drudgeries like the fact that I will ruin them. Obviously fubman is trying to tamp down the natural joy of a fub.

In reading Laura's post of small kindnesses, I was reminded of yesterday when I was given an opportunity to do a small kindness myself. When I arrived at Beaches grocery store in the morning to drop of the daily delivery of muffins/bread/spani/sausage rolls etc, Mat, an employee of Beaches since before I graduated high school…came up asking a favour. His bike was broken, and he had to catch a bus to go to vancouver, and he'd forgotten something at home. He needed me to drive him out to his house, then into town to the bank. It would have taken him hours to walk. So I did…and on completion there was a lightness in my heart and grin on my face, and I contemplated happily that I was grateful for the opportunity to help someone out…and how good it made me feel. I sent a warm prayer out thanking God for it and asking for more such opportunities. I want to make the world a brighter place. I want to BE a bright spot in the universe. I want everyone to feel better for being around me. I asked God for this. If one resolved to find every day opportunities to be kind and help one another out, how much happier a world would this be?

This is a Happy Day

Hi. It's the first of my two days off, and the sun is shining and the sky is blue! There is a bubble of joy in my person. Shawn and I are going out for breakfast soon! I think we shall go to Vincente's, which has a cozy fireplace and squashy arm chairs in the dining room. I think I may get a traditional breakfast with sausages and eggs. Or the "big gun" (do you know what a big gun is? it's a long, narrow surf board used for catching monster waves, like in Hawaii) (*said in know-it-all, perky voice*). The Big Gun breakfast item is two eggs, ham, cheese, tomato, chipotle mayo..there may be more to it but I can't remember…sandwiched in-between two slices of peasant bread. Peasant bread is made from scratch at The Common Loaf bakery here in town. The Common Loaf bakery is a "whole foods" bakery, which unfortunately means they make cinnamon buns that are dry and un-exciting. And terrible muffins. But the bread - the bread is special.

There is a dead bird on our small patch of cement which serves as a back patio.

When Easter sleeps all night pressed up against me in a tight bun, it makes me happy. Even if she is pressed against me so tight I can't move, and digs her claws in to stay in place. I work around such things. Fubman on one side, fluffy cat on the other. Happiness.

100 points to anyone that can guess where my title comes from!!