It is empowering to feel good. I was feeling low after work today...it's weird - it's as if everyone else that works there is part of a club, and I am excluded. I struggle to act with dignity every day I work there, because I am treated as though I have no intelligence. ...They are not my tribe. My tribe would recognize my gifts...and especially would never fail to see my intelligence. I know that I have attracted these types of people into my experience, by acknowledging and expecting them more and more. Now, I always make an effort at work- because when not at work I don't think about it as much as possible- to think about what I like about each person, what I appreciate about this job, and about the current moment I'm in. And then I think about past happy times. But by the end of the day I've usually been overwhelmed. Should I just leave this job, or what? I have learned much from it - from the fashion aspect, to just simply learning from every person I've met while working there. Each person I've met has indeed shared and taught me something good - has shown me aspects I want to find in myself and in the people around me. I really do appreciate that. It is my own deep-seated beliefs about myself that have their attitudes manifesting towards me in such a way. So, maybe now it is doing more harm than good, what with how much I seem to struggle every time I go to work with staying positive.
Or perhaps it's the struggling aspect itself that is blocking the goodness from coming out of this situation. If I could only stop 'struggling' to get people to like and respect me at work. It's that struggling that is killing me, I know it! I would like to let go. It seems to be a process. I wish I could magically just let go all at once and just be magically 100% at peace, in every situation. Maybe I can!
Anyways. I didn't mean to write all of that when I started, I was only going to say that after work I was feeling low, and that I was yet able to stand outside on my tiny cement patio, look at the rain and the waving cedar and hemlock branches, and let some well-being in. I thought to myself that I felt good, and that made me feel even better. And now I've vented on the 'net and I feel like I have even better perspective.
Now about fluffy bun.
A striped button of fur
an orange peppermint, but
round in all dimensions.
she is buttoning right now.
right now
atop her scratching post.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
rainy mornings such as this
On rainy mornings such as this,
me and my love, we wake up slow
nuzzling and sharing
then one of us gets up to make the coffee
while our orange cat rubs ankles for food
I'm not much of a poet, but April is poetry month and there's been poems posted all over town! I've quite enjoyed it. So here's my contribution. I didn't even mean to do it...it just sort of unfolded from writing my blog title.
I am in favour of this rain. It makes me feel cozy. It helps that it's my day off today. I will probably vacillate between sim playing, exercise balling it, eating, tidying, and drawing. With a surf dvd playing. Somewhere in the middle of all that activity, I will find time to make a potato salad. Potato salads are dear to my heart.
me and my love, we wake up slow
nuzzling and sharing
then one of us gets up to make the coffee
while our orange cat rubs ankles for food
I'm not much of a poet, but April is poetry month and there's been poems posted all over town! I've quite enjoyed it. So here's my contribution. I didn't even mean to do it...it just sort of unfolded from writing my blog title.
I am in favour of this rain. It makes me feel cozy. It helps that it's my day off today. I will probably vacillate between sim playing, exercise balling it, eating, tidying, and drawing. With a surf dvd playing. Somewhere in the middle of all that activity, I will find time to make a potato salad. Potato salads are dear to my heart.
Friday, April 20, 2012
What is going on
This is now a private blog. Shoulda done that years ago.
Moving on...it was my birthday 4 days ago. I am now a woman of 26 years in this physical realm. I've done my best to live the best I know how in those years. I've gathered a lot of information while I've been here...I've dreamt lovely dreams, thought spicy thoughts, observed how the world can work better than it does now (and isn't that a very basic job of each emerging generation?). I've taken a few risks. I've made some whoppers of mistakes - almost always in the name of passion. I've done some pre-cursory traveling, although in my opinion I've only just begun my worldly adventures. In my mind, let's say 10 years ago when I was 16, I would have pictured myself at this age having gotten a lot more done and being much more settled and stable. But maybe I'll never feel that way. It's not as if your life is ever 'done'. You are never supposed to stop dreaming and expecting and changing and evolving. It's not like you're supposed to pick one way of being and then continue on that road in a straight and never-ending, never-changing line.
Anyways. 26! Yay!
Moving on...it was my birthday 4 days ago. I am now a woman of 26 years in this physical realm. I've done my best to live the best I know how in those years. I've gathered a lot of information while I've been here...I've dreamt lovely dreams, thought spicy thoughts, observed how the world can work better than it does now (and isn't that a very basic job of each emerging generation?). I've taken a few risks. I've made some whoppers of mistakes - almost always in the name of passion. I've done some pre-cursory traveling, although in my opinion I've only just begun my worldly adventures. In my mind, let's say 10 years ago when I was 16, I would have pictured myself at this age having gotten a lot more done and being much more settled and stable. But maybe I'll never feel that way. It's not as if your life is ever 'done'. You are never supposed to stop dreaming and expecting and changing and evolving. It's not like you're supposed to pick one way of being and then continue on that road in a straight and never-ending, never-changing line.
Anyways. 26! Yay!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Parental Beets Come for a Visut
When ma and pop were here, this is what we did.
-Firstly, mom had told me that they were going to arrive Monday eve, but had not answered my email asking the time they expected to get here. I thought that they would call us. We live in an apartment, and we don't have a buzzer, so it was something we needed to know. However, unbeknownst to me they didn't have Shawn's # - and apparently no one else has it. (I know that Labee and 'fub have it though, so that is faulty!) Anyways, what this is all leading up to is the fact that around 9:45 I had pretty much figured that they were going to come the next morning. Me and Shawn were in bed, when I heard some pounding out in the hall. I immediately had that inkling...I said to Shawn, "wouldn't that be funny if that was mom and dad? But naw...! They would have called!" Right then Shawn's phone started ringing. It was the apartment manager, and she sounded all in a panic. She said there was a "large man" who "claimed" he was my father trying to get into the building. Oh boy. I stuck my head out the door, and sure enough there was a startled ma and pop beet. Ahahaha. Had a chuckle over that later...especially the fact that the landlady didn't believe that Dad WAS my dad. (she's an extreme feminist I think)
After the surprise wore off, we all sat around and chatted until around 11:30.
-The next morning I was all pumped (of course) to make breakfast! Shawn ended up making it though, because Dad had requested an omelet, and Shawn has a fabulous way of making them, but I fried up some bacon and toasted english muffins, discreetly drinking coffee on the side. I thought it seemed as though Dad was warming up to Shawn, talking about his gardening (NOT landscaping. different thing.) business. He even wanted to go and help weedwack while Shawn was mowing, but that was because he had conveniently forgotten about his shoulder for a moment. Shawn was very happy that Dad had offered though, it made him feel really good.
-After breakfast, when Shawn finally tore himself away to go mow some lawns (me and mom kept urging him to leave, so that he'd be able to hang out with us sooner, but he is a champion fumferer), I took mom and dad for a walk to Tonquin beach, which is about 5 minutes from where I live. I love Tonquin, especially when the tide is out - because then you can explore around the rocky outcrops to a beach that is unaccessible during the high tide, and the rocks are full of tidal pools and starfish and the cliff face is just very beautiful and rugged. So we HAD checked to make sure the tide was going to be out, but when we got there it was just high enough so that we couldn't go on to the next beach. But we had fun anyways, exploring some rocky 'nooks n' crannies', pointing out tree species and the few lovely homes overlooking the beach. For the first time since I've lived here, the beach was completely empty except for us! It was grand. There weren't even any footsteps!
-Dad had a nap after the walk (during which we all discussed his genius for story-telling, and I suggested he tape a story and let me type it out and illustrate, and then have it published...it'd say by Doug Clarke, illustrated by Amy Clarke! Lovely, eh?) and me n' mom sat around and chatted...she showed me a beeautiful song performance by The Piano Guys and a singer who looked to be of African origin...the song is called "Peponi" and it's filmed on a mountain top and it is quite powerful. I recommend y'all look it up.
-We woke a slumbering Bear-dad and picked Shawn up and Dad took us all out for Wildside! (Wildside grill). He got Halibut n' chips, mom got the salmon burger (with smoked tomato relish...DELISH), Shawn got the special chicken burger (with arugula, avocado, feta...SO GOOD. haha I am just so enthused about good food) and I got fish tacos. The sun was shining and we ate our meal around a table in the open air. At one point dad decided to tease a Stellar Jay that was scrutinizing us closely. He held up a fry until the Jay made a pass at it (almost touching dad's head with his wings). Those Stellars are cheeky lill guys.
-We ALL napped after that, aside from Shawn who went back to work. In the evening, when Shawn came home, we played Skip-bo (me n' mom kicked Shawn n' dad's butts), ate some pizza, chatted a bunch, played some greed...at around llpm dad and shawn had the munchies, and dad sent Shawn off to Shelter to get some wings (dad) and yam fries (Shawn). I did not understand how they could possibly be hungry. Men, I suppose. Anyways, we wanted to watch a movie but it was a big fiasco trying to get one started for one reason or another, and by the time we started one it was past midnight, and none of us made it past the beginning. oh well.
-The next morning I made dad some poached eggs, while mom munched on her bran cereal + almond milk. Me and shawn had oatmeal. Everyone partook of bacon. Then we set off for Cox Bay. We walked around the rocky sections, which are always my favourite parts. I took pictures with mom's camera. And then they left to catch their ferry.
-Back at home I missed their cheerful presence way more than anticipated. Like I mentioned before, something in me that had been all knotted up, relaxed and opened while they were here. It was so wonderful to be around the two people who I absolutely know I can be myself around. I just love 'em SO MUCH! :D I have the best parents ever.
-Firstly, mom had told me that they were going to arrive Monday eve, but had not answered my email asking the time they expected to get here. I thought that they would call us. We live in an apartment, and we don't have a buzzer, so it was something we needed to know. However, unbeknownst to me they didn't have Shawn's # - and apparently no one else has it. (I know that Labee and 'fub have it though, so that is faulty!) Anyways, what this is all leading up to is the fact that around 9:45 I had pretty much figured that they were going to come the next morning. Me and Shawn were in bed, when I heard some pounding out in the hall. I immediately had that inkling...I said to Shawn, "wouldn't that be funny if that was mom and dad? But naw...! They would have called!" Right then Shawn's phone started ringing. It was the apartment manager, and she sounded all in a panic. She said there was a "large man" who "claimed" he was my father trying to get into the building. Oh boy. I stuck my head out the door, and sure enough there was a startled ma and pop beet. Ahahaha. Had a chuckle over that later...especially the fact that the landlady didn't believe that Dad WAS my dad. (she's an extreme feminist I think)
After the surprise wore off, we all sat around and chatted until around 11:30.
-The next morning I was all pumped (of course) to make breakfast! Shawn ended up making it though, because Dad had requested an omelet, and Shawn has a fabulous way of making them, but I fried up some bacon and toasted english muffins, discreetly drinking coffee on the side. I thought it seemed as though Dad was warming up to Shawn, talking about his gardening (NOT landscaping. different thing.) business. He even wanted to go and help weedwack while Shawn was mowing, but that was because he had conveniently forgotten about his shoulder for a moment. Shawn was very happy that Dad had offered though, it made him feel really good.
-After breakfast, when Shawn finally tore himself away to go mow some lawns (me and mom kept urging him to leave, so that he'd be able to hang out with us sooner, but he is a champion fumferer), I took mom and dad for a walk to Tonquin beach, which is about 5 minutes from where I live. I love Tonquin, especially when the tide is out - because then you can explore around the rocky outcrops to a beach that is unaccessible during the high tide, and the rocks are full of tidal pools and starfish and the cliff face is just very beautiful and rugged. So we HAD checked to make sure the tide was going to be out, but when we got there it was just high enough so that we couldn't go on to the next beach. But we had fun anyways, exploring some rocky 'nooks n' crannies', pointing out tree species and the few lovely homes overlooking the beach. For the first time since I've lived here, the beach was completely empty except for us! It was grand. There weren't even any footsteps!
-Dad had a nap after the walk (during which we all discussed his genius for story-telling, and I suggested he tape a story and let me type it out and illustrate, and then have it published...it'd say by Doug Clarke, illustrated by Amy Clarke! Lovely, eh?) and me n' mom sat around and chatted...she showed me a beeautiful song performance by The Piano Guys and a singer who looked to be of African origin...the song is called "Peponi" and it's filmed on a mountain top and it is quite powerful. I recommend y'all look it up.
-We woke a slumbering Bear-dad and picked Shawn up and Dad took us all out for Wildside! (Wildside grill). He got Halibut n' chips, mom got the salmon burger (with smoked tomato relish...DELISH), Shawn got the special chicken burger (with arugula, avocado, feta...SO GOOD. haha I am just so enthused about good food) and I got fish tacos. The sun was shining and we ate our meal around a table in the open air. At one point dad decided to tease a Stellar Jay that was scrutinizing us closely. He held up a fry until the Jay made a pass at it (almost touching dad's head with his wings). Those Stellars are cheeky lill guys.
-We ALL napped after that, aside from Shawn who went back to work. In the evening, when Shawn came home, we played Skip-bo (me n' mom kicked Shawn n' dad's butts), ate some pizza, chatted a bunch, played some greed...at around llpm dad and shawn had the munchies, and dad sent Shawn off to Shelter to get some wings (dad) and yam fries (Shawn). I did not understand how they could possibly be hungry. Men, I suppose. Anyways, we wanted to watch a movie but it was a big fiasco trying to get one started for one reason or another, and by the time we started one it was past midnight, and none of us made it past the beginning. oh well.
-The next morning I made dad some poached eggs, while mom munched on her bran cereal + almond milk. Me and shawn had oatmeal. Everyone partook of bacon. Then we set off for Cox Bay. We walked around the rocky sections, which are always my favourite parts. I took pictures with mom's camera. And then they left to catch their ferry.
-Back at home I missed their cheerful presence way more than anticipated. Like I mentioned before, something in me that had been all knotted up, relaxed and opened while they were here. It was so wonderful to be around the two people who I absolutely know I can be myself around. I just love 'em SO MUCH! :D I have the best parents ever.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Ma and Pop Beet have just left, and I'm kind of sad. It was a very lovely time. I was pondering this as I walked through the park earlier, right after they left. I felt different than I had before they came, and I was trying to put my finger on it. Then I realized that I felt stronger. Like having people around who I can be sure look at me in a loving way reminded me more of who I am and who I can be. And aren't I lucky to have parents like that? I'm happy. I'm a lucky and blessed person.
Monday, April 9, 2012
I really should be getting ready for work, but this gadget is so distracting! I am loving the new apartment. We are almost all moved in...there's only a few boxes left and some clothes to fold. We NEVER got that far in our last place, mainly because there was no storage. and I really mean none. Unpacking is not fun when there isn't a place for anything. When there is though, it can be rather delightful. Quite different from packing.
Mom and Dad are coming to visit today. I don't know how that will work...they will have to sleep on a mattress on the floor (our "bed") and deal with us having no comfy couch or chair to lounge in. Just 3 (not even a proper 4!) kitchen chairs around the table. And a futon 'mattress' slumped on the floor against the wall (think Turkey. The country. With heaps of pillows, it'd be alright). I know it's not like they're high-maintenance guests at ALL, but I just wish I could offer something more comfortable. Ah well.
I really should be getting ready for work. Shoot.
Mom and Dad are coming to visit today. I don't know how that will work...they will have to sleep on a mattress on the floor (our "bed") and deal with us having no comfy couch or chair to lounge in. Just 3 (not even a proper 4!) kitchen chairs around the table. And a futon 'mattress' slumped on the floor against the wall (think Turkey. The country. With heaps of pillows, it'd be alright). I know it's not like they're high-maintenance guests at ALL, but I just wish I could offer something more comfortable. Ah well.
I really should be getting ready for work. Shoot.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
it's been a loooong day's night
and I been working like a dog...
Ok, well, actually not really. But it was a long day at work - I don't usually work 8 hour shifts, and this one, due to some scheduling mishaps, did not afford me a lunch break. So I was extremely hungry by the time I got off. My body is used to a very pampered schedule, and does not take kindly to any changes, let's just say.
I'm eating some pesto pasta as we speak.
I moved here right after turning 24, and now I'm turning 26 in a week. Looking back, it seems to me that 24 was my last year of looking young...this morning I was looking in the mirror (getting ready for work), and there was NO angle where I could not see the changes to my face. This was bothering me, until I smiled at my reflection, and saw a woman there...a lovely, young, in-her-20's woman...but a WOMAN, not a girl. The person I suddenly saw in the mirror was someone I'd never bothered to see before. But I liked it. I feel myself tentatively fitting into this new image. Amy as a woman. A sure of herself woman with a sunny disposition and lots of sun on her face. ...well, that's what I WANT to be, can't really live up to the sun-on-face part yet. Working on the sure-of-herself part. I think I'm pretty good with the sunny disposition one though! Ok, and that wasn't purely just about physical changes. Yes, it is true, I am vain, but I promise that's not all it was about. I've been thinking about growing up a lot lately. I've decided I'm in another teenager stage.
AAnyways. I'm going to go help myself to some more pasta...
Ok, well, actually not really. But it was a long day at work - I don't usually work 8 hour shifts, and this one, due to some scheduling mishaps, did not afford me a lunch break. So I was extremely hungry by the time I got off. My body is used to a very pampered schedule, and does not take kindly to any changes, let's just say.
I'm eating some pesto pasta as we speak.
I moved here right after turning 24, and now I'm turning 26 in a week. Looking back, it seems to me that 24 was my last year of looking young...this morning I was looking in the mirror (getting ready for work), and there was NO angle where I could not see the changes to my face. This was bothering me, until I smiled at my reflection, and saw a woman there...a lovely, young, in-her-20's woman...but a WOMAN, not a girl. The person I suddenly saw in the mirror was someone I'd never bothered to see before. But I liked it. I feel myself tentatively fitting into this new image. Amy as a woman. A sure of herself woman with a sunny disposition and lots of sun on her face. ...well, that's what I WANT to be, can't really live up to the sun-on-face part yet. Working on the sure-of-herself part. I think I'm pretty good with the sunny disposition one though! Ok, and that wasn't purely just about physical changes. Yes, it is true, I am vain, but I promise that's not all it was about. I've been thinking about growing up a lot lately. I've decided I'm in another teenager stage.
AAnyways. I'm going to go help myself to some more pasta...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
nocturnal
This is my first post on my brand new Mac! I have an extremely shiny new toy. So far I've been madly downloading music. I've discovered a new band: horse feathers. They could use a little more rhythm and movement though.
I've made a suuuuper exciting decision...and it's a SECRET. No one will know until the family reunion. It came to me today while I was having a shower in my new apartment. Yes, me and Shawn have once again moved. It's funny, when I first moved to Tof, and me and Shawn were looking for a place, Shawn showed me the very apartment building that we are now moved into. I would not even consider looking into it. First of all, although the official name of the building is Tonquin blah blah blah, it's known to everyone around here as the Sin City apartments...there's a reason for that (well at least there WAS). It looked very run down and grungy to me back then. But now...2 years later...it's apparently been "cleaned out", and the apartment that we're in is all completely refurbished. brand new everything. New wood flooring, new carpet in the bedroom, new appliances. It faces the back, with a tiny cement patio and garden area with forest beyond. As opposed the the parking lot, so we lucked out there. I don't believe I could abide the parking lot view.
It's so bright! This morning the wind was ferocious, and I loved watching the cedars wave dramatically out the sliding glass doors.
This is the first place that me and Shawn have gotten together that feels like our own. It's nothing special, but it's so white and bright and neutral...and anonymous. That is what feels especially refreshing to my soul. Yay. After the vacation rental place...and then this last place which had no insulation, or privacy. And, the kitchen is a good size! One more thing, and perhaps the best of all, is the rent. $580/month.
Why rent a super beautiful place for over $1000 a month when you can rent a totally decent place for half that price which in turn allows you to save money so you can BUY a super beautiful place? It doesn't make sense to let your money go down the drain every month and you're not working towards anything...unless you want to rent forever. I do not.
Moving was particularly tiring, I am just now feeling somewhat normal again. We had to move very last minute, because this place only became known and available to us a day before the 1st. Shawn was also busy the day we were supposed to move working on this huge work project which included the use of his truck, driving back and forth to the dump (a good hour and a half there and back). I was so tired and spacey on the third day, the cleaning day, I could hardly hold a normal conversation. Shawn on the other hand seemed to be full of energy as we were cleaning. It's when he inexplicably started saying in his perfect french, 'tu est un fubbitt', with emphasis on the "t" sound. "What?! I am not a fubbit!" I said, shocked at the spontaneity and the genius. It was almost too much. "oui, tu est un fubbitt! un fubbitt!" He kept repeating... We ARE perfect for each other. I think 'fubbitt' is like a timbit. A bit-sized 'fub.
I am SO happy to have this computer. It is HUGE. I'm going to be punctuating my posts with drawings, too. It's going to be much more enjoyable now to read of my life updates. No more crazy personal dramatic fests, I promise. I find it much easier to write when I don't have 6 months to cover at a time.
I've made a suuuuper exciting decision...and it's a SECRET. No one will know until the family reunion. It came to me today while I was having a shower in my new apartment. Yes, me and Shawn have once again moved. It's funny, when I first moved to Tof, and me and Shawn were looking for a place, Shawn showed me the very apartment building that we are now moved into. I would not even consider looking into it. First of all, although the official name of the building is Tonquin blah blah blah, it's known to everyone around here as the Sin City apartments...there's a reason for that (well at least there WAS). It looked very run down and grungy to me back then. But now...2 years later...it's apparently been "cleaned out", and the apartment that we're in is all completely refurbished. brand new everything. New wood flooring, new carpet in the bedroom, new appliances. It faces the back, with a tiny cement patio and garden area with forest beyond. As opposed the the parking lot, so we lucked out there. I don't believe I could abide the parking lot view.
It's so bright! This morning the wind was ferocious, and I loved watching the cedars wave dramatically out the sliding glass doors.
This is the first place that me and Shawn have gotten together that feels like our own. It's nothing special, but it's so white and bright and neutral...and anonymous. That is what feels especially refreshing to my soul. Yay. After the vacation rental place...and then this last place which had no insulation, or privacy. And, the kitchen is a good size! One more thing, and perhaps the best of all, is the rent. $580/month.
Why rent a super beautiful place for over $1000 a month when you can rent a totally decent place for half that price which in turn allows you to save money so you can BUY a super beautiful place? It doesn't make sense to let your money go down the drain every month and you're not working towards anything...unless you want to rent forever. I do not.
Moving was particularly tiring, I am just now feeling somewhat normal again. We had to move very last minute, because this place only became known and available to us a day before the 1st. Shawn was also busy the day we were supposed to move working on this huge work project which included the use of his truck, driving back and forth to the dump (a good hour and a half there and back). I was so tired and spacey on the third day, the cleaning day, I could hardly hold a normal conversation. Shawn on the other hand seemed to be full of energy as we were cleaning. It's when he inexplicably started saying in his perfect french, 'tu est un fubbitt', with emphasis on the "t" sound. "What?! I am not a fubbit!" I said, shocked at the spontaneity and the genius. It was almost too much. "oui, tu est un fubbitt! un fubbitt!" He kept repeating... We ARE perfect for each other. I think 'fubbitt' is like a timbit. A bit-sized 'fub.
I am SO happy to have this computer. It is HUGE. I'm going to be punctuating my posts with drawings, too. It's going to be much more enjoyable now to read of my life updates. No more crazy personal dramatic fests, I promise. I find it much easier to write when I don't have 6 months to cover at a time.
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