Dance of Life

Yesterday Shawn came into the apartment one time with a book he'd found in the hallway. People leave things they want to get rid of there sometimes. It's called "journey to the river sea" by Eva Ibbotson, and yesterday I swallowed it in one gulp. The girl in it, who's archaeologist parents died in a train crash while she was at boarding school, was sent to live with relatives on the Amazon - and the adventure she got into woke up all sorts of dreams in me. The bliss of waking up on the water, to see herons diving for fish, and all sorts of wildlife, birds singing, otters playing. to live a life immersed in freedom and beauty. I want to live completely outside of the prison-like grid of society. Sigh. those who escape it are the lucky ones. Funnily enough before I got hold of and read that book, I'd just finished re-reading "the secret garden". It's been awhile since I've read it, and I was amazed at the deep wisdom in that book! It's an amazing book. I cried and cried while I read it, and afterwards was so deeply inspired by the magic of the living earth, it's perhaps what attracted this other book to me. I have a longing to live somewhere with a beautiful park and gardens that I could go out into every day. The spaciousness and poetry of the moor that is eloquently talked of in "the secret garden" makes me long to go THERE, or somewhere equally wild and seemingly lonely, but full of life, like the desert in New Mexico.

I don't want to be alone, though. In these stories, there are always other people involved and strong bonds are always forged. I'm a very warm and social person. I couldn't live cut off from people....no, just society :D. There, see - I know I've often compared myself to a crazy cat lady, but I'm not actually a bit like one. I love my one furry friend, my familiar, if you will - but I've realized I couldn't enjoy having two cats as much as I enjoy having one. That's a big strike against being a cat lady. Also, I don't like them more than humans - definitely not cat ladyish. Cats are great though. They teach us to be soft and gentle and to take care of ourselves, to always pay attention, and to relax. They are symbols of self-healing. Sometimes when Eastre comes and cuddles her round form up against me, I feel like Shasta all alone in the desert at night, sitting against the tombstones and afraid of the calls of wild animals all around him, when a fat housecat comes and sits against him and purrs. Then he later finds out it was Aslan. That may be a dramatic example, and I am tending towards the dramatic right now, it being my joyful time of PMS (the storm before the storm...), but sometimes I do have very spiritual moments with my cat. Where I feel as if she's just another way for God's love to show Itself. It makes me feel very warm and squishy inside to think of things that way.

PMS I think is a very spiritual time, too. Along with the anger and resentment that comes up (I notice it now pretty clearly - every time I'm PMSing, Shawn annoys me much easier - but it's not just annoyance, it's resentment and it goes deep - and then it magically melts away until next PMS. I've learned not to take my anger literally at this time, and to not blame Shawn, because it's been the same with every boy I've been with. obviously it's me)  - that was a long bracket - anyway, along with that anger comes all these flashes of insight. It seems you take life deeper all of a sudden. I know we've all felt how it becomes impossible to ignore even the cheesiest stab at emotion in commercials and movies and books. If something is the least bit touching, it touches you! am I right?!  anyway, maybe I'm feeling this way in particular right now because my period is perfectly corresponding with the full moon, which is known for it's illuminating and drawing-out power.

Last night I was lying in bed, vaguely letting my mind run over the issue of what to do with my life - how the way my life was flowing wasn't in accord with certain things I had beliefs about - when all of a sudden a strong thought jumped in! It basically said, you are in charge of your own beliefs about your own life, you are the only one who can create harmony between the two - you can decide what is all right for you...it's hard to describe the full meaning of this flash of inspiration and insight, but in a nutshell it gave me a rush of inspiration and a thrilling shiver as I thought of myself at the helm of my own ship, steering my own course in freedom. So that is at least one thing they mean about being comfy in your own skin..!!